A
female
age
30-35,
*xxvickixxo
writes:My mum and dad are really controlling, well mostly my mum. I'm 19 years old and I have to be home at half past 10 every night apart from weekends.She says I cant be trusted and she thought I was going "off the rails" when I started seeing my new boyfriend(nothing to do with him - just because I stayed out late one night)So she took me to a psychiatrist where it turned out I was perfectly normal, my mum couldn't let go and was possesive and clingy and my dad had an alcohol dependancy.THING IS THEY WERE MEANT TO KEEP GOING...BUT THEY NEVER!!! A couple of weeks after the psychiatrist I came in late again one night and my mum went MENTAL! she was shouting and swearing calling me disrespectful and a slut, then my dad turned on me aswell. My mum started hitting me and punching me and my dad was shouting at her to kill me.Then my dad grabbed me and threw me to the ground and kicked me a few times until I got away.I looked at my phone and I had a text from my new boyfriend - we had been going out about 4/5 weeks - saying "just texting to make sure you got home okay" and I phoned him and told him what haappened.Since then(roughly a year ago) He has hated my parents for what they done - I had bruises all over my body and for what?Anyway my mum has started her controlling ways again as they had died down(ish) for a wee while. She calls me fat and tells everyone how she is going to put me on a diet since I am alot bigger than her(I'm not I'm taller but slightly skinnier and dont need larger clothes than her,Although this is what she tells everyone. I tried on a dress the other day that i had bought to show her and needed her to unzip me from the back when my phone went and I answered it and she started to strangle me beacuse SHE was gaking My zip down, she was still able to do it there was no need at all.Anyway (I'm sorry for the length) I told her I want to move out and she said no and that she would take my car off me(which I paid for and everything is in my name)and my mobile phone which i pay for but it is in her name but i could easily get it changed.She wanted me 2 go 2 university but i didnt feel like it was a path i wanted to take so got a good job when i left school. I dont understand how she can treat me like a child anymore when SHE wanted me to move out and go to uni in a place far away from home.Can anyone explain what her problem is? or help advise me on how to TALK to her without her constant moans or attacks!! Or how I can get her to treat me like an adult!!Any help would be appreciated,Vickixx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Hunny,you are an adult,and your parents no longer have the
right to tell you what you can and can't do.You have to get
out of there as soon as possible.You have to do what's best
for you.I know this is the last thing you would want to do
to your parents,but I think as soon as you move out,you
should get a restraining order against them.To keep you
around is one thing,but beating you and having your mom
being told to kill you,it's obviously not safe to be near them or have any contact with them for as long as they are like this.Your parents obviously don't care about you.So
please keep some distance from them.Call the police and tell them what has been happened.They might not be able to
take them to jail,but they could give you a restraining
order,and you'll be needing one for quite some time.Hope
mine and everyone els's advice helps.Hope you get to where
you're planning on going in life.And we're always here to help.you got love from everone.
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (12 June 2008):
 After reading your response I think the fact that your mum is charging you excessive rent means that she knows exactly what she is doing, by keeping you very low on funds she knows darn right well you have no hope of going anywhere, all you can do is find the place like with your bf if his parents agree and keep back your payment to your mum for a month and move out with that money in your pocket.
Just tie it in so that you move out just before your rent is due to your money so that their are no suspicions raised at all.
I agree with Welsh09 that if you are going to talk to your parents about moving out then you should do it in a public place but personally my opinion is that as you have already tried to talk to your mum and your dad does not seem to have any sort of feelings in the matter I think perhaps your rent money pays for funding his drinking or whatever your mum is doing so while you stay there the situation will NEVER change.
I would still say protect yourself as much as possible by letting the police know your situation but without having to go down the charges route unless you really want to do that, your bf is angry with your parents and rightly so. His support is there for you and I am sure if his parents were aware or are now they would support your thoughts on moving out to. Just be mindful that given what has happened in the past with the violence towards you they may want to keep yours and your bf's address a secret from your parents for fear of any events arising from your parents disapproval. I would reassure them before they mention it though so that they can see you have thought things through thoroughly.
Good luck and keep us all posted eh!. Take care sweetheart and thinking of you.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): I 100% agree with what "Country Life" suggested.
The sooner you can get out the better.
