A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have not had sex in 5 months. I am pregnant - 6 months pregnant. We have other children and have been married for six years. We have gone to counseling for our marriage because we do not have sex nearly as often as I would like. This has been a problem since about a year before we got married. Sometimes I wonder if my husband is gay. All I read about and hear about is how men need to have sex all the time. My husband can go for months without even touching me. I don't think he is cheating on me. He really doesn't have the time. He leaves for work and comes right home after every day. We get a long great and our marriage is perfect other than the sex thing. I have told him several times in the last few weeks how this is hurting me and he just doesn't seem to care. I thought about getting a divorce but then I don't know if that is the best idea either since we do get a long so great. I've thought about having an affair to take care of my sexual needs but then I know it is more than that for me. I don't know where to begin to even have an affair. Over the past 12 months we have had sex maybe 7 times. I went off the pill two years ago because I want a lot of kids and so does he but he doesn't want to have sex so I figured by chance eventually I would get pregnant. I was right. Now I am getting bigger and bigger and feel worse and worse. I am grumpy and snappy all the time and he knows why but he doesn't do anything. What should I do? Should we go back to counseling AGAIN for the third time in 5 years. Each time we go we go for a year and then he says it's ridiculous and we stop. Can a marriage survive when sex is so important to one persona nd so not important to the other?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): Assuming that there is no psychological problem, he really needs to have several of his hormones checked. To just find out if there is a hormonal problem, he needs to have a blood test to check for total testosterone, free testosterone and estradiol. If any of these are not in a good range then he will need to have several other hormones checked to find out what is causing the problem.
He also needs to recognize that just being in the normal range is not sufficient. The normal range is where something like 90% of men ages 20 to 80 are. The normal range is basically to tell him that he is still alive. Total testosterone and free testosterone should be in the upper half of the normal range for someone his age and estradiol should be near the lower end of the normal range. For men, estradiol is a killer of sexual drive and performance, even if testosterone is good.
Go to www.healthboards.com and read some of the posts in the men's health board. There are many discussions on hormonal problems in men and several men on the board who are knowledgeable on this problem and have suffered and delt with it for years.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): Dear Poster
I suggest he should have a complete medical examination; if there is no medical problem; it could be that he might have psychological problems that is effecting his libido and sexual desires; it could be that he has some deep rooted issues that he needs to have resolved.
You can also give him some supplements to enhance his libido; he can only but benefit from something like a zinc supplement; try and prepare meals containing omega 3 oils; oysters is also well known to enhance the sexual appetite.
I also suggest you try to calm down for your own sake as well as your unborn baby; during pregnancy the hormones do go a little "crazy" at times; don't make any decisions at this stage; just try and weather the storm; you have done it for so long, just hang on a little longer;
Maybe you should stop talking to him about sex and just keep yourself happy and satisfied; masturbation is not the same, but it is a better option then an affair at this stage; hopefully when he feels less pressured for sex he might start thinking about it and start wanting and needing it more often; meanwhile be very loving; give him lots of AFFECTION and ATTENTION.
I do suggest you should go back to counseling; even if you go without him; it will help you to deal with the situation and a great opportunity for you to do some stress release and some "venting" away from him and the home environment.
When you did go for counseling, what was the "verdict" and why is his response so negative towards counseling; did they "touch" a sensitive cord that he wants to avoid; is he hiding something?Could there be some unpleasant sexual experience from his past(maybe even childhood) that he is suppressing?
I understand that this must be very difficult for you and that you want the intimacy of sexual closeness; but for now, try and concentrate on being intimate on other levels and try and avoid the sexual part for a period of time; just "cool" it for a while.
Best wishes and do keep us posted.
