A
female
age
26-29,
*Tzimisce.
writes:I've known her for 8 years and lately she has been behaving very strangely! I've known there is a big void between us, not alot of closeness anymore like we use to be and usually when I say I care for her opinion most about how she feels she closes me off. For example I am planning a party and inviting a particular person we use to know but grew apart, and asked her if it was okay to invite them and she said it was okay and I told her it was because I value how she felt over everyone else invited and then she became extremely quiet and distant.Then on multiple occasions when she was drunk she told me to kiss her, and I told her I don't bend that way. Another time she told me she was jealous of me about almost everything - my body, my career, my personality and how guys chase me more than her. I stopped talking about those things with her, but when I do she cuts me off. Another time when we were out with friends she embarassed me by saying "So hows your love life going?" in front of everyone! She knows I hate talking about it because I am not in a relationship and hate talking about why I'm not due to personal reasons.I know she is very insecure about herself and I don't feel emotionally safe around her anymore after she had embarassed me and she is distant herself. She has asked me to move in with her multiple times and I have told her I am leaving the state once I get all my qualifications and work experience and she says "Are you leaving me?".I'm so confused with her behaviour! One minute wants to kiss me and move in with me, next minute she is embarassing me and being distant? Someone explain!!
View related questions:
drunk, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2019): I don't suggest asking if she has a crush on you. You know she does, why else have you written to us? I think you should address the reasons she gets angry and frustrated with you. This is the opening, let her do the talking; and then you chime in with a suggestion on how you want to deal with it.
Please have a safe and joyful Holiday!
Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas to all readers!
A
female
reader, .Tzimisce. +, writes (24 December 2019):
.Tzimisce. is verified as being by the original poster of the question@WiseOwlE - I had to read your second post atleast 3 times because the first time I was in awe and a state of realisation. I believe you're definitely on the money with this one! I know she is someone who will go for anything that's close and convenient to her. She actually has a boyfriend, who I believe if very unfit for her (his jobless, unhygienic and has no ambitions - her family say the same thing!) and she's dating him to feel companionship and love (the love she never received during her own childhood), and because he was the first person that jumped out at her. I understand this and I leave it to her to decide on what makes her happy. So I thought since she has a boyfriend, surely she wouldn't be interested in me? But I'm apparently mistaken as well as naive!
I never knew that about homosexual girls - that they believe since their heterosexual friends accept them there must be an interest of "gay-element curiosity". She is the first homosexual friend I've had so I'm unaware of this fact. It actually upsets me so much that she tries to turn me into a homosexual, yet she gets angry because she can't and that her feelings aren't returned. I can openly accept her for who is she but she cannot accept me and how I feel about her and the way I am. I know for a fact I will never be sexually attracted to females, and I am happy to give her enough space to simmer her feelings down for me.
It also makes sense because she has in the past held my hand and we swing arm in arm as (in my head) friends, but I now realise I could be feeding her ... perhaps lust or desire for me this way. So I will need to stop this before it gets out of hand. And you are right, I am extremely flattered she is attracted to me, I was the girl in high school that never received the boys attention in anyway until after high school. I pretty much lost all my baby fat, developed the final package and became alot prettier to where I get male attention. It's flattering but also makes me uncomfortable because I am not use to it, and she does get extremely jealous of that. I know this because she compares me to her and asks me multiple times if she's blossomed like I have.
I will probably, more than likely, need to talk to her about this as there is always a constant tension or distance in the air between us. It makes me extremely upset that we aren't as close as we are. Our interests are different but we have the same temperament and curiosity about life. I am always bothered about our distance, I never thought I'd done anything to upset her until now. I am going away for a week so before then I will talk to her about this matter. How do you think I should go about it? Asking her if she has a crush on me?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2019): Your friend is frustrated in her infatuation towards you. It makes her angry that you show her your love and loyalties; while possessing the qualities and attributes she wants in a lover and romantic-partner. All her attempts to cross you over have been futile; so she gets mean, and says nasty things to hurt your feelings.
Infatuated gay-people often project. They may delude themselves into thinking that once they've come-out to their straight best-friend, and don't get rejected, they may have a chance at making a romantic-connection. If their bestie knows, and still accepts, without disgust; then there must be some element of gay-curiosity or extra-special feelings within them. NO!!! That's not true by any means! It's a flatout-lie! It's totally delusional! That's when gays won't accept our heterosexual-counterparts for who they are; and respect the boundaries of their sexual-orientation. Hoping they can get you to switch-sides! The shoe is now on the other foot! Fact is, the left-shoe doesn't go on the right-foot!!! It's also why homophobic-people presume people who are secure in who they are, can't be friends with or tolerate gay-people, unless they're gay too? WRONG!!!
Gay-people often fall for their heterosexual closest-friends; because there is trust, a free-exchange of affection, love, and familiarity. Human-nature is lazy. We will go for what's close and convenient! Before we seek what requires effort or patience; and demands us to use our energy and interactive-skills. Regardless of sexual-orientation; people grow romantic-attachment to friends, because they're already broken-in. I call it "fishing in a barrel." It's a bird in-the-hand! Why go through all the trouble and the challenge of chasing after outsiders and facing rejection?
