A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:It’s messy it’s complicated but I need advice. I started working in a local bar about 8 months ago. I’m 24 and when I started working there I met a man he’s 40. It started as friendly. He would always advise me on customers and always told me stories and helped me out. We also had deep conversations when I went out drinking. He told he was previously married but separated 5 years ago he has two kids 8 and 10. And also told me he separated from his wife because she wouldn’t accept a son he had from a previous relationship and he resented her for it as he lost a relationship with the child. We exchanged numbers one day because he said if I ever needed help to contact him . I gave him my number and that night he text me. It started with messages here and there just general chat until one Friday night I got a message from him telling me he fancied me, I laughed shrugged it off the next night when I was out he was out too he grabbed my hand wheeled me in and said he’s got it bad for me and it’s driving him crazy . I could read the signs before he said it. For weeks he was flirting . He would joke around with the boys in the bar saying he’s got a hard on and look right at me . That night he offered to walk me back to my apartment I fancied him like crazy too. He brushed up next to me and leaned in for a kiss I kissed him And it didn’t take long until we ended up having sex. That morning he woke up frantic and had to go. That evening I got a text from him apologizing for leaving he had work. After that he would joke that I kissed him . The next weekend I decided to go out when I sat down he called me away and wanted to talk we discussed that night he said how he couldn’t stop thinking of it and asked me how I felt about perhaps dating. I agreed and he was surprised. Next morning he had a date and time planned . We also had many date nights in my place. For the first few months I felt a lot of our relationship was built on sex. He had a higher sex drive than guys my own age. Even one crappy rainy day he suggested he would call over and stay but we would spend the whole day in bed. That day we had sex 11 times to a stage where I almost could not keep up. I asked him why the high drive and he said he hasn’t had it in years . It even got a stage one night in the middle of the night we were kissing and just as we were going to have it he relised he didn’t have condoms left obviously I thought well that’s not going to happen , but he was still going to continue when I said what are you doing he replied it won’t happen after one go and if it does we will be fine. I turned him down and he was pretty mad and began saying would a baby with me be so bad and I told him no but it’s not the time ?! I never once doubted him , I knew I was out of his league to begin with I was 16 years younger and good looking I’m not trying to sound vain but being honest he wasn’t the type of man I’d usually go for but his personality won me over and I was attracted to him he even told me many times that he can’t believe that he’s with me. We would spend every Friday and Saturday together that was it never any other day. I started getting weird feelings 2 months ago I started to question why he never lets me call to his place he laughed and said it’s a mess with work sheets and wouldn’t be a nice place to go. Then one night while we were having sex his phone began to vibrate in his pants . At first he just continued to kiss me but the phone wouldn’t let up this was 3 am. When I asked him does he want to get it he kept saying no until he got incredibly frustrated and switched it off . When I tried to ask him who he kept trying to arouse me and change the subject and said work I said at 3am? And he replied yes pushed me to the bed and carried on. Next morning he took a shower I felt something odd was up so I checked his phone , I discovered he was still with his wife and they had been exchanging toxic text messages between them. She was asking him where he was . I turned his phone off and I began to shake. He got out of the shower and by his face he knew I knew and he began to repeat over and over no no no please wait . I felt so sick that I didn’t give him a chance to speak I screamed at him to get out. We ended up having a ten minute argument where he said if he told me I wouldn’t have showed interest and he was right . I even brought up the night where he wanted unprotected sex and he said he genuinely wouldn’t mind if it happened because he sees a future I told him he was careless and he said maybe I was but it wouldn’t upset me but I respected your choice in the end. His wife always went away with the kids Friday and saturdays to her parents who live 4 hours away. He pleaded for me to listen more but I again said get out so he left. In three days he gave me 98 missed calls and 60 text messages in the end I agreed to meet him and talk to him privately. He explained his marriage is dead they always talked of divorce hadn’t sex in 6 years and have no love. He explained that his wife and him haven’t slept in the same bed in 5 years and are literally house mates. They don’t get on but the mortgage kept them together, his 2 kids know of there parents problems and he has explained the house is very unhappy as it is . I told him I can’t have an affair and I wasn’t interested anymore , but being honest my feelings for the man were strong but I didn’t want drama. He told me he will do what it takes that he didn’t want an affair but that he honestly didn’t think I would even be interested in him when he reached out. We didn’t speak for 5 days. He then text me if he could call. I told him no. That night I called him and asked him where he was he told me he was gonna stay in his car until he sorted a place I obviously wasn’t going to let him there so I told him to stay the night. When he came in he told me he’s not going to force me to take him in or back but pleaded with me to believe and trust that he has never done anything like this that it’s out of character do him and he’s in love. He went forward to explain that his marriage is toxic and hasn’t told his wife of the affair but is in hope that we could continue now that he is separated and explain to her that he met someone after they separated. The conversation got deep and I kissed him. We just held eachother. Since then I’ve let him stay. We talk we laugh we get on great but I have explained that I don’t want to continue a relationship yet. All I want to do is kiss him have sex with him and just continue our relationship as I genuinely do love this man and he’s given me an incredible 6 month relationship but I am also afraid of what could follow with his wife. He assures me it’s going to be just us and his kids in time. He’s been in my home over a week now and the urge I have to tell him I want him is high and there is a lot of tension between us. He grabs me , kisses my neck, And has helped me alot around the house. What should I do all men who have affairs can’t be trusted? Or is this just a disaster .
