A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Can a man have sex with a woman if he feels nothing for her or will he always have some sort of attraction? When men have affairs they tend to say its "just sex" - but surely it must be "just sex" with some sort of attraction?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): damluvaam...thanks for your honesty! It is greatly appreciated!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Replacement: thank you for validating my theory. I always love to hear the guy's perspective on it to see if I got it right or not. :-)
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (19 March 2009):
 From a guy's perspective, I think the bar pretzel theory is very accurate. Of course some guys never take the free pretzels cuz they just won't settle for anything less than filet mignon, but for a lot of guys, especially young ones... yeah we pretty much have sex with whoever we can, whenever we can. Whether the girl is good looking or not is pretty much irrelevant. Enough alcohol can make anyone tolerable, anyway. Take note girls; getting laid on a regular basis with a variety of men doesn't translate into being hot. Even if you are "hot", guys aren't having sex with you because you're hot, they are doing it because you're willing. I guarantee it.
It's a really bullshit attitude, probably a pretty unhealthy one, maybe even a sign of some emotional problems but... hell, it was my M.O. for most of my sex life until I became a one woman man. I'm not proud of it but it's definitely true for many men...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Hi... this is the "reader" with the pretzel theory.
From what I've gathered, looks have very little to do with whether a girl's a pretzel or filet mignon. It has more to do with how the guy perceives her, what his idea of attractiveness is and what he wants out of a woman. Like my guy friends tend to prefer big women (which makes sense, since I'm a plus size woman myself). For them, a skinny woman is a bar pretzel. Wouldn't matter if she looked like Halle Berry or Angeline Jolie, because its just not what they're attracted to.
Or maybe a guy finds a woman's personality a turn-off (too loud, too quiet, too religious... whatever), but she's offering him sex. Those guys will take the sex. Hell, he may even keep the girl around as a booty call even though he can't stand her, because he knows she'll give it up if he asks. She, of course, is thinking that he MUST like her, somewhere deep down, because he's always calling her for sex, when all she really is to him is reliable piece of tail. Nothing more, nothing less. A bar pretzel. They're free, they're there and you know as long as you're sitting at the bar you won't run out.
My point is that even though a woman can be all kinds of beautiful, she may still be a "pretzel" to a guy. Is he attracted? Eh... maybe. But it may also mean he's just horny and tired of using his hand. Who knows? One friend told me that guys tend to take sex whenever its offered, because they never know when the next offer for free sex will come along.
Did I think what he said was stupid? Yes. I mean, I'm no prude and I'm not saying you have to be in love to have sex or anything, but gee whiz, at least have standards, you know?
And we women have to not make "pretzels" out of ourselves either. If a guy is just not that into us, then we don't offer him sex. Sure, he'll take the sex, but it won't make him WANT us.
Ok, I just wrote a little book here. :-) I may publish it someday soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your bar pretzel theory! - it is very interesting and probably very true!
As to your theory about the "ugly girl" - what if the girl in question is quite good looking? - Would there still be no feelings then?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): I had a guy-friend... there was a friend of his who I knew of, albeit I never met her face to face. When he described her to me, you would've thought he was talking about the monster from the Black Lagoon mixed with the Blob. He told he this girl was hideously ugly, her body had zero shape to it... very cruel... And trust me, this guy didn't have to lie to me. We had already had our thing and it was done, and we were literally just friends.
In any case, through a casual conversation, he let it slip that he did indeed have sex with her. I was stunned, to say the least. After all of the things he said about her, how unattracted he was to her, I wondered (and asked him) how on Earth he could have sex with her.
Turns out (as I learned through him and other guy friends) that guys (note, I did not say "men"... and I'm not talking chronological years, but behavior-wise) can compartmentalize that kind of thing. Its so much so that I've given it a name... I call it my "Pretzel Theory-Filet Mignon Theory" which I told to other guy-friends of mine, who've completely agreed with it.
Here's how it goes: Ever been in a bar and there's a bowl of pretzels (or bar nuts, if you will) and you find yourself mindelessly eating them? You're not hungry, you don't have a craving for them, but you're eating them simply because, well, they're there and available and free and why not?
