A
female
age
41-50,
*hanib
writes:Can men who have been abusive with there partners ever be rehabilited and change their behaviour, or is it something deeper within them and there is little that will change them. I have been with a abusive man for 8 yrs and although it is not daily abusive, every now and then he will fly off the handle and be verbually abusive and phyiscally. He does realise afterwards his behaviour is out of line but for me its become tedious. I have told him he needs to seek help from a doctor. But i dont think he realises it does have a problem with anger. If a dog bites you can you really ever trust it again. Does anyone here share any simular experiences. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (14 January 2012):
 No. They can't. That's about as simple as I can make it. So, do yourself a favour and leave him.
He needs a swift kick up the arse.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (14 January 2012):
I agree with the male anon poster who says that after 8 years of this abuse it's counterproductive to fixate on the possibility of him changing and instead you should look at why YOU aren't changing yourself and why YOU continue to participate in this situation.
asking if an abusive partner can change is like asking if you can win the lottery. Sure it's *possible* because anything is possible. But the odds of it happening are slim.
I also think that one reason he does not change is because YOU continue to tolerate and accept his behavior by virtue of the fact that you are still with him despite what he does. If you left him, and so did his next intimate partner, and the one after her, and the one after her too...then it's more likely that he would eventually change. but by continuing to stay with him, you may be holding back his self-growth by denying him the consequences he needs to experience in order to feel a motivation to change.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 January 2012):
 Yes... they CAN change.....
BUT... the chances of them (him) doing so are about the same as you hitting a national lottery.....
I ALWAYS suggest that a woman who has endured a long time (you have 8 years) with an abuser simply get out, now..... and never look back....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): My father had issues of this nature. Although deeply sorry after any incident, he soon reverted to type. Promises to change never happened. Eventually my mother left him, never to return. It was the only way she could get her life back. Sadly, there are many who will never change as the will is not there. You can live in hope but the desire to change has to be deep and strongly held by the person with the problem.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): It's common for codependents to focus on change in the other person. Truth is, if you've been with an abuser for the last eight years, you should be getting therapy and making changes. There is a reason you got into that relationship and stayed in it and that would be worth looking into so you can learn to love yourself and be healthy.
The more you delve into the changes he needs to make, the more you are avoiding the major inner work you need to do on yourself.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 January 2012):
 Can they change? Yes but they have to want to change for THEMSELVES not for you. YOU can’t change him. He can’t make the change FOR YOU. IF he can’t see a problem then he can’t and won’t change.
Are you thinking he has a mental illness is that why you want him to go to the doctor? My fiance is probably Bipolar but he has his rages between his bouts of depression… how often are his rages occurring?
Are there children in danger of emotional or physical abuse or scaring? Are you raising children now to think that abuse is acceptable?
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A
male
reader, eek +, writes (13 January 2012):
 my ex had an abusive partner he beet her so badly she ended up in hospital but would not press charges. She was with me for two years till i noticed one night she was covered in bruises. She then left me because she "loved him" and he said if she went back he would change. Well i still talk to her on the odd occasion. he still beats heq. Im not saying you guy cant change but im giving you a true example from my life. Personally i dont think anyone should have to put up with abuse. You have taken it for so long he wont change. Find a fresh start with a man that will love you and treat you as you deserve. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): Not by you they can't and they have very little reason to on their own.
Why would he change when he has a punching bag like you who will never leave him no matter how he behaves?
Most never do OP as the ones that do only do so when they have a real reason. A real reason being something like losing you and not threat of losing you but actually losing you.
It's simple, nothing bad has ever happened as a result of what he's been doing to you so why would he change? He's not going to find many others who will let him treat them this way so he will fight to keep you, but he won't change. 8 years is proof of that isn't it?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): "Can abusive men ever change?"
Only when they realize they have a problem and they WANT to change, even then no guarantees.
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