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male
age
51-59,
*urdo
writes: hi my question is it reasonable to expect a relationship to continue when only one of the couple has any sex drive my partner wont disscus it its been a problem for three years now we are both 39 years old.
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male
reader, murdo +, writes (11 December 2006):
murdo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks 4 giving me advice its nice to hear dif points of veiw and to get it from a females perspective i apprecitae all the advice an hope to talk more soon murdo
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (10 December 2006):
 Ultimately this will probabaly kill your relationship unless you open channels of communication and fast. When one person has needs that are not being met, and show no chance of being met without professional help you need to get it sorted and sorted quick.
Suggest relationship counselling. Or psycho-sexual conselling. Don't leave it any longer. Do it today. It will help.
x
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A
female
reader, Juliette +, writes (10 December 2006):
 Somehow it has to be discussed. There may be issues she feels she cannot talk to you about. Is she OK with you in every other way, or is the relationship struggling generally?
Sex drive is usually there in everyone but needs certain componants to be active such as physical health, mental wellbeing, how your partner is treating you, how comfortable you feel with them, if you actually fancy them, performance issues, all number of things. I have gone off sex in the past because my husband had some habits that were very offputting, yet I could not be brutal enough to tell him he just did not turn me on! I am not saying this applies to you as it is just an example. I would say you have been patient waiting 3 years but then I don't know if you have pestered her every day during that time, or been sensitive and understanding. If you have been the latter then I am very sorry it has not paid off, but the time has come to be firm. You could try discussing it with your GP and they may send for her to have a health check and ask her if she has any concerns. The invite may allow her to set the wheels in motion to get help. If she declines, then try to get her to attend marriage guidence with Relate (if you in the UK), they also have sex therapists who can help, but you do have to pay.
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A
female
reader, Nikita +, writes (10 December 2006):
 Hi Murdo,
If this relationship is to continue then you have to discover the real reason why your partner has no sex drive. Its normal when one has a higher or lower drive than the other but not if that person has no drive at all. Has she been depressed? Has anything happened in her past to affect the way she views sex?. What is the condition of your relationship apart from youe sex life? Do you still love each other? You have to ask yourself these questions and also ask yourself wether you want to be with her if this is going to continue. Try and talk to her again. You say she wont discuss it. Perhaps you may have been too persistant or pushy in your questioning. You need to talk to her when she's most relaxed. Dont make her feel defensive when you ask how she's feeling. Just say you love her and that you want to know why she doesnt feel like having sex. Say you dont want to push her, you'd just like to know the reasons because you're concerned for her. Dont say, 'Im frustrated(even if you are)and Im suffering and i need sex' cos that will just make her clam up even more. be gentle and loving. Set the scene and ask her what the problem or reason is. If she is open to discussion then maybe you can begin to slowly initiate sex again in a romantic way. Suggest a massage by candlelight but dont rush straight in for the kill! Take it very slowly at first, maybe just the massage at that time then next time going a bit further and so on until she's happy to allow full sex. Hope this helps you. if it doesn't then maybe try counselling. Even if she wont go along you could still go where they'll be able to give you further advice. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2006): i think you need to sit down with your partner and tell her that you need a serious talk with her. just be blunt, but be gentle and maintain control if frustrated. if she's your wife, then discuss whether you want children. good luck.
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A
male
reader, moomoomoo  +, writes (10 December 2006):
 everyone should have a sex drive.. just depends on the magnitude of it... if one has really really low and one has really really high, well, it won't be easy lets just say. if one is nonexistent, then its kinda wrong.
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