A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:When I was in 10th grade, the 11th and 12th graders were hazing and initiating us even though it was against school rules. I thought it was just a guy thing but then had an 11th grade girl tells me I was her initiation assignment. I had training in martial arts and was a black belt as was my dad and older brother. I told her she and her childish games were just not relevant to me, that I had a test next period and did not have time for her. I also showed her the ring from martial arts class, told her I was a black belt, and that she would get hurt. I warned her in front of witnesses. I turned to walk away. She grabs me by the shirt, pulls me back, calls me a bitch, and orders me not to turn my back on her. I kicked and took out her knee. I mean torn ACL took out her knee. She's crying and screaming. Her parents want to press charges, sue, have me expelled. I won because it was hazing, she touched me first, and I warned her. How could her parents rationalize bullying? While I faced no legal or school sanctions, I was never popular in school again. It was like I was just supposed to take it. I saw this woman again over the weekend for the 1st time in years. She tried to speak to me. I ignored her. She sent a FB request. Why? Should I trust this? Can a school bully ever have redemptive qualities?
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female
reader, Tinacandida  +, writes (8 August 2021):
 Some good answers here. Mine is just short and sweet. School bullies should be put in their place but maybe taking out her knee was a bit harsh. Wasnt there any other manouver you were taught just to push her away. I cant think why she woukd want to try and make friends. I certainly woukd never give a bully athat privaledge.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2021): It seems everyone here says the bully changed.How do you really know that?? I had a bully in high school.Her name was jane.I had to drop out of school and basicly hide until I moved .She made my life hell.When I was 25 and I had my baby daughter in her stroller I saw her.We were at a church fair.I thought she grew up.Boy was I wrong big time.She never grew up you are as she threated to beat me up and kill my baby.I ran to my mother's house knowing if she caught me she would harm my child.The police were useless.Some people are just insane and get worse in time.But the best revenge is living well.You see she is poor as hell done bad in life.I did great despite her.So Jane if you are reading this...Ha ha ha....I am very rich now travel the world pre covid...own many properties....what do you have???Oh yeah...nothing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2021): I used to be a school bully. I hope that I am not the idiot I was in school. I grew up since than.
With that said, I would like to answer two of your questions: She sent a FB request. Why? Should I trust this?
I do not know why she sent you a Facebook request and I do not know if you can trust it. But you are under no obligation to accept her Facebook request or to trust her.
Yes, she might have change since she was in school. But that does not change the fact on what happened in high school. So if you decided to deny her Facebook request, that is your choice and I see no problem with that. The past did happen, no matter if she has change her ways or not.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 July 2021):
 I know SHE was the bully, but YOU were the strong one. She was sufficiently insecure and weak to need to bully someone she thought was weaker and more vulnerable, probably as a way of gaining acceptance from her peers, even though she must have known it was morally wrong. You, on the other hand, stood your ground, defended yourself and refused to be a victim. So the "price" you paid was not being uber popular at school. So what? You learned early in life that some people desperately need to be accepted, to be seen as "one of the crowd", regardless of what that takes. Leave them be and find people who understand you and are more like you. The others are not your people.
As for this girl making contact with you, why not just message her (you can do that without accepting her friend request) and simply say you were surprised to see a friend request from her and ask her why she has sent it. Depending on her response, you can decide whether to accept her request or to block her to stop her getting in touch again. Even if you accept her friend request, you can always unfriend her at a later date and block her if you feel it is the right thing to do.
Stay strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2021): Corrections:
*You were in your teens...not little girls. I stand corrected.
"He told me I'm a really nice kid; and he was very sorry for embarrassing me like that."
"I'd really forgotten all about it by this time."
I know from my own training in martial arts from the military that there are defensive techniques to deflect and repel a person away from you without causing severe injury. You could have caused cartilage and knee injury felt many years later; even requiring surgery. If you are a so-called blackbelt, you would know this. I really don't believe the outcome was as you claimed; witnesses didn't see her inflict any pain, or make bodily-contact. She only grabbed your skirt.
If you got out of it unscathed, and never got into any trouble, why the grudge?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2021): My dear, that was 10 years ago. You were both little girls! You overreacted, and you did someone physical harm using a trained self-defense technique, which she didn't know. You became the bully, because you were trained in advanced martial arts. So who's the bully now? Besides, most dojos teach their students to use restraint and never to employ dangerous moves against untrained individuals. If you're in a life-threatening situation; you are forced to use what you've learned. Getting your skirt pulled doesn't rise to that level.
Ever heard of something called forgiveness? You're petty!
