A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Some female advice pleaseI'm a mid 30's guy and happily single. It's really great to have my own life and I'm really happy except for the lack of intimacy and female interaction. Right now its just not an option to be looking for a wife and I don't want a F'buddy either. I'm not into flings and casual relationships, it just doesn't work for me anymore. I've never been in this position before and I'm frankly at a loss. I feel like I'm all alone on an island but I just can't believe that there aren't any women out there who feel like me too. Can any of you ladies relate to me? If you can where would you look for a guy like me? Hello? Echo...echo.....echo..... Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (29 August 2007):
 I hear ya Rockelle! I'm always making sure ive got my best gear on when i go shopping in Tescos! haha (thats the big name supremarket here)
Seriously though. You're quite right. Im a big believer in fate/destiny though.
C xxxxxx
A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (29 August 2007):
 Dear Anon, There are plenty of women who are single,sexy, and independant; who would love to have a monogamous relationship. The thing is that most women assume that when a man says he isn't ready for marriage they assume that he is saying that he can not handle a monogamous relationship. Which is not true. I think that the key is communication, the way you carefully explained to everyone here is the way you would need to explain to anyone that you are dating. Some women are so caught up in the dream of being a wife and having a family that they forget about all the time and effort you have to put into a relationship before you make it to that point. I think the best way to meet people are by mistake. I met my husband at a take out restaurant. We dated for 6 years, we never lived together until we got engaged (that lasted another year) and then finally we got married and have been married for a little over a year.I think you are a smart man for taking things slowwwwwwww...If you meet a women that can not understand your position... move along. You wouldn't want to get into a relationship with someone you are very fond of and her mission every date is to change your mind about getting married next year. I for a fact know that anything worth waiting for is worth having.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks hlskitten, nudge nudge wink wink right back atcha ;)
Thanks also to the anon female for telling her dads story. That was very touching.
I think Im getting the picture here...theres no need to feel alone because Im not, and that wanting to take it slow isnt a death sentence on meeting Ms. right.
Wow, I really am sharp like a box of rocks arnt I! Thanks for everybodys help.
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (29 August 2007):
Thats really sweet Anon about your dad.
I agree with that too. He just needed to be a bit more selective. It can go both ways though.
My recent ex, bought everyone with money. He had more respect for his ex before me, that ripped a hole in his wallet to support her and her child for 6 yrs. I didnt want anything from him finantially, ive never gone for anyone for those reasons. Ive not lived with anyone since my childrens dad. That was what he said attracted him to me. I just wanted to be with someone, for wanting to be together, not for what we could 'do' for each other (he also liked lining jobs up for me to do for him, books, ironing, invoices) but he spent a year lying to me about not being in touch with his ex. Hes not back with her now we are split, but obviously still has a certain amount of attraction to her. but some people will always be attracted to needy women or men for that matter. If they can break that cycle, they will go far.
And your dad sounds like he has.
C xxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): I see what you are saying. My dad used to have the same problem as you. He too just wanted to take things slow even though he is a totally monogamous and devoted guy. Unfortunately he would get involved with women who just wanted to forge straight ahead to marriage and moving in and all that right away, even though ideally he would have liked to take things a lot slower. After several relationships like this, my dad was so scared of getting involved with a girl. He probably thought that all women moved fast and that if he ever wanted to have a companion again, he would have to be ready for marriage and just stuff that was not as big a priority (or not a priority at all) as just simple "no-hassle" companionship. In fact he was so convinced of this that he avoided dating for years! But of course, like any human being he got very lonely and eventually just had to start dating again (or "give in"). But believe me he was scared. But after so many failed relationships and reaching a point in his life where he absolutely knew what he DID NOT want in a relationship and in a girl, he became strong and got a lot more selective. And he knew what signs to look out for and what qualities to look for and to avoid in a woman in order to pursue her. One of the most important things for my dad was financial independence. I think he came to the conclusion that the more independent a girl was in every aspect of her life, the more likely she would be more accepting of his expectations. And boy was he right!Eventually he met a fantastic woman, different from all the others. She was completely independent (financially, everything). Never wanted anything more from my dad but love and companionship. Never pressured him. She was just as content as he was having their own homes and their own lives. She is a really cool girl. Eventually after several years (maybe 3 or 4 yrs) together, they did decide to move in together. They are still not married. They have been together for like six years. And this is a guy who thought that he would never again want to move in or take it to the next level again. My dad has never been happier. I have never heard my dad talk about a woman the way he talks about her. NEVER! She has so much to offer my dad and she has no agenda. My dad feels so lucky. He thinks that they are meant to be. It's really cute. See? There are men who have felt exactly how you feel. And there are women out there who can give you what you want. Who might even be your soulmate. What my dad learned of all this was that there ARE dream girls out there! But if you are not selective and choosy and instead let yourself get involved with the "leeches" then you are never going to meet them. He was just not being selective when choosing women. And now it doesn't matter anymore cause he has found his soulmate.
