A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I wrote this quite lengthy letter to an advice column and I have not heard back about it yet. This particular Doc Love had written an article on the phrase "Let's just be friends" and explained that the love usually wasn't there in those cases and thus people shouldn't waste time on it. My letter is quite long and I don't know if anyone can be bothered reading it. But if anyone does I would love your insights into my troubles if you have any. The whole situation is kinda complicated and I'm struggling to understand/cope with it so any help would be appreciated.Thank you.----------------------Hi Doc Love,I read your article about LJBF ("Let's just be friends") and found it interesting because I havebeen asking myself questions about the very same issue. The problemhere is that my whole life I have understood what that phrase meansand how to handle it, I have understood the womanese word "friend".The reason I am so confused and bothered now is that this scenariousually describes a situation that happens before there is a seriousrelationship or in the initial stages of dating.My situation, however, I feel is slightly different. I have been in arelationship with this girl long distance for just over a year now.Having said that though, out of the year we have managed to spend 6whole months together over-all and at one point lived together forthree.Our situation forced us to separate once again after that but it wasalways my intention and still is to relocate so we can be together ona permanent basis in the very near future.However, what happened next is that she started feeling and talkingabout how she thought she was keeping me back. How by being with her Iwas forcing myself in to a situation that was less than ideal for meand my future prosperity. While this is true in many respects it doesnot mean that it's something that I am not willing to do or that Iwould be eternally doomed if I did, it would be harder and I wouldhave to take different paths but I could still make my life a success.However, as it is partially true and she seemed decided on pushing meaway for my own good I had to take time to think about it. (and yes, Iknow it's hard to believe someone can be this selfless but for manyreasons I am inclined to believe her sincerity despite my occasionalmoments of doubt.) The conclusion I came to was that my problem wasn'tas obvious as maybe it first seemed. That up until now I had beendoing certain things wrong in my life that I needed to improve ratherthan going for the easy quick fix solution she had proposed for me. Ihad also based some of my recent life decisions involving thisrelationship on false or inaccurate information. I also realized anddecided that I had something very unique here and that I didn't wantto lose that. Now having the right information in hand I could base mydecision making on more solid footing and knew exactly where I stood.I could also decide with my head more so than my heart like I have ahuge tendency to do. And fortunately, for once, my head and my heartwere in agreement. My final conclusion was that any path I might chosehowever prosperous for me would only be half as meaningful if I didn'thave her by my side.At this point though most our conversations had been about our currentdifficulties and we were both growing tired of it, her probably morethan me because at points she seemed to get annoyed that it had tocome up in every conversation we had. The only reason it always camewas because I never really properly knew where I stood. So when I'dreached my conclusions and tried communicating them to her she told meshe'd done some thinking of her own. That she'd decided that sheneeded to spend some time with herself. That she'd lost track ofherself and now she didn't want any relationship, not with me oranyone else. That she wanted time and space and to be left alone. Thatshe didn't want to do a long distance relationship anymore, that itwas too hard. And then also, the most frightening words in the world,that she just wanted to be my friend... for now.And here's the kicker that confuses, all the while she tells me thatshe loves me. That she'd want nothing more than for us to be able tofind each other again down the road and have the chance at a realrelationship. Just a couple of weeks earlier I had had emails from herexpressing her deepest love for me. Before I left her for the lasttime she gave me the most beautiful sincere card I could haveimagined. All the while this was going on she seemed really sad aboutthe whole situation and it seemed quite taxing for her. I've spoken toher family and they consistently confirm to me that she indeed lovesme very much but that she just needs some space and that I shouldfocus on my own potential.So that's where I'm at. I am trying to keep my distance for themoment, we haven't spoken for what seems to me like an eternity. I amtrying to keep busy and work on my own things and improve myself as aperson in the ways I want to see growth. But I also want to and intendto set my path in such a way that I will find myself in a position inthe near future were we can be together. It's just that I've beenpushed so far away at this stage that I fear that it might be in vain.I am confused because she obviously loves me and pushes me away at thesame time. I am trying to figure out what best to do in my situation.Should I completely ignore her and give up on it? Should I keep ondoing what I'm doing, giving her space, work on my own things, workingmy way towards her, show up one day and say "I'm here now, I made ithappen. It was my own choice, do you want me?". Show her how strong Ican be and prove myself worthy? (surely I shouldn't have to do thatand she's told me on multiple occasions that I am more than worthy,however true that may be) Or should I reach out to her and try andconvince her of how my decisions are sound and that we can have abeautiful if she only cared to see it, wanted it and gave it a chance.I've written her a long heartfelt letter detailing exactly how I feelabout her. I wrote it in the most positive, assertive, affirmative waythat I knew how. I detailed all her qualities and also illustrated myown strength. I expressed my commitment to our relationship but alsomy respect for her needing her space. I also told her that for now Iwould remain content at being her friend but expressed that I hadevery intention of being with her and I would never give up my lovefor her.It's a real letter, on paper, and I have yet to mail it. I just wantedit to be out there, for her to know, concretely, rationally andclear-headed exactly what my feelings for her were. Put it out thereand she what she'd do with it. I haven't mailed it for the fear of herseeing it as an intrusion, me trying to push myself on her or beingdesperate. For the fear that somehow it would illustrate her powerover me that I am not as strong as she would want me to be. All thesefears despite knowing that the letter is as sincere and beautiful asany person could ever hope to receive and that I feel that it in knowway shows me as a weak person but rather shows me inner strength,reserve and determination. Despite stating to her that she may havethe time and space she needs as long as she doesn't lead me on inregards to her feelings about me.So that's my situation and I don't really know what my real questionis, I don't even know if I have one. But your article on LJBFcertainly rang true with me for it's something that I've always known.It's this interpretation of LJBF that I've always known that makesthose words hurt so bad when I hear them under these circumstances.And that's also why I feel so confused hearing them in this context.I've heard them before and responded with "But I love you" only to bemet with "I care about you a lot too". The message there is clear.Never before have I heard LJBF combined with "I love you so much. Ilove you more than you could ever realize and one day hopefully you'llsee how this was all for the best. And one day we'll hopefully betogether. Whatever is meant to be will be. I love you baby."A very confused and insecure,John
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (21 March 2007):
 I really don't have much insight into your situation, but I do remember having a friend in my youth that came to mind when I read your letter. We had crushes on each other from time-to-time - but never at the same time. We would probably say to this day that we love each other as friends and wish the best for each other. I suppose it was not our fate to become more than that. All that you can do at this point is respect her wishes and hope that your paths cross again. As it turned out, this person was not the love of my life and I did fall in love with someone else who I am still with thirty-five years later. I believe that things happen for a reason. If it was meant to be it will come to pass no matter what, and if not, there is something better for you still out there waiting. I have no idea if this helped at all. I hope in some way it did. Take Care and Best of Luck.
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