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male
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anonymous
writes: I am 47, and have met a girl who is aged 19; I have now become completely smitten with her. I think she fancies me, but cannot be sure, we flirt constantly. I would like to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation, if you were the girl, what first attracted you to an older man? and who made the first move? Rejection would despair me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2006): I am 20 years old; my boyfriend of six months is 37. We actually met almost a year ago, when he started working at my restaurant as my manager. ( :-D ) We started out just flirting and goofing around at work, and it snowballed from there. Now we think we may want to spend the rest of our lives together, and have children together, even though we haven't said "I love you" yet. I'm definitely falling for him and I've never been so happy in my life. The 17 year age difference doesn't bother us and although we get "the look" from people when we're out in public, we still enjoy every moment we spend together. I'm excited to see where this goes and he is too. So, you may have a chance with this girl, just go slow and let things develop at a pace comfortable for her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2006): Go to therapy..She is like a CHILD compared to you and you will see she acts like one too...but you are in the giggles stage and when she sees you are too much like her DADDY she will dump you..I have been there and after the newness fades (about 2 months) You will get dumped for some bad boy she really likes. Find someone your OWN AGE or closer to it if you want a real relationship! :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): You are sick. Period.
You may think the girl is smitten for you, but maybe she just doesnt know how to say NO without hurting your feeling. Why? because i found that even small casual talks can be counted as FLIRTING to 40 year old person like you. Older people are pushy and desperate and should just fish in their own pool.
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male
reader, malaysianfeet +, writes (25 January 2006):
The issue isnt you are 47 or that she is 19. Its in being despaired upon rejection. You are smitten. Flirting. She is responding. She fancies you obviously. If you both went and obtained the counselling of a counselling psychologist, you would both have a real perspective of what's byond the honeymoon. The moon's craters are there. For every marriage. The issue is that you'd both realize what's really in store. So if you are going to make that move, consider all the issues. Or else consider having a platonic relationship, both knowing how to handle the reality that goes with this type of arrangement.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2006): My advice to is go for it, as you've got nothing to lose and in my opinion a lot to gain. I am 31 and am with someone who I can only describe as the nicest person you could meet, we share similar interests, think alike and whats more, love each other. For quite a while I believed he was only 50, until recently when he admitted to being 58. He didn't want to tell me his true age as he feared it would turn me away. I think he was quite surprised when I simply said "no problem" because it is better to be in a relationship where there is both love and understanding, as opposed to being with someone of similar age just to keep society happy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2005): Hi!
Well i do hope that by now you have asked her out.
I am 35 and my boyfriend 63, i was married to a man just 3 years older than me, and that was a disaster!!
My boyfriend is much older than me, but it doen't affect our relationship, we love eachother deeply, we have a laugh, we go out like any other couple, i have a son from my previous marriage, and he has kids from his first wife, so kids do not come in to our equation, soon we will move in together and thou my son is only 5 years old, they great along fine.
The most important thing is the love and understanding, we know is an age gap, but that is fine, we have never love anyone as much as we love eachother.
GO FOR IT! XXX
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2005): I am 21. I have always been attracted to older men, usually married so nothing every came of it, i just call it my little girl crush. However this past summer a 42 year old single guy (who i know b/c we work in the same area) who i had always had a "little girl" crush on kissed me one night when we were out drinking with other co-workers. I thought that it was just a drunken thing, and it was just a kiss, but then I went out drinking with him again, when i was in the bathroom he followed me inside and sked me "what the deal is" if i am interested in him, and at the time i guess I was becuse we ended up hooking up a few times (meaning sex, and oral) we both knew from the beginning, however, that nothing could ever develop, it would always be just a drunk hook up. I don't really regret it, and we still keep in touch, he actually gives me advice on relationship problems that I am having now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2005): I' m a girl and I' 23. I have a boyfriend:) who is 45 years old. We love each other. I like everything in him: his character, his sense of humor, his sports figure.It's very interesting to talk with him -he knows a lot of this life. The only thing I'm scared of is to start family with him, to have children. I was fascinated by his endless love, care and his social stability. I just Imagine sometimes the times when I'm for example 40 and he is... 61. But as for me the age isn't the barrier to our happiness and loving each other.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2005): I say - Give it a go, but prepare for her when u may go earlier. Fact is, women live longer. You are older.
Many problems will arise, social, family, friends. Both of you will struggle internally about how pple may view both of you. But if your love is stronger than any of these, go ahead.