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (29 August 2007):
Right i think i'm getting where you're coming from. I'm in a similar situ myself.
I too am quite happy being single. I've got 2 kids. Ones 12 and the other is 10 so we have a ball. BUT like you, i would like to meet that special someone. But that special someone needs to tick certain boxes and call me fussy, but if they dont tick those boxes, i wont 'settle'
I want someone that believes in fidelity (top priority)I'm not into rollercoaster rides. The knots in the belly feeling, i dont like it. Has their own place is a bonus. I dont want to feel they HAVE to move in with me because they need to. I prefer the thought of dating for a while, a long while. Bit NOT dating all n sundry at the same time!Is a parent (yes that one is quite important to me to be honest) isnt in the pub every night after work. Isnt into clubbing and eyeing up the chicks. Has lived a little, got partying out their system. Wants to do things with all the kids. Do things together when the kids aren't there, EVENTUALLY living together (but that certainly wont be anytime soon) Blimey i could go on. Hey i know i'm looking for the holy grail! ;o)
i'm sure the things i'm looking for is not dissimilar to you. So there are women out there? And i do believe lots of those people are out there.
Where they are, is another thing. I dont want to meet a guy in a nightclub, whos there every week propping up the bar. Sticking with me til someone better comes along. I'm guessing you're the same. (although female) So thats out.
You could meet someone through work. Thats been the most successful for me in the past. Thats who i had my children with. Ummm you could get friends to introduce you to people. Friends of friends, kinda thing.
I actually think its mega difficult to meet mr or mrs right! And people that dont just 'settle' for anyone, will always find it takes that bit longer to meet someone.
I dont personally think thats a bad thing. You say you have a child?
See thats where we have a head start anyway, as in, i dunno about you but i have my children now, if i stay single for the next few years i dont care. We're not running out of time are we.
Plenty of time to meet 'the one'
But i do know what you mean about intimacy. You do miss it.
But just bear in mind you WILL meet someone in the future that ticks all those boxes. Its almost inevitable (ok maybe i just need to think that haha)
Its something to look forward to! Isnt that kinda exciting that we dont know whats gonna happen next?
I dunno maybe i've read your post all wrong too. I'm just crap at putting things into words hehe.
Shame you're not in the Uk! nudge nudge wink wink!
C xxxxxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks rhythmandblues2,
My undies are sufficiently straightened out now :)
I really think you got the picture and your advice was great. This is a hard topic for me and I really did get bent because I am so often mis-understood on this one. Part of the problem is that I didnt want to let all my personal business hang out in the open because it would really detract from my main point. If all the respondents understood some of my life challenges they would get the picture alot better. That stuff is still not quite open forum material. Nothing extremly strange, just not what any other guy Ive met has to deal with (or probably any of you either). All that aside, I do really want to get married one day, I miss having a family larger than 2 and sharing life with somebody I love. My daughter misses it too, tell me that doesnt yank on your heart strings. Sigh... One day my princess will come.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): Hi Anon,
Don't get your tightie whities in a knot, people are just laying out their opinions based on their own experiences, and some don't read and comprehend as well as other...they are just trying to give you food for thought.
I think the best advice I can give you is that I too want a commitment of fidelity and sexual loyalty and not have to worry that I am wasting my time and heart on someone who wants to play the field and keep their options open once I have fallen and become smitten with them....I don't have an agenda of getting married, I want to fall in love first and be loved in returned, I don't have an open position that I need to fill as if I had a job opening for the corporation of me....I want to be won over by a guy and I want to know that we are on the same page about most everything....and it is hard, it is hard to find that right person and it can be lonely and it can be painful to put yourself out there and risk dissapointment and heartache, but unless you do, you are going to still be alone and missing that female companionship.
