A
male
age
51-59,
*ongbow39
writes:Apologize for the length of this...Currently I am on deployment and won't be home for about 6 months. I met my ex girlfriend about 2 years and a few months ago. When I first started dating her I wanted to take things slow. I had been in another relationship after my ex wife and wanted to make sure I was with the right person. My heart was definitely closely guarded. At first, I wasn't sure where my ex girlfriend and I were going. She lived in Baltimore and I in Denver. I also told her any relationship I got involved in, I wanted to go slow. After a couple of months of long distance of seeing each other maybe once or twice during those months, she lost her job. I had some connections so I asked some people about hiring her. She took a job in a city that was about an hour away. She decided to live close to me though, which made me nervous since I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. We basically started living together over the next year and a half. We had a wonderful time. We did everything together and we were best friends. We were not regular drinkers but during this period, we got into 3 or 4 arguments and those normally involved alcohol. Honestly, she went bonkers those 3 or 4 times (she admitted it). She would just fly into a rage and go crazy. I had no idea what was wrong. It seriously bothered me and caused me to be setback on how I felt each time. I would normally tell her I couldn't handle this but I would forgive her and she would beg me to stay with her. Of course I did because I believe in chances and believe that people can change. It did happen again on New Year's Eve 2011-2012. Again, she apologized and said it was because she just needed love from me. The only problem was this started about a month into our relationship and it was hard for me to believe that was the issue. She also flew off against another couple's wife once when we were all playing pool together so I suspected jealousy issues. Again, all I did was try to assuage her fears and I forgave her. We weren't the most emotional couple. I looked at her lovingly but was always scared to tell her because of those issues. I didn't want to over commit. But I did love her and I liked the pace we were at. We began to tell each other we loved each other more, but only a handful of times after a year and a half. We also texted it and emailed it quite a bit to each other. But I truly loved her. I still do. After a year and a half, I was getting ready to leave for my deployment. She moved closer to her job because the 2 hours on the road was tough on her and I would come down on the weekends. I would have gone more but my schedule was too busy. She also fostered THREE, yes THREE kids. An admirable and noble gesture but I was upset because I selfishly wanted this time to really secure our relationship and firmly entrench our plans together. To have some very romantic times and generally just enjoy each other. I actually broke up with her for a week. I was angry, more at myself at this point for waiting so long to really sit her down and tell her how I felt. Now I felt like I didn't have the opportunity. That argument was the only other argument we had in our relationship. Upon me leaving, she moved back to Baltimore as planned. When I got back I would move close to be her. She took some very personal mementos of mine. I actually jokingly stated that she couldn't leave me now that I gave her these things. She also took some very large, expensive items of mine like a 55" TV, treadmill, computer, etc. My unit went to TX to train for a month and during this time I began to push for us to be more affectionate to each other and talking more about the future. I had wanted these things but again, never felt like the timing was right. She got a little upset, asking why I had waited so long. I wanted to be sure. Everything seemed ok but she was upset by all this. I planned a cruise before we left with her and my two daughters. I asked her if she still wanted to go because again, was worrying about how she felt. She said all was ok and of course she wanted to go on the cruise. I took some leave and we took a cruise and went to Disney World and all had a great time. We I hit the ground on my deployment, things seemed ok but not great. Deployments are tough all around and I was basically hoping she would be more supportive but she seemed distant. Well one day she got mad about an email I wrote that seemed to indicate I wasn't coming to the DC area (which it was a perfectly innocous comment, I have put in all the paperwork to move to that area). She decided to break up with me. I begged her to stay with me but she said I was giving her too little too late. I told her I just needed the time, that I was completely in love with her and I had just needed time. I wrote her a letter, pouring out my heart to her...apologized for never stepping up and tell her I would spend the rest of my life proving that to her. I sent her flowers (yes, I did all those things you aren't supposed to do), called her, texted her. She got upset about the flowers and asked me to stop because it was upsetting her at work. That was for the last two weeks. I spoke to her on the phone two weeks ago and she told me again, too little too late and that she had to move on to find someone who could commit to her and communicate with her. I had no choice but to accept...she said this could all probably be fixed if I were home, but of course I am not. I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me. We hung up. I sent her an email asking her to give me back all my very personal stuff. I told her if she wants to let me go, then she needs to give my stuff back where we don't have to see each other anymore. I told her I would let her go. She said she would send some but not all...could get the rest when I get back. I even asked if a friend of mine (a woman, who she got jealous about when I asked) could come get my stuff. All I know is we had a fantastic relationship but something was bothering her (drunken rage fits) and I wanted to take things slowly. Apparently that didn't sit well with her but she NEVER mentioned it before. I had no indication till I started asking for more affection. I truly love this woman with all my heart. Right now, 13 days NC. Do I go no contact completely or just send her a quick Happy Birthday text (her bday is in a few days)? Why is she keeping my stuff? Sorry for the long story
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at work, best friend, broke up, ex girlfriend, ex-wife, flowers, jealous, long distance, move on, my ex, period, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 November 2012):
 I think she assumed the friend of your (the girl) who offered to pick up your stuff is your new GF, that YOU have moved on that fast. Properly why she freaked out. As you have pointed out in your initial post your ex-GF isn't exactly rational 24/7.
I wouldn't be surprised if she is holding on to you stuff til you get back, that way YOU will have to met her face to face. She may have ended the relationship, but she isn't over you.
Seems to me she had a lot of expectations from you, but she didn't tell you til she felt you had "failed" her. Which to me can mean that either she was looking for an excuse to break up or she just wasn't very good at communicating her needs/wants with you.
