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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: In regards to pornography and masturbation, my question is opposite of most others on this sight:I began this habit at the age of 13 and did not feel there was any problem with it. My opinion began to change at the age of 18 due to religious beliefs. I fought it for several years. I met my soon to be fiancé and really knew I needed to put an end to my habit. I finally succeeded.My girlfriend does not know about habt of the past. She finds pornography gross and takes a strong stance against masturbation. My main motivation for quitting was because I knew that I found the "one" and I definitely did not want to hurt her. I did it out of respect for her. So here is my question. Should I tell her?If I should tell her, any suggestions of how? I'm just so afraid of losing her or having her look at me differently.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2007): I'd like to add something my Mother read to me...for some it may be offensive in that they may not understand the nature of repentance and all things that support this necessary process weither you are a practising Christian or not...there is wisdom in these words.
"In abandoning sin one cannot merely wish for better conditions. He must make them. He may need to come to hate the spotted garments and loathe the sin. He umst be certain not only that he has abandoned the sin but that he has changed the situations surrounding the sin. He should avoid the places and conditions and circumstances where the sin occured, for these could most readily breed again. He must abandon the people with whom the sin was committed. He may not hate the persons involved but he must avoid them and everything associated with the sin. He must dispose of all letters, trinkets, and things which will remind him of the "old days" and the "old times". He must forget addresses, telephone numbers, people, places, and situations from the sinful past, and build a new life. He must eliminate anything which would stir the old memories." ~Taken from the Mircale of Forgiveness by Spencer W.Kimball, page 164.
Unfortunately that is how temptation works. You have seen and witnessed such images and with it, they can not have a hold over you mind and have you stir up memories which can lead to sinning again. This is a part of being mortal, human. It happens to us all.
That you choose to, time and again, push such thoughts out of your mind, and choose to not act on the urges and desire-is this not something to be proud of?
You need to forgive yourself as that is what you are struggling it seems thus the unfinished business or "guilt". Also, forgiveness needs to come from the proper sources and cannot be acheived by yourself, as you know.
The whole part of go, and sin no more, when Jesus spoke to the "adultress" is that she not do such acts no longer. So you are on the right track.
I wouldn't let others scoff you on this either as they don't have the knowledge or understanding that there are such individuals who know what self restraint means and who live it and practice it on a daily basis.
This is not for your Ex to forgive you for as she is not the proper authority to give you peace either.
Let things be and do as you have been doing.
Best Wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2007): If you feel you want to tell her, tell her!
If she is the "one" as you put it, you don't need to ask a ton of people who don't even know you or your fiancee what to do - do you? have some faith in your relationship and in her. Tell her, set your guilt free. And in the event she doesn't accept you for who you are (or were) well - she wasn't the "one" after all.
Other than that - you need to chill out. It's not like you've been murdering prostitutes in your past life, is it?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2007): I am the same anonymous person who wrote this. I wanted to try the site before I used it.
I have read through all the answers, thank you so much for your input! It really helps.
To explain the situation more clearly: We are both devoted Catholics. Neither of us believes in sex before marriage. I am not lying to my self either. I have seriously quit. I feel guilty because, like any man should, I get urges and the images of pornography in my head do not like to go away. Am I worried about my habit returning somewhere down the line? Yes, but I will fight my hardest against it. Plus, according to my beliefs, it is a mortal sin.
I guess my fear is because there are a few of my friends who know that I used to have a problem. On occasion they bring it up openly in public, which I find offensive. I am worried that one day it will get to her and she will be pissed because I never told her.
Once again thank you to everyone who answered, it is very useful. I am going to leave it in my past. Any suggestions as to what I should say if she ever catches word of this past issue?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2007): No way dont tell her...that wud be so stupid! You've broken the habit and its not like you've cheated on her with another girl! Its your past mistake (which is no big deal at all, in my opinion!) dont let it ruin your future. IMAGINE IF SHE DUMPS YOU!!!
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reader, DocSilverback  +, writes (13 January 2007):
 I feel that you just might be lying to yourself. You might not bring porn into the picture, but I feel the maturbation is still in effect or else you wouldn't feel the guilt you are having. Maturbation is pretty much 'life-long'....mate or no mate. I feel that when she will not be around, you will not trust your 'handy' hand to work the magic you have well experienced. You will fight the urge throughout your life. Idol hands...bring mischief? Nah, put 'em to use. I believe that is what you are battling now. If all women knew of their mates maturbating, they would tend to ask "What the heck is wrong with ME?" That type of scenerio. Whether or not you believe it is right or wrong, you are a man, these urges will come to you. Why fight the feeling? She dosn't need to know. Hell, she just might be so strong against it because she is feeling so guilty about spending so much time in the tub. She just might have a few secrets of her own. Good luck.
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reader, maxsteel86  +, writes (13 January 2007):
 If she's that strict on it, then telling her wouldn't actually be helpful. You've broken out of that habit for her (and for your own reasons). Well done. But now, just let it stay in the past
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reader, eddie  +, writes (13 January 2007):
 I generaly have a hard time with your beliefs and can not understand why you're feeling guilty about doing something that was natural. What would happen if you looked twice, or god forbid, three times a a beautiful woman on the bus? Would that be lust, sinful etc. Would you tell? Would you feel bad because you noticed her?
It sounds to me liek your selling your soul, self, identity for the ideals of another person. What is wrong about masturbation? Remeber, non flexible, strict, fundalmenalist people are not easy to get along with.
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reader, DeeDoc +, writes (13 January 2007):
 THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS: Hi there. Your past should remain as such....in your past. Your fiance' has no clue about what your past prefereces WAS. Why throw in a kink? In my opinion, that was who you were, not who you are now. If you felt compelled to change for her, why tell her now, for you will 'undo' what you set out to accomplish in the first place. I feel no need for her to know this. Good luck to the both of you.
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reader, shania +, writes (13 January 2007):
 What would be the point in telling her?...what would you gain out of it? So you started masturbating at 13...so what? and you looked at porn (what man hasn't at some point?) I think your making a too much bigger deal on it.You said you dont do it anymore because you have found the right one...ok.What i find a bit worrying is that your girlfriend thinks masturbation disgusting,if thats the case then how does she view sex as well? What happens if you do decided to masturbate again? You wont go to hell.Sorry if i sound quite blunt but masturbation and sex is the most natural thing in the world,porn well thats another issue...If you need to tell her then do so but i think you will be opening another can of worms.
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reader, checkin +, writes (13 January 2007):
Hi, my advice to you would be why would you tell her, what difference would it make, is it just to clear your concience. Most if not all young lads look at porn, its a perfectly normal thing, you didnt do anything wrong, young lads and women are just curious, they dont know any better. Thumbs up to you for maturing and not needing it anymore. I guess your curiosity is fulfilled.
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