I wish u all best of luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2005): Take a good hard look at the kind of relationship you're talking about here. There are nearly three decades of life dividing the two of you and I have to ask, “What on earth can you two possibly have in common?” To any girl of 19 who wants to get involved with a man your age, I would have to say "Do NOT consider this relationship, date guys closer to your own age and enjoy your youth!" Chances are good you enjoyed your youth, a youth you lived almost 30 years ago! I wish I could tell you that love conquers all, that age ain’t nothing but a number and that men more than three times her age make great life partners and loyal companions, but I can’t. Any man that old involved with a girl who is so much younger most likely suffers from one, some, or all of the following personality quirks-he is immature, has low self esteem, he's a control freak, he's in the midst of a mid-life crisis, he is emotionally confused. Something is just NOT right here. And it is not to say that your feelings for her aren’t sincere. You may sincerely believe that there is nothing wrong with the age difference and you may really feel for her, but that is not enough. In this situation, the sub-text of the relationship means more than what appears on the surface. It isn’t the love, sincerity or depth of the feelings between you both that will define this relationship; it is likely the underlying 'sexual' motivations for you wanting to pursue it that really counts. Why can’t you relate to women your own age, or even women only 10 years younger? What role does your being older play; does she need looking after, does the idea of controlling her or exploiting her youth, turn you on? Are you trying to feel young again, through her? Don't do that to her, man. Let her fall in love with a man her own age-a man she can have hopes, happiness, marriage and children with. Someone who can love her for her heart and mind..not her youthfulness and what she does for you. Someone who wants to do for her-'give'to her-not use her, so they can have the momentary thrill of feeling young and full of vigor. She needs someone who is her peer/ her equal in age, shares her interests, shares her values, someone she can love her for a long, long time and grow old with her. When you seek to justify this relationship to outsiders you may often find yourself stating that she's just really mature for her age, and hey, that may even be true but you are also really immature for your age and that just can’t be good. Now at this point in the game, in a last attempt to justify your love you may defensively ask why people frown upon a 19 year old woman dating an older 47 year old man but have no problem when someone in their 30’s dates someone in their 50’s. The answer is simple; life experience. People in their 30’s and 50’s have both lived life as adults, are likely both established in their adulthood, have finished school and are grounded in careers, basically they have become peers in the eyes of society. People in their teens and 40’s are not peers by any stretch of the imagination and do not share this wealth of life experience; her life is just starting while a 47 years olds’ life has been in full swing and is just winding down to retirement. Her best bet, forget you and open her heart to love with somebody whose life experience better matches her own.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (26 September 2005):
 I must warn you that you may not necessarily receive a sympathetic response here. We have had similiar letters before and the general consensus (if you look at the history of such age gap letters where the girl is very young and the man is much older) seems to be that it is dirty and sick and just entirely wrong for a guy to want such a young woman-basically paedophiliac in nature. (At least, that is what people have stated before in their responses, I hope open-minded is more apparent this time)
This girl is very young and you are much older than her. You do understand the complications that come with age gap relationships? Does she? Before you get involved (if you do) you need to understand that she may undergo several changes as she gets older and you may not always enjoy the same things together. Compromise would have to play a large role in your relationship, as well as understanding and allowances for each other. You would also need to face up to people who may think your relationship wrong and provide a firm wall against their judgements. If you care very much for each other, your relationship will survive as you will support each other.
I believe young women are attracted to the older man simply because he is older; he exudes knowledge and understanding as well as maturity. A young woman can look up to an older man, respect him and allow him to protect her. Not necessarily are young women looking for a father figure because of a troubled or non existent relationship with their father but sometimes this may play a part in a woman's need for an older man. And sometimes, a young woman is attracted to an older man because they get on so well and have lots in common like any other couple.
It all depends on who is the most confident in terms of making the first move. You are scared of rejection; of course you are, who wouldn't be? But unless you bite the bullet and ask her out, there is a possibility you could go on like this forever! You say you flirt constantly so that is a good start.
I know it isn't easy but try to forget the age difference, take a deep breath and ask her out. Just be friendly and not overbearing. Something along the lines of; "Fancy a drink down the ... one night?" or; "I was going to see that film... at the cinema this week, I've heard its great. Fancy coming with me?"
You know, anything that isn't too intrusive and wait for her response. If she isn't interested, she will let you know but don't feel desperate if she does say no; it doesn't mean she doesn't like you just that she isn't ready for that kind of relationship possibly because of the difficulties I outlined above. But you don't know until you try.
Give it a go. Best of luck.
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