A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriends mood goes from one extreme to the I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, and living together for 2 years. Everything was the best to start with but now there are times when things are not so great. We have both been through a lot of stress and challenges since living together (health issues mainly) but we work through them as best we can, and have overcome some, but some still persist. I’m a very positive person, but still sometimes things get to me, but overall I still have this internal positivity that keeps me going...My boyfriend is also positive a lot of the time, but it’s rare I see him happy and upbeat for a whole day. His mood really makes me question things at times. For example the other night we couldn’t agree on a film to watch, and as it was taking a while, we were both without a drink for a while. I gave him the remote and said for him to just put on what he wants as I may just go to bed...he chose something and went into the kitchen for a drink, but still unsure what to have, and asked me what I was having. I said I may go to bed, so just do what you want and don’t think about what I’m having (we often have the same). I was sat there really tired anyway and just thought it would be best to go to bed, but when I told him this he seemed annoyed, saying that we needn’t have taken so long, wasting time browsing through the films, if all I was doing was going to bed. I tried to say goodnight and he just walked off with his beer in his hand and abruptly said “night” leaving me there - no kiss or anything...I don’t know if I’m over reacting or thinking into it too much, but I don’t think that kind of treatment is right to the person you’re supposed to love..? On the other hand, when things are great, they really are great - the best! We have a laugh, and are very silly, in a fun way! It was only the other day when he was telling me how starved of time he is (which is obvious to me anyway), and when he has time off he needs some time to himself - to catch up on his own stuff, which I completely understand. He needs to do these things, and sometimes we may want to do different things, which is fine. All of what he was saying I completely agree with and understand, so I’ve been trying to make it easy. For example, the other day I had made our dinner for us and took mine into the dining room, along with a drink, thinking he would be in with me a few minutes later - no pressure though, haha! I was absolutely starving so made a start with eating (we have such different work hours - he works nights, so his body clock is all over the place, along with his eating patterns). When he came into me he wasn’t happy that I had rushed off and started eating without him (something I’ve always preferred to do when possible), saying he didn’t have time to make a drink. However, I was just trying to be more relaxed about the situation - after our talk only the previous day! When I mentioned this, he said I’m always going to have that as “ammunition” ...!! For some reason he thinks I can come across as defensive, in my choice of words, and apparently “I attack back”. This makes me feel like he’s trying to prevent me from sticking up for myself if I need to, or holding back my thoughts if they don’t line up to his, and I’ve told him this. I always say we are supposed to be on the same side (to which he agrees), but we still seem to have these petty situations, and I really can’t be bothered with them. One other example was today when we were driving back from doing the food shop, we had planned to do an afternoons work on the garden, and as we were getting closer to home I asked if he was going to have a coffee when we got back, to which he said he might do, and asked me if I was going to have one. I said I probably will too, with some chocolate- to which he was surprised, and said “in the day? We’re supposed to be working” (We are actually off work this week, which is rare for us, and as I’m self employed I don’t get paid if I don’t work). I replied and said if I want chocolate in the day I will - after all it is my time off, unpaid, which I want to enjoy, so I will do if I want to. He accused me of answering “snotty” As you can see there’s quite a few instances there where it’s just completely petty, but I’m sick of it being like this between us. When things are good - which they are on a daily basis (but also petty on a daily basis too) I always say how much I love when we get on, and I just want us to get on all the time - he agrees, but we still end up being petty.Earlier this year we went on an amazing holiday, it was 10 full days in the middle of winter, to a hot sunny climate, fully inclusive food and drinks, and total relaxation, and all of our days there were brilliant! We got on amazingly (as we should), and just had the best time! I’m not sure what I’m asking, I supposed I’m just interested in peoples opinions here, or general advice. When things are good they really are the best ever, but when things aren’t so good - I get tired of it, but then it’s good again - up, down, up, down, all in the same day, and sometimes I feel the up/down emotions have been contributing to each of our health issues.Thanks for reading, and thank you in advance of any replies. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2019): Here we go, the 3-5 year phase of a relationship. What I like to call the "make-it or break-it phase."
As a couple, either you consider marriage; or you go your separate-ways. Some make the mistake of having kids outside of marriage. That arrangement (faux-marriage) often makes men feel trapped and resentful. Although he loves his kid(s); he feels stuck with a woman he loves less, or not really at all. Sometimes he has second-thoughts about this confinement. He really isn't married, and freedom tempts him to want to break free of it. Many cheat, or just turn into unbearable-scumbags; but she just clings like lint! When the guy won't let-go; she submits, feeling over-powered. Sometimes she fears being alone, or she may never find anybody else. She then feels trapped and resentful.
The relationship plateaus in this phase. There's sometimes a lull in passion, and people start picking on each-other; but they can't come right-out and say what's on their minds. They just blurt-out insults and threats when they're fighting! They hint around, or expect their partners to read their minds. There's an underlying-issue they just won't address; they just bicker and fight instead.
Women are more likely to want marriage. They'll deny it. They call themselves not pressuring him; so they bitterly pretend they're happy to be a perpetual-girlfriend. All the while pissed to the gills that he hasn't proposed, or even considered the next step. Frustration sometimes turns into hidden-resentment when someone wants marriage; and the other shows no signs of heading in the same direction. Hence, the nit-picking and petty-bickering begins.
People are people, and it's impossible to get along 24/7. It's not always the matter regarding the next-step. There's ignored-incompatibility. Personalty-conflicts that can't be adjusted; so, people try to force their partners to change with nagging and intimidation.
