A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi All, I am in dyer straits... I feel I have no where to turn to or have a shoulder to cry on... I have been with my husband since I am 17. We are together a total of 11 years and married for 3.5 years. He lost his mother to cancer at a young age and I was in a similar situation at a young age losing my father to massive heart attack. In 2006 my own mother was diagnosed with cancer and in the last 4 years, it has been terminal but the fighter she is, she fought it to bitter end when it eventually got the better of her this year in July. She was not that much older than me so we were very close. I have no sisters so you could say I lost 4 people in the one day, my mother, my father, my sister and most of all my best friend. The reason I say my father is because I was so young when my father died himself, my mother played the role of both parents to give us such a good up bringing. Although I was my mothers sole carer in the end, my husband played a massive part in helping me out also. I would have been lost without him. After losing my mother I was sad but it was comforting for her to be out of pain and discomfort. She was left a vegetable in the end and it was so hard to watch her. I wasnt as sad as I had imagined I would have been but its just in last couple of weeks, I find its hitting me hard, really hard. So hard that I find I am isolating myself from people including my husband whom I need so bad. In the meantime, I have found out I am pregnant with our first baby and I have so many mixed emotions I really dont know whether to be happy or sad. So I dont know why I am like this but no matter what I say to him lately we are fighting like cats and dogs. We just cannot seem to get along. We are definately emotionally unattached and I cannot remember when we were last intimate. I never realised it before getting married to my husband but he doesnt talk much about deep emotions and I know in general this is a male thing. I just find it hard to talk to him anymore its as if he doesnt want to know about it. So much so we have dinner he showers and watches tv down stairs whiles I go upstairs to watch tv and most times am asleep before he goes to bed. Its not healthy and I am afraid its going to get worse. Can any one advise what we are doing wrong and is there any hope of this getting back on track. Unfortunately as its only dark days I see at the moment, I dont have much positive input as this is such a difficult time to juggle a massive loss and an unplanned pregnancy.
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Ok.
First thing, it is very early days since you lost your mum, who was really your whole family apart from your husband, and you are still only at the start of adjusting to a world where she is not readily contactable. So, give yourself time ... lots of it. The last thing you should do is make any 'decisions', since they are usually rash and based on the shock of grief and loss, and not really very sensible decisions. Eg, it took my mother probably 8 years to get back to normal life after the death of my father (not joking).
Next thing. Your baby. Hey - this is amazing. Your mum has passed on, and your baby has just stepped up and is here. OK, you lost your family in one moment - but then it was immediately replaced again by your baby! I know you can't see the baby yet, and this is your first pregnancy, so the implications of what you have within you won't be clear to you yet ... but I promise you, you have your world back, I promise you. You just don't realise it yet.
And remember: all of your mum, and your dad, and your husband, are right there, in your baby. Your mum is there. All of her. And your dad. So just treasure your baby like nothing on earth, because that life is precious.
I have lost my father, and a baby once, and I have two children now. And I can tell you: yes, we do have immortal life - we never die - because we live through our children. The flicker of life that was your mum and dad is alive and well and bright there inside you, in your baby. They are with you, both of them, right now, all the time.
And as your baby grows, and starts to move inside you, and becomes a real little person, you will feel better and better, and stronger and stronger. Trust me on this. It is true.
So: now to your husband.
After some time, we pretty much all get to the point where one goes to watch tv upstairs and the other downstairs. Or, sometimes, together on the sofa, snuggled up (that is important). I like to lie next to my one and watch one of my favourite serials on my laptop, while he looks up boring stuff like car bumpers and winter tyres on ebay ... but I can still feel the warmth of him next to me.
We all slip into co-existence. We start to treat the other person like an extension of ourselves, and we ignore them when we don't need to do anything else with them.
The trick is to make sure there are some meaningful moments, and not to panic about the silences - just breathing together is a good thing; lying in bed next to each other, breathing together. Inevitably there comes a point when you don't exactly run out of things to say to each other, but you become so familiar that they are like part of the furniture. Don't panic. That is not a bad thing. That is ok.
As for talking about feelings - golden rule with men - never never expect them to understand or listen - some of them will, but a helluva lot of them just don't do it - so: go to someone you know will. Go to a girlfriend. Don't look to your husband to satisfy all your needs. Go to someone else. Or just take comfort from his presence.
As for the fighting: cut it out. When things get tense, go out. Leave the room. Break the cycle. Go swimming. Be really hard with yourself. Don't get into the fights.
So, my conclusion:
Be very very comforted by your baby. That is your light. That is your hope, and a real life, with a beating heart, and everything before him or her. And you are mum now. You are the one and only. So step up. Be happy. Draw strength from your baby. You have to love him or her for everyone.
Give yourself a break. Back out of fights; retreat; cry; grieve. But don't push away your husband. Just have a ceasefire. This is a bad period, or so it seems, but that is the grief and the pregnancy combined - too much emotion.
Remember this is only a short period in your life. And if you can, treasure the moments of pregnancy, because they are precious. Your little baby will only be inside you for less than nine months now, and never again. Try to focus on that, and try to love your husband for what you have created together.
Tap into your own warmth, happiness and life, and turn a gentle eye on him.
Be generous. Embrace the life you have. Live and breathe for your mother.
A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (30 November 2011):
 your loss is traumatic and you need counselling to help you get through it. It will effect your marriage greatly. The only way i can see this perhaps moving forward is if you sort your own emotions first,bt seeking a councellor. When you are at home with your husband ,donot go upstairs out of the way, sit on the couch next to him and cuddle up. Get him to put his head in your lap and stroke his head for a while. There is no need for conversation about what has happened. Gently talk to him about the baby ask him if he can hear it moving around. Don,t discuss how he feels about it let that happen naturally.Tell him you love him very much and that you are looking forward to you all being together.You will find that if you are dealing with your grief yourself through counselling it will help in your marriage.Most men deal with grief this way and they cannot deal with someone elses. They still want love though and an unspoken reasurance!
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