They (best-friends) have the qualities and character they desire; and in most cases, the friendship was always more than just friendship. For one-partner, friendship was a disguise or bait; and an excuse to get closer. With the hopes and intent of manipulating/steering the platonic-connection towards a romance. By using charm, loyalty, dedication, and subtle-seduction; and going beyond the call! Being so faithful and connected; that life is unimaginable without them. Then comes the subtle-passes, clever excuses to make physical-contact, and sometimes alcohol or drugs are used to lower inhibitions. Every given opportunity is exploited to get closer and closer. It's unacceptable and exploitive of friendship. Crafty and deceptive!
You can't be what she wants you to be; yet you love her so dearly as a friend! Recording artist K.D. Lang wrote a song called "Constant Craving." Google the lyrics! "You can't always get what you want!" The Rolling stones!
You're thick as thieves! The problem is, she wants you to accept her as she is (bisexual); but her selfishness won't allow her to accept you as you are...a fully-feminine heterosexual-female. You are only emotionally and physically-attracted to men! Having all the same female-traits and attributes that also attract lesbians!!!
What confuses and frustrates lesbians more than gay-men towards heterosexual-behavior, is the fact that women are openly and physically-affectionate. They can hold hands in public, show public-affection towards each other, and it isn't seen as "queer." Whereas two grown-males snuggling too close, or holding hands; or dancing together as a couple (excluding traditional, or ethnic-dance) is considered gay-behavior in a male.
Her caustic-behavior comes when you won't reciprocate her romantic-affections. She gets crazy with jealousy and tries to humiliate you; or make it appear publicly that you are a lesbian-couple. Unintentionally, you are an enabler and facilitator; when you include her in almost every facet of your life. You make her feel invaluable to you, but won't take it to the next level...true-romance. She thinks you're being a tease, and playing hard to get. That's on her...it's an overblown-ego, and an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. It takes a lot of gall and nerve!
How do you cure it? Chill on the friendship for awhile. Explain directly why you're going to pull-away for a little-while; to allow her to get her feelings into better-perspective. Remind her of how badly she behaves in her frustration; and how that misbehavior adversely-affects your friendship, and your feelings towards her. Then stop being a tease, and backoff!!! You're not as naive as you're pretending! You're flattered by her desire for you, and seem to be toying with it! She will continue to emotionally-batter and abuse you; to force you to let-go, if she can't get what she wants from you anyway!
...............................
A
female
reader, .Tzimisce. +, writes (17 December 2019):
.Tzimisce. is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers! I have known she is bisexual for awhile and had assumed this would not affect me but I realise now I am in denial that she probably has feelings for me. However if she has feelings for me or is attracted to me then why is she being disrespectful towards me (besides me letting her). I had told her that I didnt appreciate her treating me like that but didnt ask why as she told me already she is jealous of me. So my conclusion is rhat she is jealous of me but has a crush/attraction towards me? Surely if people have a crush on someone they would be more considerate and more kinder towards them? This is the thing I do not understand! I rarely spend time with her because of her hot-cold behaviour! But from your analysis Id like to know your thoughts on this?
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (14 December 2019):
 Darling you aren't confused. You are in denial. You don't want to face that she is attracted to you...attracted to women. That's all there is to this.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2019): [EDIT]: Typos
"Sweetheart, I really don't think you are confused by your friend's behavior at all."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2019): Sweatheatr, I really don't think you are confused by your friend's behavior at all. I think you're in-denial; and trying to remain in the same good-place you both were back in the day. Please fast-forward to the present, and face reality!
You've described your friend to be a frustrated and infatuated bisexual-female. You consistently tolerate her bad-behavior; and instead of rebuking her when she is out-of-line, you silently sit there all aghast, appalled, and confused. You are even coming across as condescending to her; as if she's a child who doesn't know any better. The passive-aggressive approach is not helping.
Since when does insecurity give anyone the right to be mean-spirited, critical, and belligerent?
My dear, that's not being a friend! Dismissing bad-behavior in order to maintain friendship with someone being hurtful towards you, is not the way to preserve the friendship. Waiting for things to revert back to what they used to be is unrealistic; and it's not a mature way to approach the situation at-hand. It's getting progressively worse, she is becoming very toxic.
You're moving away eventually; so geographical-distance will resolve most of the problem. It's time to face the possibility your friend is gay (or bisexual), and hitting on you! You also need to stop her subtle attacks and insults; then stewing on the after-effects of her hurtful-words.
Ask her point-blank what's going on with the remarks, and if she was actually coming-on to you? Then make it clear that you really don't like her attacks on your feelings; or deliberately trying to embarrass you around your other friends. If she has something to get off her chest, lay it out on the table, and lets deal with it.
You know what the problem is, and you're dancing around it; because you're afraid to ask her if she's gay!!! I believe you already know the answer.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2019): Well I can't read her mind, but it seems like there are two possibilities.
1. is that she's in love with you and your lack of reciprocation means that she's in pain and acting erratically. If this is the case I think you should stop saying things about how you value her more than anyone because it's just going to hurt her more. And if she does have those feelings for you then she probably really needs time and space to get over it.
2. there's more of a competitive issue that's the problem. she is insecure and jealous and although she may love and care about you as a friend, people sometimes don't know how to deal with jealousy and insecurity, especially if they don't recognise or acknowledge it.
You have two options of what to do.
1. talk to her about it and try and work out which thing is going on and then decide what you are going to do to address it.
2. decide it doesn't matter WHY she's behaving in this way but you've had enough and you start keeping her at a distance and maybe phase out the friendship.
Personally I always advise talking about it but that's your call!
...............................
|