If you're always on-top of each other; give each other me-time and elbow-room. Just because you're a couple doesn't mean you have to be conjoined at the hip! Insecurity makes people codependent; but they also smother each-other in the process. Then they wonder why they fight all the time?
If he was never been that affectionate, or very much of a sweetie-pie; don't try to make him that way three years into it. You can't change people. It's tough enough to change yourself; so feeling annoyed at him is your problem, not his!
Conflicting work-schedules will sometimes limit your quality-time together. You two need to draw-up some ground-rules on how to avoid bickering over small-stuff. Be grown-ups already!
Get plenty of rest and sleep. Eat a healthy diet. Have quiet-time together, with no talking.
Just cuddling and snuggling. You may be off from work, but you may still be tired, and in need of an attitude-adjustment. Back-off each-other when you feel tension brewing between you!
If you don't feel like each-others company on your days-off; be kind to each-other, and go do what you want to do. Even spend time in opposite-ends of the house. If you're in a funk, or feeling moody, that isn't the time to crowd each other. Learn how to read your partner's moods, and when not to press on the other party's nerves. If the place is too small, you had better consider getting a larger one. Being cramped makes people edgy. Nobody, even a slob, likes a cluttered mess. It also makes you touchy and abrasive. Keep your place neat and clean.
That includes both of you!
Reality-check! People who really prefer living alone never really adjust to sharing a place with somebody else. They tolerate each other, but deep-down...they hate it!!!
Sometimes you're going to disagree, or get on each-others nerves. When you live together, you might get petty and little squabbles occur; because everyone is trying to establish their position of power and authority. Maybe you're just venting frustrations! Personality-clashes can occur when there are too many areas of incompatibility. Bearing in-mind that it's impossible to always agree, or be perpetually "happy!"
You seem to carry a chip on your shoulder, and he seems to have a habit of knocking it off. Must you overreact every-time he's a nincompoop? Sometimes you simply hold your peace, and you don't react or respond. Just let it pass. We all have quirks and imperfections! From your description of your situation; it seems you have to have a counter-response (or reaction) to just about everything! If you're as positive as you say, don't let him annoy you so easily. Perhaps you're not as positive or easygoing as you think you are; if you two bicker so much.
I don't care whom you'll ever be with, you will never find anyone who doesn't disagree, doesn't get angry, or will never get on your nerves. You're both human, have quirks, pet-peeves, and often you're both petty. There doesn't have to be a reason, just human-nature.
When you determine that your incompatibilities rise to a level of constant conflict and disagreement; then you have to decide if you're really a good-match. You must access the relationship to determine if it has run its course. Nothing works, no matter how hard you try.
I say this frequently to couples. Choose your battles. Every little snippy-remark doesn't deserve a comeback. Learn to roll your eyes, shake your head, and shrug stupid little things off. Stop stewing on things until they fester into full-blown anger. Tell him without condescension or attack in your voice, when the conversation has gotten out-of-hand. Call a truce, be the bigger-person, and apologize. If the tension doesn't subside, excuse yourself. Without a grand-standing performance, just say you'd rather just leave this alone! You're getting nowhere! Or, just simply change the subject!
You have to exercise being diplomatic. Be a peace-maker. If diplomacy never works; then it means you're irreparably incompatible as a couple. Holding your peace and choosing your battles doesn't mean you're being submissive; it shows that there is at-least one adult in the room. Staying calm, even when offended, usually diffuses tension. If it doesn't, then you're two conflicting-personalities; or two very immature people, who shouldn't be living together.
Grasp the reality you cannot be happy 24/7. People get in each-others way, and we sometimes get on each others nerves. Exercise maturity and learn that you don't have to turn every little bicker into a fight. You don't have to be huffy, defensive, or a big-baby! If it's too small, then leave it alone. If it's too big, or disagreements are too frequent; then consider if your relationship has run its course.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2019): It sounds like you both are sniping at each other and you sound like you are stepping away from been a ONE couple to doing things alone, like drinking coffee and eating meals and sleeping. There is an issue underneath all this trivia that needs clearing. I notice you have not mentioned what the health issue is. Pettiness can develop into full scale fall outs. Speak the truth and maybe you can both learn to join but not be joined at the hip with every life decision such as chocolate on coffee. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2019): The one thing that strikes me is lack of communication. With the dining room incident with you eating alone, why didn't you say to him that you were going to do that and why? It could look as if you were in a mood. Also with you going to bed when you were supposed to be watching a film, it sounds like you were sulking for some reason. If you weren't, then let him know in no uncertain terms what you are doing and why and make sure he gets a kiss and a cuddle and reassurance that there's nothing wrong and that you still love him. If I had been your boyfriend on the occasion that you suddenly change your mind about plans for the evening to watch a film together then I would have felt pissed off too, unless I'd had the reason thoroughly explained to me and a show of love and reassurance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2019): I think its safe to say that his little putdowns are getting you down.Other than that youre fine.He may always be like this and then try to blame it all on you.Subliminally he is perhaps a little jealous of you and the point is 'how much of this can you take before you give up or read him the riot act.'As you are young you have quite a lot of time to realise how it is that you want to be treated.I think its fair to say that he may carry this trait forever and all you can do is to have firm words.From his point of view he thinks its all fine.But reasses if you are doing all of the giving in this relationship as this would mean he is defensively aggressive because he is incapable of thanking you because he needs you so badly and he is secretly worried that you will ditch him and move on.Dont feel sorry for poor ol him though.Tell him firmly that if he cant speak to you without including a putdown of sorts, then he is out of your life.Because this type of guy knows exactly what they are doing.And will carry on doing it.
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