A
male
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*adbrit
writes:SORRY THIS IN LONG. BUT I REALLY NEED HELP AND NEED TO MAKE ANY HELPERS UNDERSTAND IT ALL IN ORDER TO UNDERSTAND THEN ADVICECan a partner really be undecided about their feelings? Can "I am confused" be true or does it always mean they have fallen out of love.Basically I have been with my GF for over three years, we have had a lot of ups and downs, but it generally been good. We have lived together for a couple years and had a baby at Christmas just gone.We fell out a couple months back and now it seems impossible to get back on track. She says "the desire is gone.... my feelings aren’t there anymore.... I am confused...I don’t know which way I am leaning...etc"But, since this all started two months ago, we have got on great, she will kiss me BACK, hug me BACK, say I love you TOO, hold hands, do stuff together, but under it all, there is a distance, we can get on great, to a point then she will push me away like she doesn’t want any intimacy, pushes me away when I try to kiss her with any passion, but it ok if just a gentle soft pecking type of kiss. I have felt that since the baby, she has a real hormonal problem maybe and fear of sex, and greatly diminished libido. That in turn is turning off desire, which of course will then make you question your whole feelings but maybe I am deluding myself and clutching at straws. I help hugely at home - cook all the meals, offer to look after baby loads, tidy up, pay all the bills, give her an allowance so she has her own money, let her decide whether to work or not, am affectionate, considerate, support her, try to understand the problem we are having, buy her treats, take her out etc etc so it is not a case of me having to do more.She does say stuff like, she is tired a lot, aching, feeling a bit ill, a bit fearful of sex, does feel her body has changed although it really hasn’t.I have spoke to her about this, even suggesting it I to do with having a baby, have made a note of loads of sites that may help, suggested counselling, been patient etc, but she doesn’t seem to want to help herself, says she will think about the counselling then does nothing more. Normally I would think it is the end of the road and she is struggling to end things, it is just the new baby that makes me suspect it is not that, and that time and work will overcome it but she just wont work and last night when i said maybe it stemmed from having a baby, leading to lack of libido, leading to lack of desire, leading to suppressed feelings and emotional detachment, she just said that i may be trying to diagnose things that aren’t right.I am getting really tired and frustrated of it all and think perhaps i should accept it has finished. My mum has been observing a lot and says that she thinks she is just struggling but is devoted to me and mum thinks it is plain to see she is still very much still in love.Maybe I am trying too hard and pushing her away. Perhaps I need to do less and just give it all time. Last night I asked, “will we work together to get through, I just want to know are this are we in this together?”She said, “I think so”I said, “Good that is all I needed to know”She said, “I didn’t say yes!”I said, “I thought you did, obviously I got in wrong and we aren’t then cos there is only so much a man can take before he says no more.”She said, “I didn’t say no either, I said I THINK so”Then in a little more conversation she said, “I am just very tired, very confused”I said, “But which way are you leaning?”She said, “I don’t know, if I know that, then I wouldn’t be confused.”What should I do, should I stop asking, talking etc, and just live for the now, and by backing off a little, will it make things pick up and improve? If it is baby and hormone connected, and tiredness from the baby, that will obviously all improve with time. If I am a great partner in the meantime, then do you think that her feelings may come back to me or is it over and I am not accepting it. She has had chances to end it during our talks, but doesn’t. As a side note, thinking carefully, in the last two weeks, I have noticed some very very minor improvements, maybe by a couple per cent. She seems to know when I have been pushed too far and will back track what she has said, and she didn’t do that before, and at night instead of sleeping on other side of bed, she wont cuddle up but will lie close, facing me and doing something simple like holding my hand.
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male
reader, badbrit +, writes (31 July 2006):
badbrit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSerene, I do not discount the possibility of what you are saying, but i do doubt it is the case. She knows i am committed, although in the past i have sometimes said i would like to get married, and other times said i would never do that again (i am divorced).But i do not think it is the cae right now, a i actually would love to marry her now, this has made me realise that i do love her enough. But i do not think she in "there" at the moment. Since i started this post, it has actually begun to improve, only marginally, but any improvement is good news. I am waiting for things to start to go back to normal or to feel that we are getting there, then i actually intend to propose!!I shall think about what you said though, thanks
A
female
reader, Serene Katy +, writes (30 July 2006):
 Hi, you describe the woman in your life who has given you a child as your partner. Maybe therein lies the problem. Perhaps she is uncertain as you have not made the real, final gesture of commitment, i.e. marriage. There isn't anything definite/solid there really, is there? You can question her depression, her moods, behaviour etc., whether or not she is good enough, you are even questioning how long you can keep up this support, but she's still under probation.
