A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Question:What should I do?My best friend is getting married on a Saturday next July. She's had it booked for 4 months. When my brother got engaged, I told them that particular Saturday was "off limits" if possible because my best friend's wedding was already set and I already agreed to be maid of honor.My brother only has 2 weeks off from work (a year) and despite my request, they've chosen the SAME Saturday. The only other day they could do it is the Friday of that weekend, but basically, my future sister in law doesn't want to - I was told she has her "heart set on" a Saturday wedding.So 1) was I out of line to ask them not to have their wedding then? 2) Is it wrong of me to be super pissed at her for not having the Friday wedding? 3) Whose wedding do I go to now? (they are in two different states)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): I really feel for you! I'm stuck in a sticky situation myself and was looking for some comfort in feedback from others (I just found out a really good friend is getting married the same day as me) so I'm glad to hear that most of your same wedding day issue is resolved now. Keep your chin up by reminding yourself how lucky you are to have such a great, supportive best friend and hopefully other supportive family as well and you get to go to both weddings now. It sounds like you have been sincerely communicating really well with everyone, which is the best you can do. Check in with your brother and give your sister in law to be some time to cool down. Some brides have a hard time when other people dictate when they should get married, so she's probably still a little sore with you. Speaking out of experience, it's been difficult to plan around people and our wedding date keeps changing to accomodate others which is quite frustrating (especially when you have to contact all your secured vendors and such). On the other hand, she might be a bridezilla in the making, so prepare for some extra needed patience being her bridesmaid.Best of luck to you and enjoy the weddings!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): In the mail??? Wow!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother update:
Future sister in law still has not spoken to me or answered my email. but sent me a "will you be my bridesmaid" card in the mail.
"old guy" - to answer your question - prior to this , I thought my future sister in law and I had a good relationship. We have a very close family, and she is at all family functions, birthdays, etc. I recently bought her a house warming present, etc. My entire family is shocked by her sudden inconsiderate behavior.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): That's great news, that you can be at both weddings.
You haven't said anything about your relationship to date with your brother's fiance. The fact that she hasn't deigned to reply to your voicemail and email suggests that there's an issue. That's for future reference, of course, but it might not hurt to probe your brother as to whether she feels amends need to be made. Not that you've done anything wrong -- just that she might be a high-maintenance s-i-l, and that sucking up sooner might save you pain later. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIMPORTANT UPDATE: My brother was able to change his work/vacation schedule and now the wedding is 2 weeks before my best friends. Whew!
The only thing that is still upsetting is that my future sister in law has not spoken to me at all through this entire thing!
When I first learned it might happened, I left her a crying voice mail saying "isn't there anything we can do? what do you think I should do?" No answer.
Then I wrote a long email three days later to both saying "I don't want to be the reason you won't have a "perfect" wedding. Do what you must; and I will try to attend other events surrounding your day but will be at my best friend's wedding".""Let's move forward, love you both"
NO RESPONSE...
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female
reader, Good Girl +, writes (16 October 2009):
 So glad to hear that things may work out! What a great friend! Yeah idk bout that guy. Must hav been having a bad day. I think you sound like a considerate person. I hope you get to have fun at both weddings! Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2009): Hi
Well, yes, that's what friends do and maybe that is why today we count more on friends than family. Hey, your sister-in-law might not be that accommodating, but, really, don't let that bother your relationship with your brother (or her). You know how crazy some women can be when it comes to weddings, I mean, this is true for every civilization. So give the lady a chance. And, now enjoy the weddings.
Also, HereAreMyTwoCents, great reply. Toss a coin! Wow!
Love :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses (except for the most recent male anonymous poster) I'm not quote sure why the hostile tone or how booking a vacation and missing both would solve anything.
Anyway, quick update. My best friend has been super cool - and is trying to reschedule her wedding so I can be there!! I am so touched. She also told me she'd understand if I go to my brothers wedding.