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2019): OP, read very carefully what 'anonymous' (Male) wrote on Sep 03rd.Now I wanted you to read the following also VERY carefully and try to digest it.Like you, I was young and pretty once and stupidly managed to fall in love with a married man twice my age. He was so full of it and the world could see what a douche he was but I struggled to see through the rose tinted glasses! I always felt special because he would shower my with gifts, pay me compliments and tell me he loves me all the time! He gave me the old cliche 'my wife and I don't have sex, I even sleep on the sofa as we don't get on... I only married her because of the kids etc'.After 3 years and lots of heartache I gave him an ultimatum. He chose me - left his wife and kids and came to live with me. What a big fat mistake that was and not a day goes by when I don't regret giving that ultimatum! Male 'anonymous' has it spot on, my married man would drink more and become miserable due to his wife taking him to the cleaners even before the divorce and yes - he took it out on me! Yes - he was homeless and he would give all his money to the wife out of guilt and use my home as a hotel - leaving his crap everywhere and paying nothing towards the bills etcIt was as though he resented me because he had given up the cushy life of having his wife run around after him doing his cleaning/washing/making food etc We would also argue endlessly every time he got his phone out because I knew he was still txting her. I also caught him on sleazy dating sites a few times. Role on 8 years later and he finally got around to signing the divorce papers! By this time I had emotionally clocked off and apparently so did he because as soon as the divorce papers were signed he ended the relationship, moved out and got his own place etc with the settlement.In a nutshell I was used! I put my life on hold waiting for him to make good on his promise of commitment and all the while he was full of s***. Like you I was the only one who couldn't see it.I'm telling you this in the hope that it's still early enough for you to escape but I suspect otherwise. Married men who cheat are very clever in their manipulation technique and have a certain way of making us believe their garbage. Only maturity and experience can provide clear vision on this one I suspect!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 September 2019):
 Statistically speaking, your chances for a healthy and long relationship that began as an affair is WAY low.
Personally, I think he is playing you. You are young and without much experience. He knows EXACTLY what buttons to push to get you to agree.
Some sad sob-story about him having to live in his car makes you invite him to live with you without fail. So what that he "helps out around the house"?
HE IS STILL MARRIED.
The reason you can't just divorce someone overnight is for the MARRIED couple to take a divorce serious and to GIVE them both some time to think, reflect and work through whatever broke up the marriage in the first place.
He can TELL you ANYTHING about his marriage and you will have NO way of knowing, You are just "supposed" to trust him even if he LIED to you and WITHHELD that he was married to GET you in bed and interested. And you FELL for it. HOOK, LINE & SINKER!
He tried to have unprotected SEX with you! Think about it! Maybe he was hoping if he knocked you up you HAD to stay with him regardless of his morals, values and his character. HOW low can a guy go? Trying to TRAP you into being with him?!
What IF you got pregnant with his kid, and it didn't work out...? You and your child would be LOWEST of the list of receiving child support. And HE wouldn't give a single flying fart.
IF he REALLY cares about you, he will MOVE out o your place, FINISH the divorce and when he is a "FREE SINGLE man", then he will DATE you, woo you and be faithful to you.
Lastly, you have to consider that IF you stay with him, eventually he will HAVE to take responsibility for his children (financially and otherwise) and you will end up with a partner with PISS-POOR finances.
YOU CAN'T trust him. He has ALREADY proven to you that he will LIE to get what he wanted (you/sex with you).