When I was 15, there was a very muscular athletic kid in my gym class who always picked on me. His nickname for me was "lady-legs." He had the other guys teasing me about my "gorgeous lady-legs." One day in the locker room, fresh out of the shower he grabbed me from behind; and humped me in-front of the other guys. I was teased for weeks. I was walking home alone one-day, and I noticed him approaching me. My heart was in my throat! He told my I'm a really nice kid; and he was very sorry for embarrassing me like that. From then on, he never let another kid tease me; and never called me that again. I forgave him on the spot. He was nice to me from then on.
There was another kid who was in all my college preparatory accelerated-classes from junior high to high school. He was always calling me a sissy, and a pretty-boy; or making fun of how I dressed. He was relentless and mean. Years later, I was hailing a cab and guess who appears out of the blue? That mean and nasty guy from years ago! He recognized me! I was serving active duty in the Air Force at the time. He apologized for all the torture and torment. He explained he had alcoholic junky-parents, and his house was always a mess. I was quiet and shy, and he took-out all his frustrations on me. We took the cab together; and he apologized over and over. I really forgotten all about it by this time. I forgave him long ago, and moved on. As a Christian, that's how I was raised. I never really let the bullying and teasing get to me; because my older brothers had taught me how to defend myself, and not take teasing too seriously. It still hurt, and it was still humiliating; but I forgive both those dumb kids! I wouldn't hold that foolishness against them in the present. We were all kids!
You're an adult now, and she didn't even get a chance to hurt you. Instead, you hurt her! Seriously! You don't have to be friends, but in this situation the roles are reversed. You are a bully. One too shallow to know how to forgive and forget childish nonsense. You didn't suffer anything. She wants to make amends by extending an olive branch. What would Jesus do?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 July 2021):
 Sure, a bully can have redemptive qualities - EVERYONE can. Just like "nice" people can have some "bad" qualities that rarely show. People grow and mature, and people grow up. I think most of us have done something stupid and thoughtless in our teenage years. Maybe even later too.
I have only trained in Judo and only to my green belt, then I quit for another sport. But we were TAUGHT to not use excessive force around others. Even with my brother. I never used it on the 3 bullies I had in school who got physical with me. (because I was afraid of hurting someone else) My brother did though, but not to a point of "damage" to the other kids. They did leave me alone.
Does it make YOU the bad person that you reacted with "deadly force" on an unarmed and untrained peer? No. You just reacted to what you had been taught. I know with many martial arts you learn to react in a split second, so I'm not BLAMING you here. Though... With a little foresight, you could perhaps have used a lot less force and made your point nonetheless.
Hazing is stupid, immature, dangerous, and even deadly in some cases. Anyone who claims that:" oh we do it because WE were hazed too" is carrying on a "tradition" of absolute fatuity. It's an excuse to humiliate and/or harm others. Nothing less.
Been through a few in my time ( in sports, not school). But have never participated in hazing others. I didn't show up for the next couple of years' "initiation" events. In both sports (soccer and rowing) the trainers and adults were aware and "supervised to avoid it getting out of hand". Which again, was bullshit.
I absolutely digress. I'm sorry. Back to your question.
Could be that she contacted you because felt she owed you an apology? Perhaps. Or she wanted you to know there were no hard feelings over the torn ACL? Perhaps. Because that shit is serious too. Who knows? Who cares?
Personally? I would stay clear of her. I mean is there really any point in getting to know her? To let her into your life? You OWE her nothing. The world is full of people to make friends with. An old bully wouldn't be on my radar for even considering talking to them ever again. Even if they are now a different person, a "better" version of themselves. I wouldn't care.
It's OK to let go of the past, to forgive doesn't mean you will ever forget.
She was a SHEEP in high school who desperately wanted to be popular and thus participated in the hazing. YOU chose NOT to be a sheep. Something a "sheep" like her (back then) didn't understand.
Whether she has had her "redemption arc" or not, is unimportant. You DO NOT owe her anything.
If you don't want anything to do with her, don't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2021): Nope Nope and Nope.Do not friend this bully.Yes some people can change but most do not.This person is not worth the time of day.Think of the people she bullied that did not know the things you did.They got beat up.She is not a good person...delete her from your life and live well.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 July 2021):
 My very worst school bully (grade school years) is apparently quite a nice guy now. I looked him up on facebook after a bad dream one night. His current hobby is a charity for children.
So yes people can and do change. But, I didn't send a friend request. Honestly it is a bit much to expect trust. In your case it has only been a hand full of years. I'd look for more proof before inviting her into any circle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2021): ..how can you rationalize breaking someone's knee just because she grabbed your shirt ? You could have left her crippled permanently.As a matter of fact ,I doubt you remember exactly how things Went down actually;and if you do ,then school and parents grossly mismanaged the situation.By flaunting your black belt you were not , in that context, just warning her ;you were threatening her of bodily harm.Anyway,as far as your question is concerned,if young bullies cam ever develop redeeming qualities...I guess your ex enemy thinks so, and she contacted you because she feels you may have evolved from the dangerous little brutte that you used to be.
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