A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Do you believe that a formerly emotionally abusive man can change for the better?A man who, at one time, raised his hand to his woman?Or do you think a tiger will never change his stripes?
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emotionally abusive Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010): I lived in a 7yr abusive
hell relationship. He
physicaly , emotionaly &
mentaly abused me. He
beat me so bad i almst
died. He went 2 prison for
3 yrs 4 that. He stil 2 ths
day is abusive. We are
ovr thank god! But no i
dnt believe sick abusive
men change.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): to the female anon re starting to fight back .. you were cumulatively provoked and kicked out at him .. my ex abused me and I ended up shouting at him and swearing but then I left him .. i am not at all an abusive person but after years of insults I fought back - the person that dishes out the abuse must at some point expect to get a dose of his own medicine back! sometimes just living with an abuser makes us lower our standards and end upa cting like them, which is another reason they are not good to be around!
to the poster, people can change their behaviours if they really want to but that is rare and it takes time - i think people adjust themselves but it is really hard for them to stop getting angry and if a man has actually hit a woman it's not a chance i would want to take, not at least until i had seen PROOF, conclusive proof that he had really genuinely totally changed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): I think they can change. I think every person has the capacity to change, if they are serious about doing so. But for someone who is abusive, it may take a lot more work.
I know a man who used to be extremely abusive, both emotionally and sometimes physically. Although he is still quite an aggressive person, he has calmed down quite a bit. He realised what he was doing and made an effort to improve.
I think an abusive person will always have that tendency. And I think anybody who knows an abusive person will have to be extremely careful around them, and not hesitate to walk away if their safety depends on it. But I do think that if they really want to, and are determined to learn and improve, then yes, they can change for the better. They have to WANT to change though. Hoping that they will change will not work. If they show no signs of changing their ways, no inclination to...walk away. Just my opinion anyway. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): So being that there are not confident reasons to believe the abuser can/will change, does it mean that I have abusive tendencies in me as well?
For two years, my boyfriend has emotionally and physically abused me. I was about six months ago that I started to fight back and if he hit me, I pushed him. If he accused me of cheating more than three times in five minutes, I would should and tell him he was a "f*cking a**hole".
...does that mean that I am also an abuser? :-(
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A
male
reader, Spear  +, writes (23 February 2010):
Its possible but highly unlikely.the abuse wil return its only a matter of time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): I think I agree with Spanner 28 .. sorry :( Abusive people have this strain inside themselves - it is part of who and what they are, for various reasons, possibly going back to their childhood. An abusive person would need a lot of counselling, psychotherapy & behaviour modification work in order to 'change' and even then they would be modifying themselves rather than changing because the behaviour is already so entrenched. Even if they realise they are wrong they may not always be able to act on that knowledge and therefore the leopard and his spots will always be kin unfortunately! I was in the same situation and of course I (stupidly/naively) hoped and hoped for years that he would change .. of course he had his lovely side .. but he didn't - if anything, the older her got, the worse he got! Very very rarely people are able to change, usually when they are young and weren't that bad in the first place but somewhere deep down inside them, there is still that risk of the 'real' them coming out .. Also, if a person is not genuinely sorry and doesn't want to change, that can be a sign of a very serious personality disorder. We are who are are .. we just modify and I wouldn't take a risk on a man who ever hit a woman! Your health mental and physical are important .. your happiness is important. My ex partner does have a new woman now but she is incredibly submissive as this is the only way he can sustain a relationship ie to have someone who won't 'provoke' him, which in his book is for the woman to be pretty much a silent doormat. She is strangely quiet and nervous .. he has mellowed a bit as he has got older but he is still bitter and unpleasant .. Why complicated your life by taking on a 'project'?? The fact that you are even asking this question means you have alarm bells ringing. If this guy hit or threatened a woman before, give him a miss! Best of luck. :)
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