The whole "but I love him" is bullshit. It's NOT a good excuse to be involved in an affair. EVER. And let's not forget, if he can SCREW around on his wife, with whom he has made a SACRED bond in front of God and family - he can CHEAT and SCREW around on you. YOU are not more "special" than the wife. Sure you are a bit younger, FOR now, which might make you a little higher" value" but you are throwing that "VALUE" to a pig. At some point... maybe YOU will grow older and he will be out looking for a younger "model" who is as naive as you were.
Stop wasting your life and POTENTIAL for a GOOD and solid relationship on a man who ISN'T worthy of you OR his wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2019): Take it from me, the mistress of a married man... No, it can't work out. No, it will never work out. You are doomed to suffer at the hands of this man for however long you stay attached to him. It only gets harder the more you fall in love with him. He won't leave his wife. You are just new side sex and he will toss you aside when somebody new comes along. One day this man will destroy everything good about you. Don't stay 5 years like I did.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 September 2019):
 Oh my dear girl, this player certainly knows how to pull your strings and ring your bell.
Firstly, let me tell you about a friend of mine in a relationship with a married man for 12 years, he kept promising her the moon and the stars and she believed him.
He did leave his wife eventually, for the wife's best friend.
What a waste of a life waiting for that no good cheater, she put her life on hold waiting for him and in the end it was a big fat ZERO.
Don't let this be you, if this guy was going to leave his wife he would have already done so instead of exchanging toxic texts and scurrying off in a hurry when he overslept.
His comments about you in the bar clearly demonstrate how much respect he has for you as a person, none. You are fresh meat, young and tender and you were ripe for the picking. As for not minding if you got pregnant, that's just another hook to convince you he is genuine.
He's not. Not genuine, not respectful, not loving, and certainly not worth getting tangled up with.
I hope you do the right thing by yourself and give this arsehat a wide berth.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2019): If a man thinks that he might have serious feelings for a woman he has got to know, he starts to care very much about what she might feel for him. And he treats her in a way that would mean she might feel something good about him.That behaviour would NEVER include mentioning hard-ons in front of other men and looking at you while he did so. That is such gross behaviour that if he really liked you, that would be the last thing he would do. He was showing off in front of his friends and seeing if you thought of yourself in that way. As a piece of meat who is easy to shag. Talking about his genitals in that way and including you in the conversation was a way of letting you know what this little fiasco was going to be all about. If you let it.Sadly you were intrigued by his action and entranced by the thought of his attention. That gave him the green light to make his moves on a woman with little self esteem, whom he could take to bed and easily fool. He shares more than a mortgage with his wife otherwise why would she be calling him again and again until three in the morning, caring about where he is? If his marriage is as he says, then she would just be glad that he was out of her way. She wouldn't be calling him until all hours.You can't believe one single word that he says. Men like him have been working women like you since for ever. Seducing them, getting their numbers on any pretext like if you need his help (??) and then slowly working their way to the subject of their 'feelings' for you. Oh yes he has feelings for you alright. They live in his penis. And there they will stay. You have to hope to God that he stays with his poor wife. Otherwise you might be so blindsided by this twat, that you would fall for entering into a relationship with him, where you would be the woman calling him at all hours wondering what innocent, but stupid barmaid was dropping her knickers for him now.He knows you like him. So he knows that all he has to do is kiss your neck and stay near you and you will want to get him into bed again. That's up to you, but understand that this man does not care about you at all. He was quite ok with having unprotected sex with you, without EVEN BOTHERING to find out how YOU felt about it!! Entitled men like that are DANGEROUS! You are basically his doll with no say in what happens. It's very easy for him to say that he would have been fine if you had had a child together, but did he care whether YOU MINDED?!! It's easy for him to say these things because men like him have been getting women pregnant for centuries and then WALKING AWAY. You are the woman who has to bear the child and rear it for a substantial part of your life. He just has to find another bar to go to. And perhaps pay child maintenance. You are going to have to wise up considerably before giving your heart and what's between your legs to blokes like him. He is married and you are extra marital sport. And if I'm mistaken and he has real feelings for you then I really hope you don't get any more involved with a man who treats women like this. Listen to this next part VERY carefully. He GOT MAD with you when it looked like you were going to actually refuse sex with him. Because you had no condoms. He got angry because he thought that you should be ok with getting pregnant by him and having a child with him!! These are very big subjects that people who are in real relationships give a lot of thought and discussion to.....not just 'Well we've got no condoms, so why would it be that bad getting pregnant by me?' Do you see how unimaginably selfish and entitled he is being?? I know I'm being harsh, but I want you to wake up!! You are with a horrible, horrible man. Who pretends to be nice. And you are young and innocent with regard to how certain men work and how to spot them. I have done similar to you in the past. Thankfully I know better now. I'm just trying my best for you to know the same. All the best and good luck.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (3 September 2019):
 OP, I hope that you will read carefully what other aunts/uncles are advising you but sadly I doubt that you will follow what we advise. You are young and often when we are young we think we know everything and refuse to see what older more experienced people have either experienced or know.