I'm sorry she didn't sent the stuff, but as much as that sucks to say, I think you have to chalk them up as a loss (at least til you get home) I would stop all contact with her.
A
male
reader, longbow39 +, writes (12 November 2012):
longbow39 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDV1, sorry you went through this...it is rough. Honeypie, thanks for the great response. I had a friend of mine, but again a female (I only know two people in that area and they are both women), that lives in the area. She offered to go pick up my stuff. My ex gf freaked out! The next thing I did was send her an email stating I accepted her decision to break up but I was heartbroken. With that said, I told her I needed to get my things. She told me over 2 weeks ago she would send me some things I needed here but I'd have to get the rest when I got back. I sent her a text and email yesterday asking if she in fact did send it because it should have been here by now. No answer. I am so perplexed. Again, would think if someone wants me out of their life they'd be more than happy to give me my things.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): Didn't think it was baggage...the drunk rage issues. It only happened 3 or 4 times but we weren't big drinkers. I thought I dealt w it on all those occasions but apparently not. Everyone I know in that city are all extremely attractive women. One of them recommended she go get it and I said sure. Not a good idea. She freaked out about that...jealous. I was like doesn't matter who it is, u broke up w me. So that didn't happen. I think insecurities are what made her break up w me but I am not even going to try and understand anymore. I don't want to get cops involved but I will
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 November 2012):
Since you are still so far from home, do you have someone who could stop by her house and pick up your stuff? I would send her an e-mail (not text) and figure out a day that is good for her and see if anyone you know can pick up your stuff. Once you get the stuff picked up, resume the NC.
I think she is holding on to it because she thinks that will keep you trying.
I know the distance doesn't help much, but if she can dump you over not being able to get orders to where she WANTS you to go she is being ridiculous. The military doesn't work like that. If it did I know quite a few posts that would be empty cause no one wants to go there lol .
I think she has a lot of issues you may not be aware of, some of it you may - like the drinking = rage - for me that usually means something in her past is coming back and reminding her of bad times.
You really need to focus on your job right now, I know that all this weights on your mind but being deployed means you life is in the hands of others, and theirs in the hands of yours. And accept that there isn't anything you can DO to fix what happen and certainly not from "over there".
Maybe in the future you should look for a girl with less baggage. (not to sound mean) but dealing with a partner with trucks full of baggage - emotional and otherwise can be a hard hard go.
Good luck and stay safe.
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A
male
reader, longbow39 +, writes (11 November 2012):
longbow39 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the replies. Seriously, just want my stuff back at this point. I can't just leave it though. I feel like she is holding it hostage for some reason though. I am not sure why should would do that when she broke up with me. Again, I didn't do anything wrong except, maybe in her mind, not love her fast enough? I don't know...so perplexing to me.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (11 November 2012):
 I just went through the same exact thing. Deployed, distant e-mails, ect... She got angry for no reason and decided to break it off. I said my peace in an e-mail, but still no response. All you can do is cut your losses, and hope that the giant crater gets better over time...
-- DV
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): I agree with you and I agree with both Jennie and bluewarrior, you did the right thing by cutting off all contact with your ex girlfriend. You gave her more than a 2ND chance, you were kind, loving and patient but she did not appreciate that. You had to take her outrages tantrums and she is telling you now too little, too late. You will have to let go of your personal items, it's not fair though but she won't give them back. Please don't even send her a text on her birthday, you would be disappointed if you don't get any reply and from what you've written about her, she won't even appreciate the thoughts, she will consider it a kind of being weak, remember when she got upset about the flowers !! Don't let her take advantage of you. Try to keep yourself busy to be able to go through this difficult time. Hang out with your buddies and with your kids. You are a nice guy. Remember what goes around comes around. Good luck and all the best. Thank you for your service.
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A
male
reader, longbow39 +, writes (11 November 2012):
longbow39 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is though, she broke up with me. The stuff she has of mine has sentimental value (things from my mom, my brother, who died, some things my daughters made me, plus the other big stuff).
I wasn't going to break up with her. Wanted to marry her actually. And she doesn't have the FOSTER kids anymore. Was just a temp thing...just to clarify.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 November 2012):
 You did the right thing breaking up. You had concerns about her drinking rages, not being affectionate enough, adding to the instability in your lives because of the moving. I don't think there needed to be a long drawn out talk about your feelings. I believed you had but she did not address your concerns and did not want to change. I don't think you are non committal. She saw that you would break up with her anyway so she broke up with you first and by making it your problem by saying you did too little too late. With three foster kids she should not be drinking at all. As for your TV, computer and treadmill is it possible for you to pay for the air mail and have them delivered to you? She is keeping your stuff because they are nice things to hold on to. I have broken up with people near birthdays and I don't wish them anything. I am not a big fan of birthdays and if no one wished me my life goes on.
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A
male
reader, bluewarrior911 +, writes (11 November 2012):
 If there is one thing I've learned about women is that...damn if you do and damn if you don't. They obviously do not think like us left brain rational thinking men, and I'm not saying this in a condescending way. It just is. If it was me, I would probably go with the "no contact" rule, not even a birthday text. We obviously can not force anyone to like or love us. As Men, we should never lose our self respect, even to a beautiful women. As for the "stuff", she probably feels that it is adequate compensation for the emotional distress she "feels" you caused her or "possession" is 9/10ths of the law. If it was me, I would cut my losses and move one. On a lighter note, thanks so much for your military service.
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