A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone advise me on how to deal with a family member who is constantly bombarding me with emails, calls and facebook messages?!My godmother is in her 40's and since she signed up to facebook she has been more of a nuisance than ever.She lives in another city from me (a few hours by car)so she thought (and I agreed) facebook would be a great place to keep in touch aswell as emailing eachother. It's difficult to see eachother often due to family and work commitments.The thing is she is ALWAYS on there. She updates her status atleast 4-5 times a day and it's never with anything positive - it's always doom and gloom! Either she woke up with a headache or 1 of the children fell over or she broke a cup etc... The list is endless. Now when nobody replies to her status she gets offended and writes another status saying "anyone out there" or " why am I being ignored?"Then every time I write a status on my wall she has to comment all the time and always leaving me messages on my wall to the point that 1 girl I work with and who I'm friends with on this site noticed and said my godmother seemed like a stalker!What she also does is write really long emails and I don't mean a paragraph- I'm talking an epic story.She emails me everyday and goes in to every intricate detail of her day that I get bored reading it. She then moans when i write back as my emails aren't long because I don't have much to say that was different from the email the day before! Also we aren't allowed personal emails at work so by the time I get home I'm so tired the last thing I want to do is read emails and reply- I'm on the computer 8 hours a day at work as it is.Then the ironic thing is she ways complains she is so busy with the house and children (she has 2 who both go to school) yet she finds time to email and facebook every hour!When it comes to phonecalls it's the same thing she chats and chats about her and her life. She doesn't taken any interest in what i'm doing . She mentally drains me.She doesn't bother my sister or any other member of the family as much as she does me.She doesnt have many friends as shes managed to alienate alot of people due to her attitude- she takes things personally and if you disagree with her she doesn't talk to you! She is probably lonely but how do I make her understand her contact with me is too much and she needs to back off? She gets easily offended so I need to be tactful I've told her that I'm busy with work etc.. But she always has an answer for everything making out she is the victim.Don't say to block her email or remover her from facebook as this will cause more hassel than it's worth and I don't want to ban her from my life I just want a little less of her .Please help me!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): I don't think you should avoid this woman, or ignore her, or avoid Facebook. It sounds as though that's not a solution - she'll simply find another way of contacting you. She must be a very lonely person to be doing this!Instead, I think you need to confront this head on, but very politely and sensitively Write her an email that says how much you like hearing from her and how lucky you feel to have her in your life. Mention a couple of things about her that you do like (genuinely) and how much you admire those traits. Say that you feel guilty because you don't have time to respond to her emails or her Facebook status in detail. Explain that you sometimes struggling to juggle everything - your job recently got more demanding and you have significant commitments to friends having a hard time, and family members, etc. etc. Tell her that if you don't respond immediately in future, you want her to know that it's not because you don't care or because you're not thinking of her, but simply because life got in the way!She will probably not react at all to this, and will go on as usual. However, YOU change YOUR behaviour. Work out how much time you can give this woman per week, and literally set yourself a stop watch. Email or Facebook her for the time you've set aside - say 45 mins - and no more! Unless there's some huge crisis, you don't go over that time. Don't email her back every day, don't respond to Facebook status updates all the time, don't feel obliged to read every word of every email. If she complains, politely refer her to your earlier email, and reiterate the same message, that you love her and care for her, but that you simply don't have time to be on call constantly. This kind of highly dependent, attention-seeking person responds to the iron fist inside the kid glove - always be sensitive and polite, but don't deviate from your set allocation of time. Don't forget that you have rights in relationships too, and keep telling yourself that your desire to set limits to this interaction is both reasonable and sensible - because it is! More than anything, don't let her make you feel like she's the victim and you're wrong for doing this. That's simply emotional blackmail, and it's not on! The truth is quite the reverse. Be firm! Good luck!
A
male
reader, Nithyanala  +, writes (8 June 2011):
 Try avoiding facebook altogther for a while, and answering your emails no more than 2 times a week. Say (truthfully) that it is because you feel 'technologically burned out'.
She'll realise it's not going to make a difference whether she messages you or not since you won't even be checking in...that should get her frequency of messaging down.
As for calling, there's little you can do about that I guess. Make up excuses as Dorothy Dix suggests down below.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (8 June 2011):
Hi there. As she is your godmother, she would have been made a godparent by your parents.
A nice way to go about it would be to tell your parents and ask them to politely tell her to ease off on the electronic messages to you. When you tell your parents this, just be honest with them and say how many messages you get all the time and how you feel about it.
Another way is to ignore her messages to you completely.
Don't go onto Facebook anymore. Or at least, don't go on as often as you do at the moment. Every 3 or 4 days only, but no more often than that.
She will soon get tired of sending you messages if she sees that you haven't answered them.
Do the same with your emails - go and check them out only every three days, not every day.
As she becomes impatient with not getting a response to her messages to you, she will eventually get the message to cut back a bit.
Now, as to the phone calls - because she will probably call as a last resort - talk politely to her for about 5 or 10 minutes, then make an excuse that you have to go out very soon, so you can't talk for long. If she asks where, just say you have an appointment or something - don't bother giving her any details.
Then watch the clock as you talk to her and when it gets to 10 minutes, start winding up the conversation at that point saying - "I'm sorry, but I have to finish up now, because otherwise, I'm going to be late for my appointment" - then end the call and put the phone down. Don't get angry or be rude, just be kind and respectful.
Then every time she calls you, do the same thing. Let her talk for no more than 10 minutes, then make some excuse - "Someone's at the door, I'll have to go", or "I'm sorry I'll have to call you back later, I was just walking out the door as you called". Obviously, the last comment you say right as you answer the phone.
Then do this every time she does decide to call you, and over time she will get the hint that her calls aren't very welcome. But always be respectful, don't get angry or blurt out the truth. Just do it tactfully.
Then if the dreaded moment happens one day, and she says - "You never seem to want to talk to me, what's wrong?" Then you are going to have to be absolutely honest with her.
If that moment does come, say - "I realize that you are probably very lonely, but you send me so many messages on Facebook or by email, that I always feel like I'm under obligation to answer every single one. It gets really tiring for me. I'm sorry but it does." Then see what she says once she knows the truth.
Hope this is helpful to you. Best wishes.
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