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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have been dating a guy for just over a month, things have been going really well between us. I have noticed this week though that he has started to interrupt me a lot. Like last night he came round after work and we sat talking for a while then sat down to watch tv, he sat on his phone for a bit to Christmas shop then went on Facebook. We were chatting to each other but I noticed everytime I was taking he would then interrupt to show me something on his phone. If I had wanted to show him something I would have waited until we'd finished talking about whatever subject. A few times he said sorry, and asked me to continue but would then interrupt me again.I have been in bad relationships before where I have been manipulated badly. And now any little sign panics me. I am building my self esteem but struggle to say there and then that it's bothering me. What would others do and say?There's been a couple other little things that he does that makes me question if he's gunna be manipulative, for example, when we've planned to see each other in the evening he won't tell me when he's leaving his. Sometimes he'll ask if I want anything from the shop but then doesn't look at the reply I send (is on WhatsApp) I've never asked for anything so maybe next time I will and then I'll find out if he is genuinely asking me.
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female
reader, Paraps  +, writes (24 December 2019):
I think maybe he doesn't think or have manners but it doesn't sound like he's being manipulative. Maybe tell him what he's doing that bothers you and see his reply. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like he's purposely trying to be mean or manipulative tho
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2019): For what it's worth, my ex-partner had a form of Dyslexia called 'auditory dyslexia' and he also had ADHD. It took nearly two decades for me to figure this out. Early signs were exactly the kind of thing you mention - constant interrupting - in the early days it nearly drove me insane and extreme forgetfulness.
The way that auditory dyslexia works means that the person can hear perfectly well, it\s nothing to do with deafness at all. BUT they cannot process verbal information when they have to listen to it. It takes several attempts or they simply cannot do it. They develop coping mechanisms such as interrupting - apparently this is a kind of subconscious attempt to control the information coming at them and to bring it to a halt to give them time to process it. Or they do things like write down parts of a conversation you are having that may not seem remotely significant to you but that they want to try to remember.
Dyslexia and ADHD are not always related but sometimes can be. In my ex partner's case he had both, which meant that he struggled to maintain an attention span, particularly where any verbal information was being given. So, if I asked him get me, say, a packet of salt from the supermarket on the way home, he would more often than not just forget OR come back with completely the wrong thing. He also struggled enormously with planning - not just major things but the kind of planning that gets woven into day to day living ie. for years he would turn up late, or simply seem to be on another planet - we could never ever plan holidays, or even what to do at the weekend. I never, not once, experienced him plan something nice for us to do. In the end I became absolutely exhausted by it all - I was manouvred into the role of 'leader' and 'planner' and felt like a. the man in the relationship or b. like mother to a supposedly grown adult but actually a child.
He DID actually become very controlling of me - and I now see that a lot of this was to do with his inability to process information and to plan - he kind of substituted control and yes, at times was manipulative and even abusive, because he was simply struggling to be 'normal'. I'm not making excuses for him - he was what they call 'neurodiverse', and couldn't help a lot of it, but also didn't even try to take responsibility for it once we found out he had these conditions - and we only found out because I insisted, maybe for 5 years or so, that he get a screening because I'd become certain he had an underlying problem.
The guy you are with does seem to have several of the same traits as my ex. And if you have been manipulated before I can completely understand why something about him is triggering alarm bells. Personally, I would get out now - only because I know how absolutely exhausting this can be IF - and only IF - this is the 'tip of the iceberg' ie. if you stick around and get to know him more, you may well find other habits and traits that indicate an underlying condition, and it could bleed you dry trying to cope with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2019): I echo what others have said - maybe bad mannered but not manipulative.
Have you tried looking at your own actions towards him though? You get irritated by him interrupting you, equally irritated by him not replying to your 'no thanks' messages and him not telling you when he is in his way over! They are signs of being controlling and if you're not careful you could lose him before you know it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2019): You should be vigilant for serious redflags; but don't judge him based on your unresolved-issues from past failed-relationships.
He's not responsible for what other guys have done to you. If you're still fragile or traumatized from emotional-abuse; maybe it's too soon to be seeing anyone seriously.
Don't seek perfection in him, when you yourself have admitted that you might have issues with trust; or feeling some insecurity about a recurrence of manipulation in your romantic-connection with a new person. You're just getting to know him, and you're realizing some of his quirks. You've got some too!
