A
female
age
,
*crambled brain
writes:Can someone please enlighten me?I am very skeptical about the role of counselors in helping with marriage problems.Several people in reply to my posts have suggested seeing a counselor to get things out in the open and get answers to questions.If one spouse needs answers and suspects the other of lying or doesn't know if they've been told the full story how can a third person make them cough up the truth???Surely they're not going to sit there and say 'Oh yes because he/she is a counselor I better come clean??Sorry if this all sounds very cynical but how can a counselor mend a broken heart and convince someone that deceit and betrayal didn't occur or make it all better??I have had 2 years to try and come to terms with my husband's betrayal and fail to see what a counselor could do to convince me it's not as bad as I feel. Thank you x Reply to this Question
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reader, james675 +, writes (16 February 2010):
I'm actually in full agreement with you. People on this often recommend counselling for everything from low self esteem to marriage problems.Having looked into the qualifications needed to become one I have to say I'm even less convinced now. They are not a terribly well educated bunch.Basically I have come to the conclusion that if the problem is 'real' (ie mental problem) then you should see a psychiatrist (a doctor).If it's something like a marriage problem them you can see a friend, a dispute resolution lawyer or a counsellor - they are probably equally good at actually getting to the problem and offering advice, however you might want to choose a counsellor anyway because:- Friends may be free but they are usually partial to one side over the other- Lawyers are EXPENSIVE- Counsellors are less expensive and usually impartial
A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (16 February 2010):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow do you or the counselor know what is the truth and if everything has been 'declared' any more than you do without a counselor though?
My husband has suggested a counselor and tried to explain why he did it, he even suggested taking a lie detector test but who knows if they are infallible or not?
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A
female
reader, Fornorina +, writes (16 February 2010):
 If you both really wanted to save your relationship/marriage you would both be trying your hardest to get out of the mess you're in. If this person isn't willing to tell you - or the counsellor - the truth, I don't think it's worth hanging on to, whether you want to or not.
After all, the marriage is all about trust and honesty (not all of the factors, but the most important ones) and if there isn't any of them, it's really not worth it. Especially fighting for.
- Fornorina
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): After my ex cheated on me, he practically forced us to get counseling. I didn't want to go because I felt that he was the one who needed help and I was perfectly fine. In his mind, the counsellor was meant to convince me to forgive him. One of the counsellor's we saw initially did encourage me to forgive him. However, by the time we had done a few sessions, he picked up on the lies my ex was saying and called him out. He helped my ex decide to come clean and admit everything. My ex then decided to tell me during counseling why he did what he did. When I decided to try again, at my counsellor's advice, we signed a postnuptial agreement that if he repeated his indiscretions then he would lose everything including never contesting custody. And my ex being my ex, did a repeat performance and I moved on with my kids as he had agreed in writing. I decided to give him some assets but legally I didn't have to. The best thing is to try it and find out for yourself if it works for you. Counselors are often not like the TV ones. You can meet one who will tell him to his face "who are you trying to fool?" like mine did. I don't know your situation but its always worth a try to see if you can get past your issues.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 February 2010):
If a person won't tell the truth when you want them to, then it's not worth fighting for because you will lose. The point of the counsellor is to get everything out in the open. All feelings and all the truth. If a spouse won't tell the truth, then there is no point in doing it and there is no point in continuing with a marriage or relationship. Without everything just coming out, the problem won't go away. The job of the counsellor is to suggest what happens after the truth has come out. I've been reading your other posts, so I know what all this is linked to. If you go to counselling, everything needs to come out. If he won't tell all the truth, then the marriage wont be worth fighting for.
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