Lots of hugs and keep SMILING.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): I appreciate some of the advice I have read here. I just have to clear up some stuff:My husband is extemely healthy. He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, jogs 5 nights a week. He went to his general practitioner about it and was told that medically he was fine.The reason why I married him even though our sex life fizzled the year before we got married is because I thought it was just nerves from the wedding. I just thought we both had a lot on our plates and we were both working alot so I just assumed that it was "normal" to have your sex life suffer while planning a huge event like that. I think I do tie too many things into sex but I still feel that having sex once every 4 or 5 months, at our age, is crazy! He is 30 and I am 32. I can appreciate the hormone comments considering I am pregnant but this goes on even when I am not pregnant. I do not put pressure on him to have sex with me. Last week was the first time I mentioned it since counseling ended back in April of 2008. I try very hard not to talk about it with him. It's embarrassing for me to have to ask him why won't he sleep with me. we went away to Mexico for five days and Texas for 5 days and did not have sex once - without the kids! Part of me feels like he knows I want it and he is purposely holding it back. He is not the main financial provider in our house - I am. So the theory that all he feels he is good for is money and sex is out the window. We are probably one of the only married couples that never argue about money at all. As far as him being too tired, I can appreciate that - believe me - with caring for two kids, working and taking care of a house - plus being pregnant - I am tired too. But I miss the closeness of sex between us. I feel like he has all this energy to work all day, come home, go jogging for 45 minutes, clean the dishes after dinner, hang out with the kids for 20 minutes before bedtime and then he watches tv for like an hour or longer. It's like he has energy to do everything except have sex with me. I am not sure if he had blood work done to check his testosterone levels. I know he did go to the practitioner but who knows what he told the doctor. He told me he asked about his sex drive but I really don't believe him. That's because I doubt a doctor would tell a 30 year old male that it is normal to not have any sex drive for months at a time. Maybe I am wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): If I can defend meself and the advice I have given...
Please dear wife, take on board everything these kind uncles have said to you. These are the correct things to think about before you place the ultimatum's I have suggested on the table. I did not pick up (like the uncles have) two important facts. One you have children and secondly, your husband works very hard. These of course are very important reasons why your sex life might be hard.
But his lack of sexual desire still worries me...
You've only been married for 6years, that is not very long to already be having sexual problems. It started a year before you got married. The question is, why the hell did you marry him without sorting this big issue out? You have already tried therapy many times, and for some reason it doesn't work for you. I had no better ideas, so therefore I could see nothing left for you to do. But luckily there are many people on this board, and the uncles have laid out the situation from a man's point of view, and suggested what else you might do.
You have been given great advice and ton's of suggestions to get your married life back on track. I would suggest you do nothing now, at least until the baby is born and your hormones have calmed down. Is it possible for you and your husband to find some way to go off together for a weekend, or a week.. Impossible, I know with young children. But I'm thinking about a little honeymoon to see if you can bring back the romance and spark the sex back up. Three or more kids in six years, that would put any marriage under strain. But as you said, this was going on before the marriage, so I am worried it might just be different sexual desires, and thus you might end up having to try one of the options that I have suggested.
Don't give up yet babes. As you said he is a good man, and probably a good father, and you love each other. This is a big problem and it's very hard to find a solution. But don't give up yet honey, follow the advice from the uncles and try to see it from your man's point of view..
PS: Pick up a copy of "Men are from mars, Women are from Venus" by Dr John Grey. It contains advice on communicating in relationships. Maybe it might have some advice on how to talk in a language that he understands, and what might be going on in his head...
Blessings and good wishes, to you and your family.
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reader, Morp  +, writes (1 October 2008):
 Hmmm, I like what the above mentioned. Simple way to put it is when you give birth to a child isnt it the most best thing for a women. Sex is important in every marriage and yes it is unless you are 60 years old and your husband is also the same . Are you still going to have sex . Ask yourself that.
You have a family , you have a husband , see how hard your husband works from night and day , he provides . Im 30 im a chef i work in the kitch like 16 hours non stop chopping and etc until i can feel all pain and tired thats how i earn money ,, so 1 day for example i have a wife , she nags cause she wants to have sex on the same day ,, you ever thought of 16 hours of tiredness and let the men just have a good night sleep . If i was in the mens shoes and sundays a break ill spend quality time 24 hours of sex. Dont be demanding be more understanding . If you say what other countries law is this and that ,, well are you living in that country ?? And also you mentioned you take a lover with a consent of your husband . Guess what will happen , you will hurt your husband , but he made you happy , but he will be so sad , then 1 day he will not love you like he used to and if you just want to say i want to go counselling and seek a divorce he will probably just give you that and he will leave you and go do his thing . Ever consdier what zodiac signs you both are .