I think the word "manipulative" is too strong of a word, and used out of context. Rude or impolite might be appropriate, with regard to his manners.
Manipulativeness is being coercive or controlling; in an attempt to gain an upper-hand over your actions or feelings. How does interrupting you when you talk reach the level of being manipulative, in the situation you have described?
It goes two-ways! You may be quite a chatty-person; and you may not realize it.
He has something he's excited to share, and can't wait to the ending; because you might be a little needy for his attention. Hey, I've done it, you've done it, and everybody reading your post has! Go on and on and on; and finally someone interrupts us to say, or show us something. It's sometimes an indirect-way of changing the subject; if it seems you're getting upset, or dwelling on a subject that might dampen the mood of the moment. No guy wants to hear how you've been hurt, listen to you complain about work, or whine about anything; when you're on a date, or having a quiet romantic-evening. You together to enjoy eachothers company.
Try not to let your flashbacks sabotage your new connection. Something he does even remotely similar to the past could be triggering you.
Ask him to be more considerate when you're talking; and at the same time, take reasonable pauses, and allow for a little time for feedback. If you have something to say, get to the point. Any listener might get lost in the unnecessary details.
He's not just your captive-audience, he's a person too. Don't get the self-centered notion that everyone has something to prove to you; and you have nothing to prove to anybody else. You're in the introductory-stage; and judging too harshly on minor things is proof you're not yet ready for dating him, or anybody!
He might be guilty of having a short attention-span; and in anycase, he should not be judged by others who have hurt you. He is not there to be perfect, when you have your own flaws. You hardly know each other, so be open-minded and fair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2019): Hi
I do know what it's like to be in your position where everything your partner does or says is scrutinised because of past abusive relationships. I was the same and it's horrible isn't it? Exhausting to suspect every little thing.
When I was in my last abusive relationship interrupting was a BIG part of it, as I suspect you experienced as well. I was basically rarely allowed to speak without interruption which of course makes you give up in the end and that's what they want. Nice, quiet woman. I did tell him that I rarely told him anything anymore because he always interrupted me. He pretended to be shocked and ignorant of his actions and that he was sad that I wouldn't tell him things and to please tell him stuff and he would TRY not to interrupt. Guess what? He kept right on interrupting. ALL the time.
Difficult to know yet, whether this is a tactic or whether he's just not clued up as to how to behave.
Either way, doesn't look too good to me. Whether he is doing this on purpose or not, for someone to not listen to you, be interested in what you have to say, is not a good sign. He should WANT to hear you out, want to know what it is you have to say, as all friends/partners do with each other. Even if one is NOT interested at that time, in what someone is saying, because we are friends and nice, polite people, we should STILL listen. It's called being supportive of each other, isn't it? Which he isn't being at the moment. Intentional or not.
As you say all you can do is monitor the situation, but I think you'll get a gut feeling about him as time goes on. But if you have to teach someone who is supposed to be interested in you, such a basic social skill as to listen when you speak, at least MOST of the time, then sounds as if you're flogging a dead horse to me.
Good luck though, if you've got the patience. And I'm sure you don't need me to say, that if other stuff starts to become apparent, don't wait. Leave. Life's too short darling xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 December 2019):
 I think he was just excited to share things with you, he might not have noticed he was interrupting.
My thing is this, you can't REALLY have a conversation (worth a shit) with someone who is on their phone. So if you two are talking, put away the phones a bit.
Doesn't make him manipulative. Maybe not GREAT at social interactions? Or just really excited to share things with you.
Just because some ex was "bad" doesn't mean ALL guys will be too. You might think you would ALWAYS do the polite thing and wait until the other person is done, but that is YOU, not everyone "works" like you do.
Cut him a little slack.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2019): I don't think it's possible to tell based on what you've said so far.
It sounds more like he's distracted, rather than is trying to belittle you or undervalue you in some way.
Maybe if you have been in bad relationships in the past, you are too quick to spot things you see as warning sights. That is not to say that you're instincts aren't correct but it's probably too early to jump to any conclusions.
From personal experiences though, my instincts (which are finely tuned due to the people I've experienced along the way) are usually correct.
I would place no emphasis on WhatsApp saying whether he's read your message. In my experience it sometimes shows messages as unread, even after the other person has responded. He may also be reading it via the notification on the screen without needing to open it via the app.
You're right to be cautious, but don't ruin something that may be good for you, over what doesn't sound like a reason to run away at this point.
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