That act alone makes me 95 % certain the right answer is to stick with my best friends wedding. She is showing me 100 times more consideration than my brother/ future sister in law.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): "was I out of line to ask them not to have their wedding then?" Way out of line. It is not your wedding and therefore you have no say in it. How do you know you will be invited. Place anything like that on me and you would not be, Family or no. You go, if invited, to your brother's wedding, he is family and your friend should understand. If the friend does not, then they are not much of a friend. I would believe that this friend is as self centered as you are. Better ye, paln a vacation for when these weddign are and do both couples a favor, do not show up.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (14 October 2009):
 Ugh, how icky this situation is. I think you got great advice. I would say that your best friend probably has more of a reason to get you that day. After all, she arranged the day first and you committed to her first. So you're already engaged that day. Your brother knew that. But, do lots of talking/brainstorming with your family, with your friend and see if you guys can come up with a solution.
You're weren't wrong to ask her to avoid that day and you're not wrong in being kinda pissed that she is so set on the Saturday - but, it is their day and if they need it to be Saturday, fine. The consequence is, you won't be able to attend. When they told you it would be that Saturday, did they ask you to pull out of being the MOH for your friend?
Good luck, sweetness! This is a rough situation.
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female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (14 October 2009):
 Yes, ditto what clariss said. You are DEFINITELY in a tough spot. (I had something similar happen to me, I got married on the exact same day as my cousin. Luckily though we were in two different countries and knew ahead of time that we did not have the obligation to have to be at each other's wedding :) If I were you I would tell both of them, that you have been put in a tough spot, get a video camera, start filming, flip a coin, heads brothers wedding, tails best friends wedding, and email them both the results. And when I say this, I am dead serious, because you have really been put in a tough spot, and should not have to make a choice here. Also, honestly if the wedding is THAT far away, next JULY, couldn't one of them maybe find a way to change the date before then? Maybe if you do the coin flip film, it might give one of them incentive to do something about it :) Who knows... Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): Hi
You are in a tough spot. But, I think that you should stick to your prior commitment. But, then there are a multitude of other activities and rites related to a wedding. Participate in them and make your brother and his soon to be wife feel as though you are really happy for them.
Meanwhile, in addition to talking to your mom as Older Guy advises, I think that you should also talk to your Best Friend. As a maid of honor you must have a lot of duties and naturally, you have to balance on both sides
Do it at the earliest.
And, well, you have to also take into account that which one of them was more 'there' for you.
One is the best friend and the other family and they both love you, so, really, all you need to do is talk to both of them and i am sure that they will understand. But, you should manage your time and really, make a detailed schedule of what time to give to who etc.
Best of Luck
Love :)
BTW, give my love to the soon to be couples
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female
reader, Good Girl +, writes (14 October 2009):
Well to answer your first question, i dont believe that you were wrong to give your bro a heads up. Secondly i would be upset too, but would try not to be visibly so. You'll have your sister-in-law around for a long time after this. Number three..ummm..thats why id b so darn pissd! It's your Brother! It's your Best Friend! You are the maid of honor! If it were me my best friend would win hands down. We are closer than any family i have.That's me though. Whoever you choose, make sure you spend some quality time with the other soon after to smooth any ruffled feathers (especially a new sister in law who seems to be rather inconsiderate when her heart is set in a certain direction). Idk if this helps but I hope you do have fun at whichever wedding you decide to go to and not spend the whole time dwelling on weather or not you made the right decision. Let both parties know that you are agonizing over the decision before you announce it, then drop it. Mazel tov!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): 1) No, you weren't out of line.
2) Yes, it's wrong to be super pissed off. It's her special day too. Yes, it would have been more considerate to have chosen a different time, but you don't know all the other factors they had to consider.
3) I'd be inclined to stick with your prior commitment to your friend -- backing out as maid of honour is a big deal. You'll have to consider how she'll feel, whether there is someone else who would be almost as appropriate as you to fill the role. But it depends too on how your family will react. He's going to be your brother forever, and if your not attending will doom your relationship with them, that's something you have to take into account. Why not take your mother out for lunch and discuss it with her?
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