A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a man for over a month and we get along great in all aspects and are compatible in alot of areas and have been intimate. He's been divorced for 2 years and it's been a battle over his kids from what information he's shared with me. Although he hasn't specifically asked for space, I did get a text from him apologizing for not contacting me much in the last few days and that it was because he was dealing with his kids situation. When I didn't respond immediately ( I was at work), I get another text stating that he's trying to redirect his way of living as he might get his kids and hope to talk with me soon. I responded with respect to what he's doing in the situation and he says I'm a sweetheart. I told him that I admire his determination for the sake of his family and thanked him for allowing me into his life even if it was only temporary. He agreed wh that statement saying "same here" and that I was a great lady and that he will talk to me soon. I told him I really hoped I do hear from him soon, really do. But if that isn't going to happen then now would be a good time to tell me. He responded and said he hoped so and that he has GOT to figure out his schedule somehow and that everything has changed for him. I then basically told him if there was anything I could to to help out, let me know. He said he would and that he hoped to talk again soon. Now I'm positive he wants his space but really feel that this "relationship" isn't going to go further in the future. I'm holding on to faith and hoping that he is true. I really do like him and think I'm falling for this guy and I'm not sure why? I hate overanalyzing things but can't help but to be a little afraid this one is slipping away due to circumstances I have no control over! Can anyone talk me back to my senses? Btw, I do have a full life and have plenty to occupy time, I'm just not willing to give up so quick on this guy. This just seems like right person wrong time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you AuntyEm! That is sooo true!
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (9 November 2012):
 'Personally, that comes off to any man as a direct solicitation to be used, which is a turn off.'
I gotta say that this statement by the anon male who answered here speaks volumes about how most men view women and how much they assume that it's ok to USE a woman if shes giving off certain signals.
As much as i think women need to be aware of how they behave, I also think that is the mans responsibility to make a conscious decision NOT TO USE women. Diffusing the responsibility solely onto the woman gives the man the perfect cop out to have to behave decently.
Similar to telling women 'don't get raped' rather than telling men 'Don't rape'...we constantly pass responsibility to women because it seems men persistently refuse or acknowledge that they don't have to act like douche bags...that they do have the power and a choice to not take advantage and by making a concerted effort to be descerning in their behaviour truly makes them men.
All we need to make good choices is the truth...when we deceive, people get hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLike I stated, I own my mistake and yes, I do like this guy. I agree with what you are saying however, I think men who are not emotionally available should not only be honest with whom he is attracted to but also honest with himself and not get involved with someone who has made it clear to their own intentions. It's deceitful and hurtful, makes the guy look like a jerk and I'm sorry, can't blame myself on this one as the only one who made a mistake. It takes two and women enjoy sex too. I say if that isthe mans only intentions, honesty to that fact would allow the woman to make her own choices without getting herself emotionally entangled with false hopes.......just sayin'.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): I think what gets you in trouble is making more of things than what is really there and having sex too soon. You were simply dating this man, getting to know him, for only a month. Most men realize that once sex is involved, a woman is going to expect more than just dating and he can only get away with the free buffet for so long. At the end of the day, he was unwilling to give you the commitment he knew you wanted. It's over. Now whether you want to continue pumping his ego through text messages telling him how willing and available you are after all that is up to you. Personally, that comes off to any man as a direct solicitation to be used, which is a turn off. My suggestion would be to take this as a learning lesson and only date men who are emotionally available (not going through custody battles and other major life issues that prevent them from getting emotionally attached to you) and hold off on sex until you ARE actually in a relationship...meaning the guy gives you a commitment and makes you his.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 November 2012):
Im kinda the same way myself, straight answer to a straight question and all that! It's just so annoying when a guy doesn't make things clear as to where you stand and it's usually because he hasn't made his mind up or just doesn't want to be the bad guy so leaves things 'hanging'...what most guys don't understand is that this kind of ambiguity drives women nuts and just comes off as bad manners LoL!!
I am sorry he's done a dissapearing act...put it on ice and fix your mind elsewhere xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAuntyEm, Thanks for your thoughts and confirming mine. I know I shouldn't have "gone there" with him so soon, but it happened and at the first time I handled it well. I should have left it at that, but then there were more lol. Lesson learned for sure and I really don't have the regrets for my "poor" decision and I own my mistake. I really was looking for straightforwardness from him when I told him that if he really wasn't going to contact in the future, it would have been the perfect time for him to say "probably not" as I was in the state of mind to accept it then and there with no afterthoughts of all the "hoping" that maybe he will. I'm to the point on all things and I guess that gets me into trouble lol, and don't like beating around the bush on anything.. there's no point in behaving such a way with things especially when I make it clear games are definitely not neccessary when it comes to the way I am, the truth always is neccessary without the use of hopes and maybes. Guess need to learn to read the "grey" areas in things? LOL.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 November 2012):
Ok here is my 'outsider objective' view which I have made based entirely on the info you have given.
You dated and got intimate within a month, this means you have formed an attachment to the guy. Now the guys situation has changed radically and he has to focus on his kids so must drop you at this moment in time (He has made that 100% clear)...
You, having formed the attachment after just a month are saying to his face 'OK I understand, I can see why you have to back off and I accept it'
He is taking you on face value by saying 'Thanks, you are a sweetheart, glad you understand'
((I told him I really hoped I do hear from him soon, really do. But if that isn't going to happen then now would be a good time to tell me))
But what you are REALLY saying is 'I WANNA KNOW IF THIS RELATIONSHIP IS GOING TO GET OFF THE GROUND AND I WANNA KNOW NOW!!!!!!!'
Truth is, he can't give you that answer, because he has other priorities and no amount of 'double meaning' questions will get you the answer you need.
I can understand your frustration because you don't want him to get away because you like him, but for him things are a little different, he can't or won't see you as 'important' right now because he has only known you a month and he has not invested enough time to establish if you are a keeper.
My advice would be to back off and give him the space he has asked for and keep it that way until HE gets back to you. That way, you won't piss him off or push him away with unnecessary pressure and if he DOES get back to you, you will know that he really wants to see you.
You said you have a full busy life, so I would immerse yourself back into it until he gets in touch.
I seriously know how frustrating and upsetting situations like this can be and I don't want you to assume I don't think your feelings matter...because they do, but this is one situation you have no control over for now. Maybe leave things a few weeks and drop him a friendly text to say 'Hope alls well'
Men tend to get hot and heavy in the first few weeks of dating and then cool off after they have thought things over. I think the slow burn is best and waiting for a few months before intimacy, because it gives time for things to get on a more realistic level and for a friendship to become established.If he seems flaky and uninterested when you do get back in touch, then it's probably fair to say, he just wasn't that into you and move on...but maybe he will have missed you and be happy to rekindle when things are a little more settled in his life.
Hugs and welcome back to earth lol xx
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