As opposed to a filet mignon. A filet mignon, you like... you're in the mood for it. You pay good money for it at a fine restaurant, and you want it cooked a specific way. Its not something you mindelessly pop in your mouth at a bar like those free pretzels, its something you go out of your way to get. You don't treat a filet mignon like you do those stale pretzels they put in bowls at bars.
Same thing applies: to guys, some women are pretzels (or bar nuts), some are filet mignon. They eat those cheap bar pretzels just because they're there. But the filet mignon women... they actually go out of their way for those. They spend good money. They romance them, and they propose to them.
My answer, then, to your question, is yes, a man can have sex with a woman and feel nothing, if he considers her a bar pretzel. He'll do her because she's there and free and breathing and if he has to, he'll turn off the lights so as to not look at her. But he'll settle down and actually have a relationship with a woman he considers filet mignon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): ........if your man who is having an affair tell you that it is "just sex" he is most definately lying. there will be that little somthing that makes them go back for more whether the cheater is male or female. and yes there will be attraction, albeit sexual attraction and not an emotional bond. that 'little something" is a relationship killer, they can't help themselves, it just happened etc etc. an affair is an affair, whether just for sex, or not. the question is how to put a stop to it. for some people it is the sheer thrill of just doing it. for others it is different. but know where there is smoke there is fire. he will go back for more!!! so the question is, what can you live with, him having just sex with someone that he claims he has no feelings for or him having sex and attracted to this person.
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A
male
reader, tux  +, writes (17 March 2009):
 Before everyone says that when it comes to sex, men only think of it as sex, is a huge misconception. Some men may feel like that but not all men.. Just as much as some women may do the same and have what amounts to "just sex".
Some people have sex to just have sex with no emotional bounds, although others have it with the emotional bounds.. It's dependent on where the person is during their life and who they are with or just how they are. So yes to some men.. sex is just sex and nothing more, just as much as it could be with some women. But that still doesn't justify any affairs...It's still cheating whether it's just sex or emotionally charged sex.
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A
male
reader, Replacement +, writes (17 March 2009):
Some men can. Some men can't. I have some male friends that are serial monogamists and can't sleep with girls until they know it's right, that they have real feelings for each other.
I used to sleep around with girls who weren't that attractive physically, had loads of one night stands, when I was in my late teens/ early twenties. I did it just because I could, and I thought it made me a big man, or whatever. But eventually I realized I was just repressing any emotional connection because I had some self-esteem issues. Once I got to know myself better and value myself more I started opening myself up to real relationships. I can't imagine having sex with a woman I had no feelings for anymore.
So I guess it just depends on the man and where he is in his life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): For men sex is sex. A man can even have sex with you and he's not attracted to you. It's all about that thing between your legs, that's all it is.He can have sex with you 100 times and not feel a damn thing for you.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (17 March 2009):
 every individual is different but as a rule sex is more emtional for women than men. the emotions complicate things and men can quite happily have sex and be detatched while women tend to feel close to the person if the sex is all that.
that said there are sensitive men and women who dont care about feelings. I have had sex with people that i had no real interest in or even fancied out of boredom. i enjoy it and thats it.
but a long term affair with anyone is bound to cause feelings
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (17 March 2009):
every individual is different but as a rule sex is more emtional for women than men. the emotions complicate things and men can quite happily have sex and be detatched while women tend to feel close to the person if the sex is all that.
that said there are sensitive men and women who dont care about feelings. I have had sex with people that i had no real interest in or even fancied out of boredom. i enjoy it and thats it.
but a long term affair with anyone is bound to cause feelings
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (17 March 2009):
 Men are diffrent from women when we have sex we usually have to feel something and see it as more then just an animal act, SOME men just have sex for the satisfaction and to soothe there ego's and natural urges
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): Physical attraction, usually yes. But mental/emotional attraction is optional.
Men are just wired differently than women. Their internal restrictions on choosing sexual partners are much looser compared to women on average. At least for a brief fling anyway. Men are less choosy in general for "just sex" and they do not feel the same bonding process with whom they do it with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): what is your situation, why are you asking this question?
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