A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help, my life has just gone down the drain.my boyfriend and I have been together almost 7 years,living together for 6 and half., I am 24 his 29.we had a huge fight over the weekend, he has now started clearing out his stuff, I asked why, he said to make it easier to put stuff in his car if he wants to move.Basically we had a huge talk, most of it was him breaking things and yelling at me and calling me awful names.he says he needs space and wants freedom, he says I keep the leash too tight and need to learn to losen it up for him.He says he cant even make friends without me having a problem with it, this is not true, he has been trying to make female friends on dating websites and sometimes I ask him about some of the things he is doing on these sites, I didn't think it was Unreasonable for me to ask considering he is using a dating site to make friends with women.He has invited over lots of women to our house, all just friends and I have never had a problem with any of them, I have always been very polite and try to chat with them also.he says he wants to be able to check out girls when we are out and about together and he wants to be able to say wow she is cute without me getting cut about it.its like he is trying to make me feel bad,he even said,I wish you had of told me you didnt want children, this is news to me because I do want children, he has never even asked me if I wanted children or not ,he just made it up in his head that I didn't.He also accused me of being a sex addict, why? because I often flirt with him and suggest to him not to be shy if he wants anything, why do I flirt with him? because he has not touched me sexually in over 3 months, he even went 5 months without initiating anything at all.I am worried he is just going to walk out on us , I feel so hurt that he seems happy to just be able to end it all so he can go off and live this singles life.basically I have been almost begging him to stay and talk and work on these problems, but he seems to just keep going on about needing space.I am worried he is just going to walk out and leave me, I cant afford the house we live in or the bills.and I love and care for him so much, I feel so heart broken.I dont know what to do, I almost feel like just leaving because every time I am around him watching him clearing out his stuff I feel so hurt and heart broken. I dont know were to go or what to do.This is the man I want to marry and have a family with,I feel like I have ruined everything.I dont really have any family to turn to and I have no friends at all, I feel really alone.if anyone could maybe give advice to me on this situation or maybe share how they have delt with someone they have been with for a long time just walk out on them and what they did to move onBecause I dont know what to do.
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male
reader, Boombadaboom  +, writes (25 January 2010):
 First of all, your life has NOT gone down the drain
You are a beautiful young person that needs to evolve and tinker with herself a little.
Basschick's response is completely right.
A big problem is that you've been with him since you probably left school. You should really realise that there is an entire other world without him there because if he really wants anybody but you than he's not the guy you wanted in the first place.
Your boyfriend is wrong about most of those things he wants to be able to do. It crosses a line and only if you can trust him, some might be ok, but all those things together predict trouble ahead and ONLY trouble ahead, he's obviously heading for the wrong path and it might not be your fault, he just got into that road accidentally but it's no reason to stay with him.
If he really loves you, he will battle for you (figure of speech), he will do anything to stay with you and realise his mistake before it's too late but don't forgive him for calling you terrible names and throwing things and all that until he EARNS your forgiveness by a mile.
If he walks out on you then that means he's not strong enough to stay which means there will always be a weak point forever. His challenge will be now to overcome that point which is doubtful but very possible.
He needing space is definitely a bad sign. One, he is at least a 'little' honest about it. Two, he is definitely deeply attracted to different women apart from you and feels worried that he might actually cheat on you. Therefore he tries to end it before he actually reaches that point because it possibly scares the daylights in him that he might just actually do that to you, which concludes he does love you enough for not wanting to hurt you. That's a possibility; I don't say it's like that.
Like 'Basschick' said, you CAN afford a cheaper place and it will be worth it because you'll open up your world to plenty of new opportunities. He leaving isn't the end of the world, though it may seem so. The old saying 'plenty of fish in the sea' is definitely based on true facts.
You'll get over it and you'll get used to it eventually. Having your heart broken will leave a scar for life but it will be worth it compared to having your heart crushed hard.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about, you have loved and not backed down, that is incredibly noble to do. Your heart, even broken, will still be true and will therefore mend a lot easier if you choose to live on.
And in the end of all this, you'll have learned a great lesson, even though you shouldn't have, you did it anyway and it will give you strength in next relationships and you WILL be able to start a family and marry, just not maybe with him.
"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one."
And maybe to comfort you, I've been walked out on too. I may not have entirely done all this so easily but I wish I did because it would have been the best way for me I think. I did find love again and I did get my heart complete. Just a little scar is left and will never heal but I don't feel the pain anymore for 99.9 percent of the time. It was worth it to move on and I found out she moved on too and is quite happy too. Sometimes you have to part with someone to truly see what's going on.
If he clears out his stuff, let him and watch him do it but watch his face with each step and let him yell all he wants, just stand there and try not to scream and don’t back down because you are the one wanting to stay.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. But, maybe it would do both of you some good to have a day or two to yourselves. While you are apart, you can relax and take a minute to figure out if there is any validity to his arguments. If you truly do not believe you are being too controlling or restrictive, maybe he is just using it as an excuse to leave the relationship. If that's the case, the best thing for every one would be to let him leave. Do you really want him there if he doesn't want to be? I know you two have been together for awhile, and you have a house payment and bills to consider, but, you will just be miserable if you pretend this is all your fault, promise to change and beg him to stay. Don't you get the feeling it will just happen again? You sound like a smart sensitive girl who could start another relationship in no time! Good luck to you and hang in there!
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (25 January 2010):
 You have compromised yourself so much, you don't even realize what's really happening here. He's got you so wrapped around his finger, he's actually trying to make you think it's YOUR problem that he has issues with fidelity. He clearly has no plans to be faithful and you are allowing him to keep all his options open blaming the break up on you. Wake up dearie, he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. He wants to play around and luckily you spotted it BEFORE you got married. Let him go. You can move into a cheaper place. No woman should ever have to share her man with a bunch of other women parading around as so called friends, when clearly, he's cruising on dating sites looking for someone else.
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