A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i wish i could just cancel xmas and my birthday (30th Dec) the past year has been so awful i dont feel like celebrating.last year we had a secret santa in my family, my uncle was buying for me and even though we all produced lists i didnt get what id asked for, i tried to be grateful. my grandpa was diagnosed with terminal cancer in the week leading up to my birthday and he died in may. after an minor arguement on xmas eve with my mum she ended up asking me why i bother coming home. i usually spend a couple of nights at my boyfriends each week. for my 21st my parents bought me a suitcase and my brother got me a coffee perculator. I dont really like coffee and i saw the suitcase as a hint to leave.i kept quiet for a while on in raking in guilt with the disappointment, i ended up in a argument and said how disappointed i was with the presents and how i felt they didnt even know me. mum claimed the suicase was because they got my brother one for his, however as i pointed he was going travelling so needed one. i however am spending a fortune on my studies in order to become a barrister so am unlikely to go anywhere in years. i just felt even more compared negatively to my brother and that they just didnt get me. the argument made me feel awful, i just felt so guilty that i may upset my parents and let them down. i wanted them to take it back as i didnt want them wasting their money on me.i lost my grandfather several months after, a became depressed after this and the only person could open up to was my boyfriend as i felt guilty for feeling this way. i thought i was getting better and went back to uni to complete my final year and things seemed to be ok. now the festive season is coming up and despite my objections secret santa occured in the family and the limit has been set which there is no way i can afford, my family didnt consider me as part of the discussions as i couldnt fund the £50 train fare to get home for it. i met up with my parents yesterday, we started talking about xmas and my birthday and mum and i were talking about what we wanted, she thought i would like some uggs. i really dont, i rarely wear my old ones so i have no idea why she thinks i want some new ones and i ended up snapping as said i didnt want anything quietly. after everything that happened last year it was all brought back up.ive been increasingly dreading this time of year again and now i just dont want it. i dont want to celebrate without my grandpa or celebrate it at all as i feel i dont deserve presents and guilty about receieving them. i cant stop crying today and just dont know what to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): I understand when the holidays are hard first off when I was nine my grandpa had a stroke on Christmas eve with the whole family there and I was the one who knew something was wrong. They wisked us kids away and we were never allowed to see him again. He died three days later but all the rest of the family was allowed to see him anf say goodbye. Me and my two older cousins were no. This crushed me because we were close and the year before I had lost my father suddenly as well. It took many years before the holidays were bearable.
Things happened and I moved the week I graduated over 3000 since then noone gives me gifts or even calls me. Literally I got two phone calls on my birthday and my mom doesn't even by me anything despite knowing I have no money at all. She only buys for my daughter. I usually get depressed when I remember but I've realized that noone does know me and though they could they just dony want to and I accept it. It sounss to me like your going to have to do the same. You shouldn't say anything negative about the gifts though. Just accept them graciously.
Hopefully you bf knows you and takes care of you this time.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 November 2012):
 OP I too was very close to both my grandfathers, maternal and paternal, and I still cant bear the loss even though its been many years since I lost them both. I have tears in my eyes even as I type this because I still cant believe that they are not with me. But does that mean that I deny myself nice things and celebrations because they are not there? Of course not. Because not only should life not stop for anyone, but because I know that my grandfathers are watching over me and they would always want me to be happy. Similarly, if you cry and feel bad and deny yourself the happiness which you deserve, your grandfather would not like it too, and do you want that to happen? He loved you unconditionally OP and he's always there for you and your happiness will be his peace. You will never forget him and he will always be there for you. That's why OP, you should always be happy and don't ever get these feelings of guilt into your head. You deserve to be happy, you deserve presents, you deserve the best of everything.
And as regards the presents, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Treat it as a formality which has to be fulfilled, accept whatever your mom gifts you gracefully and don't expect anything. Remember, you will be hurt if there are expectations involved. But if you go into this whole thing with zero expectations then you will have nothing to lose. Right?
Please don't cry, chin up, smile and thank God for all the wonderful things and people in your life who you are fortunate enough to have. That's something to be thankful about. If you cant afford the secret Santa present, just say so. Tell them not to include your name in the list, you can maybe instead contribute for something smaller for the entire family, like a bag of chocolates or some nice cakes or something. I'm sure everyone knows that the funds are rather tight with you at the moment and its unfair to expect you to contribute. But you should join in all the same with whatever little you can afford. Its your family after all and there shouldn't be any formalities with them.
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