A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi,So.. I was with my girlfriend for 3 years and her Dad died about 7 months or so before we broke up. She wasn't close to her dad and hadn't seen him in years. She called me up when it first happened and I told her I was sorry etc and told her if she needs anything to let me know but she told me she wasn't bothered about her dad dying she was just worried about her mum (her mum and dad were separated for years before this) and told me to stop apologising and stuff. I started off by asking how she was but she told me to stop asking her but then later on got mad at me for not checking how she was but then after checking on her in the morning and evening for a while she told me to stop because it made her sad and said I kept reminding her she's not ok. I went to see her not long after (we live in different cities) and initially everything was fine between us and we were getting on well. We met up as we were going to go out for some drinks with some friends and I gave her our anniversary present (this was the day before our anniversary) and she stated crying and said she thinks we should break up. I asked her why and she said that she feels bad that she can't be there for me but she can't even love herself at the moment. She said I couldn't have done anything more and that I was amazing etc. We both cried but ended up kissing. we cancelled our plans with friends and went out for dinner together and ended up kissing then too. After this we went out with friends quite a few times and always kissed when we left and said I love you a night and stuff. I told her that night that I thought she was the one I was going to marry and she said to me that she still thinks I am the one.Then a few weeks later I got a message from her saying she doesn't want any of the romantic stuff anymore (the kissing when leaving/I love you's etc because its not helping her get better but she still wants to be friends and be there for me etc).We've been talking everyday since all of this.What do you think I should do? I am so in love with this girl its crazy.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (3 September 2017):
 Regardless of how much she says that she loves you, You are friend Only. However long you want to hang around in limbo is entirely up to you. But while you are in The friend zone the relationship is not growing, the problems are not being solved, yo are not advancing towards your life goals, any you are alone. This is not free, every day that she drags this out costs you something. Does she love you enough to Do something about it, or is it just pretty words?
This is only your problem because you choose to accept this kind of behavior. The more you accept it, the more she will do it.
If you want to help her recover, give her a reason to get Doing. Let her see the natural consequences of her choices.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an bit of extra info on the situation but first I'd like to thank you guys who have tried to help me out it is much appreciated!
I was talking to a mutual friend of ours who my ex had spoken to about our break up and they told me that from what she said to them its nothing I've done wrong and she loves me so much but that she's "finding it hard to love herself and needs some time to think". She told him about the marriage comments too.
I was hanging out with another mutual friend and I told him about what the other friend had said and he told me she'd told him similar things about loving me etc.
I'm so bummed out about it and feeling a little depressed over it all.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 August 2017):
Steffy,
You are the one who couldn't stay through the bad times. You did everything in your power to push him away. He did what You told him to do.
Guys it is not a sign of strength to stay hanging on when she is telling you these kinds of things. It IS creepy stalker behavior.
FA
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A
female
reader, Steffy  +, writes (28 August 2017):
Be careful. If you love her like you say and you leave her she may never forgive you. My father is divorcing my mother and its very messy.It has effected me, and the way I view relationships more than I could have ever expected. My boyfriend promised to be there for me through it all. Said we were soul mates and that he wanted to marry me. He said he would be the glue to hold us together. He even asked my mum if he could marry me. Then I got emotional becasue of everything that was going on. I pushed him away. Said many times we should break and that we werent compatible.....then he broke up with me. I know I made it difficult for him, but I wished he had been more patient and understanding. I was getting Counselling.
Now he is gone, I would never, ever take him back. I wont have someone who cannot stay for the bad times. Up to you what you do. But thats my opinion.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 August 2017):
 Your ex sounds like she doesn't know what she wants herself. Despite not being close to her father, his death is bound to have affected her. It is seldom the case that the death of a parent doesn't affect the children in some way, regardless of how estranged they may have become. It often makes them question everything else in their lives and push people away because they are afraid of getting hurt.
It sounds like you have done everything in your powers to try to support and help your ex. It is now up to HER to get any help she feels she needs as there comes a point where friends/partners cannot help and professionals need to step in. She needs to decide whether she needs to speak to someone or, possibly, just have time on her own for a while to decide what it is she wants.
I don't think talking everyday is not helping either of you. It is not giving her the space she needs to sort out he head and it is just hurting you.
In your shoes I would say to her "You know I love you very much but I think you need space at the moment to decide what you want so I am going to step back and give you that space. We need to cut contact all together for a while so that we can both see how we feel. Let's agree not to make ANY contact for at least 6 months and see where we both are then."
I strongly agree with the saying that "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. If it doesn't, then it never was."
Sending hugs. You WILL get through this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 August 2017):
 I would advise you to cut off ALL communications so you BOTH can move on.
She DOES probably need some kind of therapy to deal with her issues but that is on her, not you.
She isn't in a good spot for either friendship or a relationship with you. Let her go.
And you? Time to move on.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (26 August 2017):
My very serious advice would be for you to wait until she is getting some results from the therapy (yes the therapy that she hasn't started yet)before you resume friendly relations with her.
That whole Friends deal is grasp at a straw for her (I'd like to keep you on the back burner until I decide what I want)and it is a very Raw deal for you.
Now you have it bad for this girl, and you need 6-9 months or strict no contact to heal enough that you could safely date anyone else. But, You do need to be working towards that goal, because you are only an inconvenient option to your ex.
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