DO report this to the police and try and get assistance from Abused Women" or similar organizations. Not only for accommodation, but I do believe that after what you have been through, they will be able to assist you with some counselling too.
I am gratefull that you have a caring boyfriend and do allwo him to assist and support you in which ever way he feels comfortable.
Wish I could do more for you, but we are here if you need any guidance or to talk.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (12 June 2008):
Oh sweetheart bless you I cannot imagine what hell you have gone through but this is one of the rare occasions where I would say that getting out of the home would be something that would be good for you.
I think you may be able to get assistance from your type of social services or something as there has been violence towards you in the home from your mum AND dad and that just isn't right. I think your mum is either suffering from some sort of depressive state or possibly something like bi-polar which means to say that she could be manic depressive but there are forms of this which also means that violence is involved, either that or as your father is an alcohol dependant person perhaps she has witnessed or suffered violence from him and as learned behaviour she thinks it is OK to enflict this on you. The fact that your father was saying KILL HER is just unforgiveable I could NEVER raise my hand to my daughter or start kicking her or do anything like that, that is not love at all.
Your mother is possibly jealous of your youth and beauty and the fact that you have your own car and can get out and about.
Start to put plans in place and sooner rather than later. Your a young girl and I would imagine that money is extremely tight for you so get as much help as you can. Even contact somewhere like Abused Women or whatever as they may be able to put you in touch with someone who can help with affordable housing for yourself.
Is there any chance that you and your bf could find a place together or would you be able to stay with him and his parents for now as I think the fact that this behaviour is kicking off again is not a good sign.
Get away from your parents as soon as possible and I think you could easily get a new sim card for your mobile phone and right now don't tell your parents where you are going as I think they are not stable people and they are obviously very unpredictable.
You need the safety of possibly telling the police about what you have endured so that they have details on file, it doesn't mean to say that they are going to charge your parents as a long time has passed and obviously the bruises have healed but your bf could clarify the facts for the police as well and at least then they may put a safety order on you so that your parents cannot try and harm you in any way if you are leaving home.
It is pretty obvious to me that you cannot be open and upfront about moving out so you are going to have to do it when they are not around so that you can get your belongings out of the house. You may have to also realise that no matter how much you may still love your parents even after this abuse you may have to cut all ties with them and maybe in time you can let them back in your life but I would keep the details of where you are secret. Obviously ringing them to say you are OK and well is one thing that you MUST do as they may put out a missing persons thing on you but just make sure you are safe sweetheart.
Your mum can't obviously stop you from moving out as you are 19 and you are an adult, what is the age limit in the USA for living away from home is it like the UK i.e. anything from sort of 16 upwards?
Vicki if you ever need to chat I am around OK, just talk to your bf as he is obviously much more of a decent guy than either one of your parents and so get his support and also if you have close friends or another family member who knows what your parents are like but who would not side with them, any of these may be there for you so that you can get out of this violent situation.
I don't really think you can talk to your mother rationally or even your father as when alcohol or maybe even drugs are involved common sense goes out of the window. Do you think your mother could be dependent on anything like drugs at all or pills of any kind?
You are not on your own though so we are all here to help at any time OK.
BFN
Lots of love and big hugs from me to you.
Country Woman (Sharon)
x
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A
female
reader, oxxvickixxo +, writes (12 June 2008):
oxxvickixxo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey,
Well I was thinking about moving out AND I have looked at a few places but they are just too expensive in this area and I'm not sure about staying on my own!!
My boyfriends sister is moving out next month and my boyfriend is moving into her room which is bigger so it might be a possibility to move in there aslong as his parents let me!!
Oh Welsh09 yes I do have a job, but by the time I have paid car insurance,phone bills etc and my mum's excessive amount for digs I'm not really left with that much so I have became an ann summers rep for extra money but it's not really working for me tbh.
xxx
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A
male
reader, jay12toes  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 i tink it would be a very good idea for you to move out. i would also suggest that you move out while no ones home, to avoid any trouble.
now on to your question, i think you should sit them down and tell them you have somethings on your mind that youd like to tell them but you dont want them to interupt you, and that if they do your just not going to talk to them. hopefully they will just sit down and listen, and you can tell them about how your an adult now and why your moving out, and why you dont want to go to a university, but make sure you give them a moment to say something befor going on to the next subject. if they just keep yelling at you or interupting you, then you should just leave, or go to your room(if your still living with them)
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