A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married since spring of 2011 (not even a year yet). We have the most beautiful 18 month old son and another new baby on the way. Our marriage is anything but newlywed bliss. I think a lot of our stress comes from little income and caring for our son. We both are in school. Here are just a few of the problems: firstly, he still hangs out with his single, low-ambition townie buddies. He frequently goes out to the bars with them and doesn't exactly tell me where he is. Sometimes coming home at 4-5am. A few nights ago he said he was grabbing a burger and then NEVER came home! I was so worried. He didn't answer my calls or texts until I came home from searching for him and there he was, like it wasn't a big deal. He said his phone died and left it charging at a buddy's house. He doesn't pull that very often, but the fact that it happened and he wasn't even apologetic baffles me. On top of trying to live a "bachelor" night life, he constantly criticizes me. He says I'm lazy and not a fit mother. Which doesn't make sense because I constantly am on the go; tryin to clean the house (picking up after HIM), taking GREAT care of my baby boy, school, and work. I Hve my bachelors in business but work at a restaurant because the hours fit my schedule better than a 9-5 job. Also, I would hate to put my son in day care. He says I wasted my time in college because I will never amount to anything. I'm now working on my masters in accounting and instead of cheering me on he says, "I will believe it when I see it." He acts like I am this small niaeve little girl that knows nothing about life. I know there are many things I still must learn, but I've always seen myself as someone who is mature and responsible for her age. He barely helps with taking care of our son. Never goes for walks with us. Rarely bathes him. Rarely feeds him or changes his diaper. I could handle this, but it burns me when he points out what I'm doing "wrong" as a mom. I'm still breastfeeding and he throws a fit. I put the "wrong" lotion on his eczema. He is somewhat insane when it comes to the small things. I try to be quiet and go along with it but sometimes I can't take it anymore.About him: he is a 28 year old veteran (2 tours), which I really respect. Raised in a crappy family life (poverty, single mom, druggie dad). Goes to community college. Germ freak. Handsome.I married him knowing of many of these problems but he assured me he was changing (and at times he was better). Also, we had a baby and I thought it was right to marry him and make a family. Now I'm not so sure and with a baby on the way I really don't know what to do. I'm a strong woman and would be just fine as a single mom. But do I really want to end the marriage so soon. I keep thinking of my children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): I say get rid of him and collect child support, he's never there so it look like you're a single mom anways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): Sit down and play a board game together. If you can be on the same team with something. Try to re-develop the coordination between the both of you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): you're miserable because you married someone who is actually a bad spouse. Why would you marry someone who is not going to be a good spouse? Did he trick you into thinking he was something he wasn't? Was he the sweetest most considerate and supportive and positive bf, and then the minute you were married he did a 180 and turned into the total opposite? If not, if you knew he was like this and yet you chose to marry him, it's not surprising that you are miserable.
Sounds to me like you married him for the wrong reasons. you married him because you thought it was the 'right' thing to do out of moral obligation because you had a child together. I don't mean to be offensive, but this is not exercising critical thinking in this most important decision of your life. Your reason for marrying him gives no consideration to what day-to-day life will be like, FOREVER (if you believe marriage should be forever). This reason gives no importance whatsoever to how good or terrible he treats you. This reason even ignores whether or not he will even be a good or adequate husband and father. In other words, your reasons for marrying him were short sighted and overlooked all the important issues.
Another thing is you knew he was like this, and you married him because he said he was changing. That's another bad idea. You should marry someone only if they have already changed (or who are already acceptable to you as they are), not when they are still in the process of trying to change from horrible flaws that you can't live with. You should marry someone for who they are now, not because you hope and want them to be something different in the future. Otherwise you run the very real risk that they won't actually become what you need them to be, and now you're stuck in a marriage being miserable.
OK so why do you still want to stay married to him? what benefit is there to either you or your kids for this marriage to continue? Again, be realistic about what the reality is right now, not in what you "hope" the future may be like if all your dreams come true. You don't have a crystal ball so you can't know if he will change and become better in the far out future or not. He may get better in the future but it could be decades from now. Or it may never happen. Then what, for you? You can only make decisions based on concrete information, not on wishful thinking. Reality is the here and now and the immediate future.
"I don't think he is able to see what he is doing to our relationship"
In that case this marriage is doomed to be forever miserable or even worse. The ball is in your court, it's your choice if this is the life you want to live.
You are miserable because you "need" him to be someone that he is not. But the reality is that you can't change other people. You can only change yourself. You can't control another person's words, actions and thoughts. The only person's behavior, words and thoughts you can control is your own.
if you're waiting for him to turn into what you need him to be, you're essentially giving up control of your own life and well-being and putting him in total control of it, and you know how that is turning out so you expect more of the same.
You say you have stood up for yourself by voicing your opinions and thoughts to him and telling him that his behavior is unacceptable. That's great. But that is only a first step because it didn't lead to any change in him. So what can you do now? now you need to follow through on your "big talk." If you say his treatment of you is unacceptable and you can't take it anymore, well those are just empty words to him unless you follow through with actions that back it up. You do that by walking out and leaving your marriage. If you continue to stay and absorb whatever he dishes out, you're showing that your "big talk" was just hot air and you're helping to guarantee all the more that he wont' change.