I will tell you straight out to walk away. End things now before you bring more hurt into your life. This man is using you and doesn't care about anyone but himself. Most men that have affairs will claim to love their "mistress" but the truth is that they love themselves and in the end very seldom will leave their wives or families for the other woman.
My best friend got involved with a married man. She knew from the start that he was married and she didn't care. She was 22-23 at the time. He told her the familiar lies that men tell women "We are in a loveless marriage, we don't have sex, I'm just waiting for the kids to grow up" the list goes on and on. This man was the same age as our father's and he knew he had it good dating a pretty girl that could be his daughter. He had no intention of leaving his wife. I believe his wife even knew about the affair but chose to close her eyes and look away. We lived in a small town and the whole town knew what was going on.
My girlfriend stayed with this man for 7 years. She got pregnant by him, he gave her money for an abortion because of course he couldn't handle the "shame" of her having his baby. Meanwhile, my friend's life was on hold. All of us were getting married, having kids while she was waiting..waiting..He kept telling her that he was going to leave his wife. He never did. My friend would wait for anytime he could see her, sitting by the phone, waiting for those stolen times alone together.
She FINALLY got smart and ended the relationship. She lost 7 years of her life that she can never get back.
Don't be stupid. Get out now. Affairs seldom end with the man leaving his wife and marrying his mistress. To be honest even if the man leaves his wife for the mistress there is always doubt and mistrust between the couple just because of how things started. "If he cheats with you he will cheat on you" rings very true.
You can do better. You are hurting innocent bystanders and you know it. How would you feel if this was your husband? Love yourself enough to want better.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (3 September 2019):
 Perhaps you should discuss this with his wife? Have you tried putting yourself in her shoes for just a moment? She takes their kids to see their grandparents a couple of nights a week and her feckless husband jumps straight into bed with the first available barmaid who will accommodate his hard-on. Nice.
I wonder why you have such low self-esteem that you think this is all you are worth? He has been lying to both you and his wife all this time. She has children with him and a marriage certificate, and probably lots of financial ties. You, on the other hand, have the option to say "I am worth better" and wash your hands of him and walk away before you get in any deeper.
I wonder where he has told his wife he is? I would bet the last shirt off my back that he hasn't told her he is shacked up with you. Even if he does divorce his wife, are you ready to take on his children, who will probably hate you for splitting up their parents? Having them around will certainly stop their father acting like a randy teenager.
I would advise opening your eyes, realizing what a car crash situation you are creating and walking away. Sadly I doubt you will do that. I predict you will be back at some point, when this is an even bigger mess.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2019): Wow OP! At first you were just stupid and too horny to pass up a real charmer, who eyed you up in front of a group of drunk guys, then declared his hard on for you. How romantic! No wonder you dropped your panties for him. The thing is that now you cannot plead ignorance, because you know that this man is still married. Who would want a man, who is a confirmed liar? You do realize that if this man gets divorced, that his wife and her attorney are going to take your adulterous boyfriend to the legal fianancial cleaners, right? That is gonna send your boyfriend into a rather bad mood. More drinking and anger issues! Guess who he is gonna take it out on? Of course it will be you, since, you will have to keep him at your place, as he will be homeless, when the Family Court is finished with him! You, Miss, are a woman of questionable character, and your name will be dragged thru the judicial mud! If you are smart, you will bail, and send that cheating loser packing. Have some pride and take your dignity back OP!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2019): It does very little good to tell women your age not to have affairs. You'll do it anyway. You have to go through the pain and drama it causes. You have to learn the hard-way.
I'll stand-in for the voice of reason. Since you did voluntarily cry-out for help! I'll be tough, I have to warn you! I have to get past what your heart tells you to do; and appeal to your sense of reason. You wrote a very long post; because you're sinking, and about to drown! You are being held captive by your emotions; and you've convinced yourself you've found love. All I can do is plant a seed, and hope it germinates in your common-sense. That depends on how fertile your sense of reasoning is!