There are women out there who want to take a relationship slowly, but where you get into trouble is if you make her feel like she likes you more than you like her, so always keep your communication going about the relationship and how you feel and where it is going....and try to be consistent in your attention to her and I think you will have some success, women want to know that you are on the same page emotionally with them, so talk and show your feelings with affection and attention, and be condiderate and take care of her emotional needs and she will follow you anywhere and if marriage is in the cards, then you will know soon enough and so will she.....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am getting some really great input from all the responders here. I do feel that either I need to be even more clear or at least straighten out a trend that I noticed in the last few responses. Let me really lay it on the line here
So lets start with... "Younger women, which is what most men your age want to sleep with are looking to have babies"
I am not nor have I ever been interested in younger women. I didnt say anything to that effect yet it perpetuated through the next few responses. Fact is I was married to a woman 9 yrs older up untill 4 yrs ago. I actuly prefer older women. I know that assumption was based on the "average guy" but Im not average any more than any of you are "average women". Sorry but that assumption about me was just plain wrong.
Heres another that needs to be set right.
"Are you just looking for a woman who you can have sex with? I know you said you don't want a f-buddy. But you also said you want a woman who keeps her options open"
Lets take a look at what I actually said...
"I find that either Im brushed off as non-commital (which isnt true) or that Im NOT willing to date a woman who is "keeping her options open" (and yes that IS true)."
Im trying to understand how that got construed into the previous responders comment. Wasnt I pretty clear? There were a few references made to the effect that I am not interested in commitment just a reliable GF who will satisfy my need for sex. I made it rather obvious that I am very interested in commitment just not marriage right now. I even made the comment that I am brushed off as non-commital and that is exactly what happened with some of these responses. Funny that I should seek advice and end up enduring the same crap that led me to step up and post this question in the first place. I seriously think that more care should be put into reading the question asked before you start perpetuating the sentiment of other responders and taking the subject off into lef field.
Do you want me to come right out and say it? YES!! Im pissed off that a little more care wasnt put into some of your responses. I am a human being just like all of you and I love the contact and affection of the opposite sex just like all of you. And by the way Im not like "all of them" either so lets try to look for the person behind the text when we respond. This has been a sobering experience and I hope I learn to take greater care in my responses from here on out because we really owe it to the people who step up and put them selves out there. Lesson learned!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Reading between the lines, it sounds like you have either just ended a serious relationship or are still married but seperated. However, to have already made the decision that you would not like to meet a woman who wants to settle down is really limiting your options. I hope you don't say this to women when you take them out to dinner (cab for one please!). It sounds as if you should throw out the check list and open your own options. There are many women out there, looking for love and a happy stable relationship. But there are not too many women out there who would happily stay with a man who makes it clear he does not want to settle down too soon. It's not that women want to march up the aisle within a year, but we do like to know that we are with someone for whom marriage could be a future option. In the main, we like to know we are 'going somewhere.' If it doesn't work, then that's fine, but it's better to break up with someone because it hasn't worked out, rather than feeling like we've wasted 2 years on someone who had no intention of ever committing. You never know though, despite all you say, you could meet someone tomorrow and fall madly in love, marriage and kids within the year!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Well, I have to agree, try someone your own age or maybe a year or so older. As a woman in your age range, what I see are men that only want to date younger women, but I do not want to date older men. Thus there is a plethora of available women from 37 to 45, who are accomplished, educated, independent, successful and sexy, who do not want to be married necessarily (usually due to financial reasons), but would love to have companionship. Try that on for size. Where do you meet them? Well, usually we are working, making the money that creates that success and are generally not out clubbing all the time, flirting with everyone we meet. Sometimes we are looking at advice columns on the internet when we should be working, as some type of vicarious heartache, which we do not have, and gives a welcome break from the stress of the piles of paperwork. Try smiling brightly at that well dressed woman having an after work cocktail, or shopping for dinner, fueling her auto or walking her pet.
...............................
A
female
reader, ilikenight +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Are you just looking for a woman who you can have sex with? I know you said you don't want a f-buddy. But you also said you want a woman who keeps her options open. You don't want a wife. You don't want someone who will want to live with you. And you said you love your freedom and your life other than the fact that you miss the intimacy of a woman. So it is kind of hard to know what you want when you've listed off pretty much every aspect of a relationship that you could have with a woman as what you do not want.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): RhythmandBlues is right about younger women! I am 26, and I got my b.f. to let me stay home (I had a job I hated) and we have our 2nd kid on the way, we're looking for a home for him to buy for us..and I have many friends in their 20's who want what I have and they have tried trapping men this way. The difference between me and them is that I knew my b.f. for 6 yrs. as friends and he also wanted this. My friends will try and trap any guy, as long as he is breathing! They even know that the guy has told them that he does not want kids! So be very careful with these younger women. But I know that women in her mid 30's will be more independant and some have probably been in relationships that they took too fast and didn't work out, so they are probably more willing to take things slower. But you should be more open to the possibilities of marriage because you may find a great woman some day and you don't want to drive her away making her think she loves you more than you love her. Women need to feel that their relationship is going somewhere, and that they aren't wasting thier love and affections on nothing. But honestly I wouldn't date someone who felt like you do. I need commitment and someone to come home to, or to come home to me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): I am in the same boat as you. I don't like to rush things, and I have lost men because of this.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input ladies.