Maybe she's holding back emotionally due to this. Maybe you are calling the shots on commitment and that doesn't bode well for total satisfaction if someone wants family life and all the, ahem 'trap'pings. Forgive me if my thoughts are erroneous and you have already popped that undoubtable question. She may have a partner, but she is still a single mother. Just a thought. She sounds frustrated with things the way they are no doubt. Sometimes it can show itself invertedly, like pushing you away, but a girl likes a bit of permanency and stability when she has started a family.
:) K
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A
male
reader, badbrit +, writes (20 July 2006):
badbrit is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontotally right kdlady and that is what i have been thinking and feeling. The only factor that makes this slightly not the same as a typical situation is the new baby. If not for that, she is out of order totally but a new abby can make your hormones rage, can make you tired, and incapable of thinking straight. Not every woman has this, some do. I am more looking for input from woman who have been through this after a baby, and want to know if i should follow your advice and treat it as a normal relationship problem and in that case tell her to buck up or goodbye, or if i should give allowances for the baby, new motherhood, hormones, hard labour, tiredness etc and just give it time.
I just want other mothers to tell me their stories so i can work out if it is faded love or if it is fixable as time progresses. Some new mother websites say that it can take up to a year for sex drive to come back, to recover hormones, to think straight, to feel and act normal.
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A
female
reader, kdlady +, writes (20 July 2006):
I feel for you. I can't imagine the frustration that you suffer. There is no written rule that says you must continue to lay as a door mat for someone that you love to continue to step on!!! You sound like you are doing all of the right things and she has no interest or desire to consider your feelings, physically, emotionally, or mentally. I think you need to back up a little and spend time doing for you. This kind of behavior when your heart is involved can make you lose your mind. You need to make her understand that you've had enough and give her ultimatums. If she continue this....you have no choice but to do this.....explain to her that you too need to be loved and desired and respected etc etc. AND YOU DO! Kissing butt is never the answer to anything and if it's simply that she has fallen out fo love with you and or isn't sure, advise her that she needs to find out -immediately if not sooner because you will have no other alternative than to make your own choices without her input and decide to move on. Continue to help her little less and little less until she has to make it on her own two feet-then move on. You can still see the child. But She is not your child, she is to be your partner and everyone deserves that love and repsect without begging!!!!
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A
male
reader, badbrit +, writes (20 July 2006):
badbrit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice, and all that you say i should do, i am doing. She is 31 and i do not think she feels having a baby is going to stop her doing things. We still go out and do things, and get babysitters, but it is an adjustment, and maybe she is not coping as well as i thought. She loves him hugely, almost like all her love has gone to him from me.
As for the post natal depression, it is possible, but she says she functions ok, and is not suffering any of the symptoms, only a problem with her feelings towards me. Although of course, she may not be being truthful, she may be finding it harder than she lets on, and to admit itmay make her feel should be viewed as weakness or failing.
I am just not sure, it APPEARS to be isolated towards her feelings to me. Will not let me touch her in anyway sexually but will cuddle etc. (dont think i am Mr try it on all the time)
I hope that it will all come back together. If she wont help herself - wont go councelling, acknowledge what the problem is etc, is my best bet to continue being supportive, loving, giving etc, but less suffocating, and let her be able to breathe and hope it slowly slots back together and she comes out of it?
It is just hurting me so much living through it, especially when i am giving so much and that is making me actually love her more, and if i end up giving all this, and then getting rejected in a few months time, it gonna hurt more. I feel i need to protect myself in some way to limit the emotional damage being done to myself, but how do i do that without her feeling i am not being there for her so much and then forcing us apart?
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A
male
reader, tonsta +, writes (20 July 2006):
after having a baby a girls emotions can be in the air, i am not a girl but my ex partner and me have had 2 children so i know how it can affect them. a girl stops and looks at her life and how the child will effect it , ie not going out so much having alot of extra work to do etc.. you need to be there for her dont push too far show her your in this too do your share and remember that post natal depression can form upto a year after. how old is she? if she is fairly young she might be worried about missing out on her life now. dont presuure her comfort her let her take the time to come to terms with her life now and im sure it will sort itself out. and also girls after having a baby do always feel good aboout themselves body wise too so compliment her make her feel special and wanted but dont try to suffercate her. hope this helps and good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2006): It really soiunds as if she is suffering from post natal depression. It can manifest itself in many guises, suggest you try and get a care worker to visit her. You do everything for her, and I think she has the right feelings for you but she sounds realy mixed up after having the baby. Try and get help for her perhaps you can suggest you both talk to a care worker together or GP, so she doesn't feel victimised.
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