This lust-driven connection you have is now a full-fledged extramarital affair; but your youth tells you it's okay. The mere fact you met him in a bar; then toss in the jewel that he tells you he had a hard-on for you. I guess you might say that was the whole story in a nutshell.
You're ignoring the fact he has a wife and kids for your own selfish reasons. Did you really write for advice? Perhaps you wanted to practice writing a romance novel. Maybe you're hoping someone will ease your guilt, and tell you it's okay.
You're digging a hole, and it's getting deeper and deeper. It's now over your head; and that's why it's harder to climb-out. That loser played you! He knew he had you pegged; because you're young, and your hormones would override your better-judgement. This is thrilling and intriguing at the beginning; but at best, anticlimactic! He presumes your values were shaky, or you would have been totally insulted when some guy tells you he's sexually-aroused in-front of other male-patrons. Pretend you are offended, it's inappropriate! It was grossly disrespectful! He was demonstrating his smooth-moves for the other guys! He threw you the bait to see if you'd bite...and you did!!!
You've been brought-down to his lower-level; because sex has become your primary-connection. It might not have occurred to you that his wife doesn't have sex with him; because she knows he has women on the side? Maybe his marriage is toxic, because he's hanging-out at bars chasing after younger gullible-females?
He has found himself a youthful, attractive, and willing fantasy-playmate to attend to his sex-addiction. He has no conscience about his family; while he's hanging-out at your "crib." Pardon the pun! Lesson to be learned here? Be highly-suspicious of any man who won't let you near his place! If it's a mess, that should be a deal-breaker in and of itself. He needs a housekeeper; because he's a slob, and he's disorganized. Any man who can't cleanup after himself, doesn't do well at grooming and hygiene either!
Leave the word "love" out of it. It's a convenient excuse, and a lame way to justify ignoring your higher-conscience; which tells you it's wrong! You're also ignoring your common-sense; which is that gut-feeling that you have telling you this is going to end badly.
Sooner or later, he's going to have to go home. He dragged his low-life messy marriage-arrangement into your life. Now you're stuck!
I'm just going to give it to you straight. I'm not going to mince words.
Mistresses usually lose. The married-guy gets what he wants, and once you've come to your senses; you'll realize you haven't really gained anything. You've thrown all your values out the window. You've postponed all your better opportunities. He's using the classic-excuses for not divorcing his wife. His kids bear witness to how he trashes their mother; and they see her anguish and frustration firsthand. It's just something you don't care to think about. You know his story is bull; but it doesn't matter, because you know what you want. He's still married! You're his mistress. Let's call a spade a spade!
He's preying on your gullibility. He's writing the script as he goes; counting on your inexperience and weakness to make you submit. He found a soft-spot. Maybe even daddy-issues! While you've been sidetracked, whomever was truly meant for you has probably come and passed you by. You're too busy messing-around with some woman's husband! You were innocent, until you knew the facts! Now whatever you do is a conscious and deliberate-effort.
What's really sad is he played you with the same old cliche worn-out excuses. My wife is the problem, she won't give me sex, she's a shrew; yet there's always some reason he won't leave her. He even could have gotten you pregnant; and would have dumped you the minute that happened. Like he did the other kid he dropped on some gullible and sappy younger-female; who got caught-up in another lowlife cheating-scam. Why would his wife care where he is? Why would they be fighting, if they were only together for a mortgage? She wouldn't care if he got run-over by a bus! Then she could collect his life-insurance, and move-on with her life.
Don't throw in all the little comments like you've resisted; or refused to give-in. Now you know the fact he's still married. You're in it up to your neck...or should I say just below the waist!
This has to run it's course; and you have to fall on your butt, before you've learned anything. Thinking with your genitals and calling it love gets you into a really awful mess! You had the opportunity to kick him out. Instead, you decided to jump-in with both feet. You're aiding and abetting a runaway-husband! You're having an affair, and harboring a man who has abandoned his family.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2019): Sorry, sweetie but what kind of a guy who is serious about you not tell you he's married? Or proclaim publicly he has a hard on while looking at you? He is having a good time banging you. That's all he wants. Sex. He's bored at home or having issues with his wife. But you are much too young and far too good for this creep to not only give him the time of day but to put your heart in his hands. Don't waste your life. Move on NOW.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2019): Unless he shows you divorce papers, you have no business being intimate with a married man. He has no intention of leaving his wife let alone his family.
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