Hey TELLULAH, what does cheeky really mean? If you havnt guessed Im American so I dont understand "proper English" very easily. Could you lay down the 411 on this sitch for me?? (hehehe)
So I can see I wasnt quite clear enough about what Im seeking. Being in uncharted waters has made me a little un-easy so Im lacking my usual assertivness and clarity. I will give it another stab.
Im looking for a girlfriend who is into monogamy and doesnt want to get married or move in together real soon.
Is that a little more clear? I know it sounds utterly silly to say it like that but thats really it in a nut shell. Finding a woman like this has proved far more difficult than it seems. I find that either Im brushed off as non-commital (which isnt true) or that Im not willing to date a woman who is "keeping her options open" (and yes that IS true).
Hopefully all that will clarify it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Yeah the thing is that I probably wouldn't look for a guy like you. I want to get married someday. Not right now, though. But I don't want to be with someone that I develop real feelings for if I don't think it is going anywhere. I am a lot like you though. I like being single. But I like having a bf. But I wish I could have the best of both worlds. But I wouldn't get involved with someone who wasn't absolutely in love with me. So that if I ever did want to get married he would. But a lot of women would. But in many cases, they do just because they have low self esteems and are kind of settling for whatever they can get. So you could find yourself a girl like this, but you will probably end up hurting her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): You need to open up your idea of what kind of partner you are looking for, to say you don't want a wife because you are not in a position to do so is limiting yourself, why are you not in a position to do so, is it financial?
Younger women, which is what most men your age want to sleep with are looking to have babies, find a guy who will make the money and buy them a house, and hope against hope that they can stay home, not work and shell out children instead...which is another kind of work, and they use their sexuality to trap a man for the position that they have open....not to say all young women are into trapping a guy, but now days, a good many of them are....so hence your hesitation in dating these women comes through.
Look for someone that is career minded, independent and financially independent and needs a man for companionship and love...not neccessarily looking for Joe Paycheck...she may be older than you...older women are hot, they are sexually confident and know what they want....just don't hold out that you would never consider marrying her, that isn't fair...most people of any worth want to know that the relationship has not ended before it started, love is always in the equation with a quality woman...and that is what I hope you want, really.
...............................
A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (28 August 2007):
 This is a bit confusing.
Your happy single, you dont want a wife or a casual relationship.
Correct me if I am wrong, are you saying that you want a girlfriend that's regular but wants no commitment from you?. Or would this just be a friend then?. Because I am sure you could find one of those easy. You must have some hobbies where you meet up with people. If not, why not, its the best place to find and meet new friends.
If its the first and you want to meet a lady that just wants to be your girlfriend with no commitment. Good luck there a bit harder to find.
You do sound funny, and a bit cheeky though.
XX
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2007): Yeah it is really hard to meet a woman who you can date and yet doesn't let her expectations exceed yours. Well I don't know where you live, but there are certain places in the country where you can meet women that aren't looking for anything long term or at least are open minded to the idea. Usually big cities (ny, san fransisco) are home to a lot of women who are open minded to this idea. And could probably be friends for life type of girls. And usually women in big cities feel the same way you do. They DON'T want to get married but of course they want a guy! And usually they are very independent (socially, financially) so you will kind of be able to have the best of both worlds and won't be burdened with feeling the pressures of a super committed relationship.You just got to really try to meet very open minded women. And these can usually be found in big cities. I hope I was of help. :/
...............................
A
female
reader, skye +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Hhmm, Im not really all that sure what you are looking for here and I suspect that is why you are encountering such difficulties.
If you are looking simply for female friendships then Im sure you will have no problems finding them. Many women have male friends. I bet you have more female pals than you think...co-workers, friends partners, neighbours etc.
However, if its something more you crave (and I suspect this is probably the case) then why not look for a nice woman who likes similar things to you and ask her out? It is that simple! No one is asking you to marry her. It is possible to be exclusive with a woman and not plan your wedding after the second date you know, lol. Just go out on a few dates, have a nice time and see where it leads.
Who knows, you might find the perfect woman for you right under your nose.
Good luck,
Skye
...............................
|