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (1 October 2008):
 Society does tell us men want sex and women don't. Society is a bit stupid, women are the horny ones not men.
The proof? Which sex feels pain the first time, yet still does it? Which sex risks pregnancy each time, and still does it?
You can bet your ass if loosing your virginity hurt for men, men would be celebate. As for child birth, the human race would be death. Yet women put up with it all, often not even getting an orgasm because... well I don't know why, but the myth that men want sex more then women needs to die.
You have been marriage counceling before, what was the result of it? If you been going for a year and there has been no result, then why not? What did the counceling focus on?
There might be lots of reasons why he does not want sex as often as you. Have you two examined these? Did his libido change over time? How is his work load? General health? You don't mention anything about that.
For men, sex is slightly different then women. You got lube, men got... well viagra but that is on a recipe. Women can fake it, men can't. If he has troubles he might simply not want the embarresment of being unable to perform.
He might simply not be in the mood. Society also says that once a couple has kids, sex goes out of the window. Did that happen in your case? After all if you have several kids you must have had some sex. Maybe he has stopped seeing you as a woman and you become a mother?
Being grumpy is also hardly a turnon.
As for divorce, well, if you are that unhappy, but what is that going to solve. You are in your thirties and a mother of several kids. That doesn't exactly make you a hot property on the dating market. You might be able to get some sex but the type of one-night-stands and friends-with-benefits. From other posts on this forum, being a single mother is NOT exactly the best way to improve your sex life.
You say he doesn't care about how he makes you feel. This might be true and would a sign the marriage is over. But I also see nothing in your post examining how he feels. How does he see this relationship, what is going on in his life. What is causing him to act the way he acts.
Men are not just paychecks with a penis attached. Why is he behaving the way he is, there lies the answer to your problem. If the love is gone, then it is the end of the marriage, but there might be other reasons and something you can still fix. The problem might also be partially yours. A woman who speaks so easily about divorce and cheating doesn't exactly give men a warm fuzzy feeling inside.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): Sorry the anonymous reader made me laugh. Sex is a want not a need? OK, as I said different strokes for different folks. It's very hard to stay "happily" married if your sexual desires can't be satisfied. Yes it is your husbands body, but you can't spend the rest of your life without feeling sexy and wanted.. That's a life sentence for anyone. Yes people can stay married without sex, people have accidents and can no longer perform. But then it's easier to understand and there are things that you can still do together so that you are kept sexually satisfied.
Your problem is hard. Pashanoodle is perfectly right. You and your husband really need to sit down together. You need to find out how he views sex and love, and compare it with what you believe.
People can have different sex drives, and it sounds as if your husband's is really low. Don't nag, don't shout and don't argue, but you really need to have a heart to heart talk. It's your call babes. It's your marriage and it's your life, but in your situation I would put all options before him and I would be serious about working this problem out.
1) You leave him and get a divorce
2) You stay in this sexless marriage unhappy
3) You have regular dates for sex, or he finds alternative ways to give you sexual pleasure.
4) You take a lover with his consent and permission
Offer him these options and then seriously discuss what you are going to do about this sexless marriage. You are still a young woman, you can't be trapped like this for life. You've done talking, and personally I would advise that you know discuss these options and look for a solution using one of them. There is nothing wrong with you, and there is nothing wrong with your husband. You just have different sexual drives. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and it doesn't mean that he doesn't find you beautiful. It may be a simple case of you need more sex than he can deliver, and thus you should choose a solution that leaves you both happy, rather than having a marriage built on rejections, sadness and pain.
