A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can a swinger give up that scene and be monogamous? I’ve started seeing someone who I really like. However they’ve been into swinging and I just don’t know if that’s something that people just give up. I prefer a monogamous relationship.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2020): You're monogamous and he's a swinger. Somebody's got to change.
It's commonsense not to go looking for a romantic-match you have to change. The only person you can or should change on this planet, is yourself. Just as you found him, you can find somebody else you like. Someone who has all the values, qualities, and solid-character you're looking for. Already built-in!
If you've got to reconstruct him, or you aren't sure what you're dealing with; your best move is to keep moving!
With a past like that, you'll always wonder if he's satisfied, or when will he get bored with you? Just when you've fallen head over heels, he suggests taking a walk on the wild-side! Are you ready for that? He has as much right to want to do the things he likes as you do. If you've got to reform him and save his soul; madam, you might be barking up the wrong tree!
He can claim to be a reformed-swinger. Then you'll always wonder...will he do it again, or try and go behind your back? If he starts making hints and suggestions; you'll feel compelled to oblige him. Then after you've thrown-away your own morals and values; he ups and decides, he's not that into you. We will answer for only one soul on that day of judgement at the pearly-gates. You can't use him as your excuse. You had a choice before you got-in too deep to turn-back.
Of course, people can change; but they have to want to change for their own reasons. Not because you've come along to judge his ways; and insist he should change to be what you think he ought to be. What if he decides he wants you to swing? Will you be inclined to change your values and test your moral-fiber to please him?
Pump the brakes!
It's best to be "evenly-yoked." You wouldn't have an ox and a mule both pulling the same plow, or a wagon. You'd have two oxen, or two mules. If they're not a matching pair, neither animal will get along; or they will misunderstand what's going on. Same holds true when you mismatch and mix people's values, habits, and propensities. You get conflict, contradiction, and that amounts to incompatibility.
If you have to remake, save, or rehabilitate a partner before you can be a couple; you're not using discernment or good-judgement. You're gambling with your heart.
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (7 May 2020):
 Its hard to say whether or not he would give up the swinging scene. If they have been involved in this kind of life for many years then maybe that's a way of life for them and converting to a monogamous relationship might be a rather tall order.
If this is a relationship that you envisage going further i would want to find out sooner rather than later, the longer you leave it the harder it will get.
Personally if it were me i would not be happy sharing my partner with different people. So if they were not willing to give up the swinging scene i would leave that relationship and move on.
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A
male
reader, Rhinocerous  +, writes (7 May 2020):
 Would you give up sex, the way you like it, for the rest of your life for him?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 May 2020):
 You would have to ask them.
We can't expect "swingers" has a hive-mind and all think alike, feel alike and live alike.
I would definitely have this conversation BEFORE investing any further.
You say you prefer a monogamous relationship, maybe you should reword that to a "ONLY" interested in a monogamous relationship. If he is not then maybe as likable as he is, he isn't right for you.
I'd also want to see a clean bill of health (std/sti) screening before sex, as he might gave had a LOT more casual partners than you and partner WITH more partners. And you should get tested yourself too in return. It just make sense.
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