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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Please help... I am 20 years old and I'm in this fantastic relationship. It's been 10 months... I have a rather "dirty" past, I wanted to have fun and did and he feels so threatened by my past that once every 2 or 3 months he brings it up. He says he can't get over it. (I was his absolute first love and first sexual experience). Now today, after a PERFECT day together yesterday, he's convinced that he wants to break up with him because I said "hi" to an ex. It was only an innocent "hi", what should I have done, turned away? It hurts me so much to see that my past is ruining my future and I hate myself more and more every day, every second of my life. He loves me very very much but my past sickens him...and I feel terrible, I'm not perfect but I'm faithful and I love him and I'm willing to do whatever it may take to keep him. I feel as though I have to work overtime in order for him to forgive and forget something that I actually didn't do.Please help...p.s. I won't appreciate answers such as "you should have told him before you got into the relationship". We were friends before and he knew EVERYTHING months before everything happened. I don't know why he can't just let it go :( Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (22 July 2010):
The problem is not with him anymore than it is with you. He is made a certain way. He is a man and because of his evolution he is susceptible to retroactive jealousy. It is not because he is less of a man, actually it is because he is one.
You cannot change your past. Conversely, he cannot change who he is. My best advice is to break up. In my experience, these things do not get better, they get worse. Let him go and find someone who has a past that he is more comfortable with, and you find someone who can accept yours.
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (22 July 2010):
 To male anon: he may not have a sexual past but he still has a past. Some of the stupidest things i've done that I don't like people knowing about have nothing to do with sex. That's what I meant.
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female
reader, romany  +, writes (22 July 2010):
 Wow, you are a very patient girl, I would have been patient with him, as you were the first time round, I would have pufffed up his ego, and probably apologised his feelings were hurt, but reminded him gently, that he knew all this before he laid down with you, but after that, I'd have blown my stack, how dare he!!!! he's actually made you think that your past has ruined your future, thats ludicrous!!! your past has made you the person he fell in love with, who he accepted.
He is the one feeling inadequate, probably realises you are out of his league and thinks your gonna leave him, but you can either keep pussy footing around him, and become what we call in England *brow beaten (*accepting and believing your all he thinks of you-until your a shadow of your former self) or you can take back your ballsy self and put him right, and dump him, Its his problem!!!
Maybe he'll see the error of his ways and GROW UP, then he'll come back, tail between legs, and apologise and you'll hear no more.
Good luck,
Big hug for you, You've dont nothing wrong. xx
Cor blimey, this has actually made me rant. You sound so great, and he is really not worthy....please dont think your to blame.
Romany xxx
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (22 July 2010):
 WOW!... lol yeah past bother some people so deeply,,, This guy probably will not be able to get over this wth out profesional help and even then he wont be able to get over this more then likely hes a weak minded individual... I suggest breaking up with him and adding him to your past he doesnt love you not truly if he cant except you completely bad past and all... You shouldnt have to lie or be ashamed about your past we all live and make choices we are all far from perfect ths guy isnt the one for you... if he cant exept you im sure you will be miserble with him if you stay with him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): Moo's Mum said "we all have pasts even him!"
Umm, no, he doesn't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): Insecurity.
Its something your boyfriend needs to deal with in his own time.
Someone's past makes them, them now. If you love them, you love their past.
Difficult one.
Your past, do you/did you have issues? Are you over them now?
Can't tell you what to do, other than suggest you help your boyfriend find positive ways, experiences to help him grow up. Go traveling abroad, for example?
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A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (22 July 2010):
 The problem as I see it is that it's more about him than you. He got into this relationship with you with eyes wide open - he knew EVERYTHING...as you say. I'll have to ask you to put the ball back in his court and ask him since he knew all this ahead of time why is he behaving this way now. If you don't get a straight answer - that will be your answer. You will spend the rest of your time in this relationship apologizing for nothing. Is that what you want?
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (22 July 2010):
This will sound harsh sorry. He's a bloody dork!! He knew what the story was and he's trying to make you pay for it now. I would be really angry with him if this were me. We all have pasts even him! I feel really cross that he's threatening to break up with you because you said Hi to an ex. That's absoutely ridiculous!!! I really feel for you doll because he is making you feel so bad and you have NOTHING to feel bad for!!! If you are strong enough for this my suggestion is to read him the riot act. Tell him YOU will break up with HIM if he doesn't sort our his ridiculous feelings of jealously and paranoia. Truly I actually think you can do better than this guy.
Chin up girl stand tall dig deep be strong you DONT deserve this!! I'm right behind you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 July 2010):
Retroactive jealousy, is the name for it. And what a total waste of time it is too.
The first thing you need to understand here is that IT IS NOT YOU. IT'S HIM. This is not about you. It's about his own insecurities. To be honest, this rather highlights your boyfriend in a bad way. He knew your past, yet he went out with you, had his way and is now moaning about it. Well, that's his problem, and you're best to leave him to deal with it.
Stop hating yourself and blaming yourself. Every time you do, he gets to say "I'm right". But he's not. You're the one who is right. You have a past, you've admitted it, you've accepted it, you were honest, you gave him fair warning before you got together, you've tried to make him feel better. You've done all the right things. He has done nothing.
Yet now, you're being made to feel guilty. Why? Because of him. You're being made to feel sick. Why? Because of him. You're being made to ask for forgiveness for something you don't need to be forgiven for. Why? Because of him.
Your boyfriend is the problem. Not you. You can do better. A lot better. He's dragging you down because he can't take it.
My advice? Dump him and do better than a guy who knows your past, goes out with you, has sex with you and then blames you for everything. Your boyfriend isn't good enough, and you owe him nothing after this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): 1.] Dont hate yourself
2.] Its not your fault if he knew about your past before you starting going out then he should be OK about it
3.] Ask yourself if you really love him
4.] If he really loves then he should be able to let it go
5.] You said that you were his 1st sexual experience, maybe hes just jealous because you've "been w/" more guys than he has girls
6.] Forget about your past
Hope you work everything out, Good Luck!
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