PS: As far as I know, in three major religions and under many legal codes, a lack of sex is very good grounds for divorce. So your not wrong and your not shallow, ms anonymous is crazy... Under law you have a right to a satisfying sex life and never be ashamed for the way you feel, there is nothing wrong with you.
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female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (1 October 2008):
 It sounds like you have alot going through your head right now - and being pregnant and probably 'overly emotional' all this 'stuff' would seem HUGE. Don;t get me wrong, I'm not downplaying your concerns - just acknowledging that you may be coping with things differently right now than you might when not pregnant.
Sex is an important part of any close relationship - but it means different things for different people. Have you ever explored what it means for you? I could be way off, but you are thinking of having affairs and contemplating divorce from a man it sounds like you care about alot...makes me wonder if you see sex and love as the same. Do you feel your husband doesn't love you if he doesn't want to have sex?
People's libido's are also very different - and can be effected by other factors such as age, stress levels, diet, medication, hormones etc. The 'stereotype' that all men want sex ALL the time is just that - a stereotype.
What does your husband tell you about why he doesn't feel like sex? Perhaps knowing how much you want it/expect from him has made him feel pressured and stressed about it - exacerbating the problem?
I don;t believe marriage is only about sexual compatibility - but it is obvious that it is an issue that is driving a wedge between the two of you - making the marriage suffer in general. For that reason I don't think counselling around this would be a waste of time.
You need to think of your unborn baby too - your high stress levels could be having an adverse affect on him/her.
If your husband isn;t keen to persue counselling again - try going yourself - to talk through the issues and your feelings/beliefs around sex etc.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): I totally disagree with the first response. Sex is a need, not a want. If it was just a want and we all acted like your husband then the human race would have long ago died out. Sex is a want and it is important for many reasons besides the actual act. Can a marriage survive without it when one person wants it... well that depends on whether you can live without.
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female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (1 October 2008):
 well, i know this much is true. the shoe being on the other foot, if it was ur husband complaining about lack of sex, well, i know plenty of married men who are budddies of my bf and they cheat secretively behind the wifes back, they have kids, some of their wives are pregnant or they just gave birth. in general, men are insensitive to womens problems. lack of patience is a main factor since they think with their dick and not logically. funny, they are so overrated when it comes to being called the logical sex and us women being the emotional wrecks, but, when it comes to getting pussy or a lack thereof, they cry and whine like bitches. in respect of ur question however, can a marriage survive? it all depends on reasons like why he is not having sex with u. and from there goes the downward spiral. its not like he ended up in a wheel chair. he is choosing not to sleep with u. for reasons unknown. is he watching porn obsessively thereby not need ing to really want u as his hand and his porn bitches may be all he need s to get his dopamine rush.?
the balls in ur court my dear not his. if u cant take this anymore then u need to either end it and walk away with amicable arrangements between u both, or u aggressively confront him and try to find out whats hos beef? is he gay?
find out what kind of porn if he watches any at all, what kind he watches. what signs he displays etc. but it may be unlikely. very well could be there are other issues at hand. hope u arew successful at finding pout whats his problem. its too bad for him. but u have options dear remember that one!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): I think that you are being very shallow. I know this sounds judgmental, but hear me out. To tell someone "You are hurting me, because you won't have sex with me, even though you don't want to." "You are hurting me, because you won't do with me what I want you to do." Sounds manipulative. And I'll tell you the same thing that I would tell a man-it's his/her body. I had a cousin who divorced a man cos he wouldn't give her enough sex. Sex isn't a NEED. It's a want. Oh he knows why I am grumpy, but he doesn't do anything about it. Oh, because you are hurting, and grumpy, and this and that, he should satisfy you to make you stop all of this? Manipulation. I admire the fact that he can be himself with you despite all of your tactics to try to get him into bed. Some people who have lower self-esteem would succumb to the pressure and then feel bad about not being true to themselves later on, like I've done before. If you have been to counseling already for three times, I doubt this is going to work unless you want to make it work.
I think that you tie too many things into sex. He still loves you, even if he is not having sex with you a lot.
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