If you leave him, he may or may not change. He may if he realizes that his behavior has cost him his marriage. But this is assuming that he even values this marriage at all, which from his behavior sounds like he doesn't in which case then your leaving him won't make him change a thing either. But if that's the case then so what? you've already left and he's not your problem anymore!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): Hello, I am the one that posted this question. I really appreciate all your sincere feedback. I can say that I do love him and he loves me. We have tried a marriage counselor for a short time, but it didn't help. I don't think he is able to see what he is doing to our relationship. He turns everything around on me and accuses me of being a bitch or being psycho (yes I get very angry when I sit at home pregnant watching our son while he is out chumming it up at the local waterin hole). I tell him exactly how I feel and how upset it makes me. I've told him I can't take it anymore and would be better off without him. I don't sit around and take his criticism; I stick up for myself which stirs the pot even more. When I stick up for myself, he says it's all just "excuses." I feel my love for him can be rekindled if he would just take a second, put his guard down, and be a compassionate husband. He won't, unfortunately. I feel that I am waiting for him to wise up and treat me how I deserve to be treated, but I know it won't happen. I just need to hear opinions from new sources other than my family and friends. Thank you again!
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (13 January 2012):
 The first year of marriage is the hardest, for me at least.
Did you marry him because you loved him, or because it was the "right" thing to do because you already had a child?? Too often it's the wrong thing to do. That's also why you should wait until after marriage before children.
Anyways, I would say stay and work it out. But you are being emotionally abused as So Very Confused pointed out. To top it off, he isn't even being a father to his children, much less a husband to you. So I don't even see a marriage, more like a crap ass baby daddy who is shacking up with you.
If you're like me and don't want to throw in the towel so easily. Going the divorce route is much easier than staying and making it work. Then I would suggest marriage counseling. Also maybe some personal counseling on the side for him. BUT, both parties have to be willing participants and he has to WANT to save this marriage. It won't work if he doesn't care to fix anything or sort himself out.
Just in case, I'd open up a separate account and start pinching back some of your earnings. That way you have some money to start off with instead of waiting on child support from him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): Have you thought about seeking marriage counselling?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 January 2012):
 Weeeelllll.... you COULD wait and "throw in the towel" after 5 years.....
IF you did that, what would you gain? 4 additional years of anguish.....
Why bother? You "know" all you need to know about this guy.... You can do better....
P.S. We (guys) ALL say, "I'll change..."... but few - if any - of us actually DO!!!!!
Good luck..
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): He's being emotionally abusive to keep you off his back.What to do, attack. Defend your position, defend it for yourself and your children.You look at him straight in the eyes, in his EYES and tell him point blank, this is how things are going to be and if you don't cowboy up I'm am out of here within the month.He's a vet, so giving him a list of duties and rules will not come as a surprise to him, but your attitude will.Tell him plainly, what his call of duty is. And make absolutely 100% positive that you will follow through with leaving him. Even if it's just for a while.This is a man stuck in his fear and youth, break him of this pattern or be sorry for what you get. Do not be the Hard Headed I Can Do Anything women.It's not fair, it's not right and you do not have to do this. Use that strength to put this private into line.So pull stripe before he goes MIA again.
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female
reader, sa151  +, writes (13 January 2012):
Hi lovely,I completely understand your hurt and dilemma... I was in the exact same situation 2months ago (all without the baby). My husband was not emotionally criticising or bullying, however he stole from my family, looked for sex with other women over the internet and was verbally abusive to me whenever he had a drink. We married in May 2011, and so it was the hardest thing I have ever done to leave him so soon after our wedding, however I was so unhappy - and no matter how much he promised things would change they never did and week by week I was crying myself to sleep every night. When I left, his family did not and still refuse to see where I was coming from and have been extremely bitter towards me, and my own family although understanding were angry at me for not 'sticking' at it and because obviously, it's like losing a member of the family and so they felt sorry for him. But despite the heartache of walking away, I am that much happier now, and feel that I can breathe again instead of that suffocating feeling everytime he comes home. So my advice is this, do whatever your heart is telling you - I understand you are thinking of your babies, but trust me the best thing for them is to have a happy Mummy - something you cannot be if you stay within a marriage for anything less than unconditional love. It will be the hardest and most heart-wrenching thing you do, but please trust me when I say you will get through it and come out smiling. My friend sent me a beautiful email over Christmas, saying never look back today and wish that you had made a different choice yesterday... Make the change that you want, worry not about others as they don't matter for they have made their own choices and now you need to make yours.Good Luck with everything no matter what your decision. X
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 January 2012):
 Ok so he’s emotionally abusive to you. This Is the environment you want your children raised in? You want these kids to learn that abuse is acceptable?
NEVER marry someone’s potential. YOU have to love and accept them where they are. IF they change GREAT… but do not expect it.
Put the kids in daycare get a job using your degree and your skills. STOP being his maid, cook and handy penis holder. GET yourself together and prepare for leaving because if you are this upset already you will eventually be so fed up you will be leaving…. And without preparation you will not be able to do it when you need to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): "I married him knowing of many of these problems but he assured me he was changing (and at times he was better). Also, we had a baby and I thought it was right to marry him and make a family."
Two classic reasons NOT to get married.
"I'm a strong woman and would be just fine as a single mom. But do I really want to end the marriage so soon. I keep thinking of my children."
Ask yourself the classic question: Would you (and the kids) be better off with him or without him?
You really have a difficult road ahead no matter which you choose. My sympathies and best wishes to your children and you.
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