A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 34yrs old woman and in a relationship with a 23yr old man. Yes, yes... I know. When we met, I look around 23 and he looks around 25...until of course we found out each other's real age a few dates after!I thought it could be a bit of fun but it somehow led to a relationship and we have now been together for 4yrs. We have had a pretty good relationship with the normal ups and downs like most couples. We have lived together both here and in other countries.However, I have now come to a stage where I am questioning if to carry on this relationship. He is going to be going abroad to study for a year - which is great. This is his dream so it is right to follow it. I think I am now becoming more aware of the age thing. He is obviously going to be abroad in a sunny place, partying with young ppl, being young, drunk and having fun. Those things do not particularly interest me to do every night as I have past that stage. Of course, it is still a stage he may be in for even another 10yrs.At the same time, I am now 34 and becoming aware of how time is now very much against me. I am not settled and I have perhaps a year or so where I can become stable and have a child. After that it will become difficult.So, I don't know what to do. He wants to wait the next year for each other. And financially, we cant afford regular visits as flights are very expensive. But I can't afford to sit around waiting for a year as time is so against me. Who knows, perhaps after a year he could have even met someone his own age. I suppose, realistically he still wont be in a position to settle down or offer me stability in a year's time. So I can miss my last chance to have a child. But saying that, London is a difficult place to meet a guy and settle down. I have lived here my whole life and of my friends in their 30s and 40s have been single for years. So, even if I break up with him now for all these age reasons, there is still a big risk that I will not meet even meet another guy who is ready to settle down and have kids etc.So it is a case of whether one bird in the hand is worth two in the bushes. Really dont know what to do and have no one to turn to.Should I break up with him and free myself to meet someone else who I may or may not meet?Or should I stay with him on the merits of him being a great guy and being there for me, loving me like no one else?Or should I be realistic about the whole year abroad/studying partying thing and move on now?Or perhaps I have already missed my chance to have a child altogether so there is no point thinking of it anymore?Thanks all
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female
reader, cardinal  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 To be honest, by your writing it sounds like you don't love this guy that much.
You have to figure out what you want more...being with him, or having children?
This guy doesn't sound very mature for kids. if you agree with me, and you don't love him, dump his ass.
if you really want to have a kid, does it matter who the father is? would be you consider going to a sperm donor? But PLEASE do not have a child if you yourself are not ready, and you only want to do it because you feel rushed and you wont be able to do it in the future.
and your age difference is very slight, so don't worry about that. there are other factors, much stronger that you have to think about.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): I agree with the other comments that splitting up may be the best course. Sit down and discuss all of this with him. You will resent him if you stay with him and you end up missing your chance to have children due to all of this, which happens to many women in your age range. Your fertility does decrease rapidly from 30-35. Everyone is different. Some women start to go into menopause at that age. Having a first baby at that age is more problematic. If you want that I work on finding someone in your age range who is ready for family. Sometimes the age difference can work, usually not, but it's not going with him from what you've told us.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (30 April 2014):
 At 34 you still should have a few years yet to have a baby. Obviously there is a limited amount of time but that should not let you rush into a baby with the wrong man. One bird in the hand is worth two in the bushes? Hmmm not really - this is a child's life we are talking about as well as your own. To be honest I think you and your BF are at two completely different stages in your life which is why im not keen on age gap relationships where one is under, say, 27. He wants and is entitled to do the whole student thing of party's, drinking, clubs, and so forth, yet you are at the age where you want security, commitment, and to settle down. It's a difficult question to answer in terms of what you should do as none of us can predict the future. He may come back after a year as a man ready to commit and start a family and spend his life with you, or he may move on and meet someone else. Sorry if that's a little blunt but let's be realistic. He will be away for a year having good times with new people his own age. He is at the stage of his life where he is still maturing and finding his feet as an adult. You are already at the stage of being mature and ready for new commitments. He may come back after a year as a different person again, as the reality of leaving behind his youth hits him hard and shapes him into someone you no longer relate too. While he is away for a year enjoying himself what are you going to be doing? Wasting 12 months worrying about what he is up to and with whom and realizing he is having fun and enjoyment while you get stress and agro. Having a child is a big commitment - it may be better not to have a child than to have one for all the wrong reasons as its not fair on the child. From the sounds of it your BF is still quite adolescent himself, as one would expect as he is still very young. BUT there's still time and London is huge...Millions of men out there in London, just because your friends are single doesn't mean you have to be!If you can get a younger guy to fall for you then im sure blokes your own age will too! I would move on and get out there and find someone special, someone on the same page as you.I think you need to question why this situation has happened. At 30 most people would see a 19 year old as a kid to be fair. You were a woman in your 30s and he was a lad in his teens. These things are fine for a short while but for 4 years I think maybe you should have considered your future before now. Sorry if I am a little blunt here but I want you to learn from this and move on properly. Engage with people your own age and i'm sure something great will come of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014): The sad thing about this is that, age gaps of 11 years would only work if you're both past the wanting children stage, unless the girl is younger, but it's still unlikely to last - even then - unless neither of you want children.Say he doesn't find someone else, would he truly be ready for a child or more at only 24? Financially, you'd be very strained, he's probably going to want a career start up first and he may not feel ready for the responsibilities when he's still so young. You could always adopt as a couple in a few years, or as a single parent if you choose to break up with him. Would you consider that?
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