A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Please can someone advise me, I have a problem with communication with my husband of 25 years. We had a dissagreement which was extremely minor and then he went off in a sulk to the pub to meet his friend. He did not return home that night and in the morning I drove to the next village where he had gone to drink and I found him asleep in his van parked outside his friends house. Obviously I was very angry because I had been worried all night and he had not replied to my text's or my calls to his mobile. He has not attempted to talk to me or explain why he stayed out the night or to apologize for not telling me that he would not be home that night. I don't know what to do ! this sullen behaviour and lack of communication has been ingrained in our marriage throughout. How do I deal with this? I feel like I'm living with a ten year old child not an adult.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Honeygirl, I am not sure if I can find a counseller because we live in Bulgaria now. There is no work in the uk at the moment anyway, so probably is the right decision to live here. I have seen a counsellor myself in the past but I must say she did not really help, I felt worse if anything and also it was not getting to the problems of my marriage. I know that my husband and I will make up as usual but the problem is that the problem will occur again as if we are on some kind of mad merry go round that i wish we could get off. Its strange but I don't actually know one female who is happily married!! I have met lots of new english friends here in Bulgaria and basically all the females have problems with their partners.. most of them are controlling and some are just miserable to live with .. moaning etc., I have one friend who lives here on her own with her young son of 3 years old, she is very happy living on her own, she planned her finances well, managed to sell her London apartment at the right time, three years ago and now lives a debt free life with no worries and she does not want or need a man. I think a lot of us here envy her. i really wonder if all man are just a pain in the butt.. I have a Bulgarian friend Lina whom I have confided in, and she made me laugh because she speaks english so well and said "all men are pricks".. God even in Bulgaria there's no hope!!
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (25 June 2009):
 I think that you should see a counsellor to help you to cope with what you are going through also to help you come to a decision as to what you are going to do with your life. 25years is a long time to be with a person and 25 years is also a long time to put up with what seems to me to be a form of emotional abuse.
He sounds like he has serious issues which need to be addressed however if he doesnt want to go to counselling, well then theres nothing you can do about that. But you can make arrangements to see a counsellor to help yourself.
Honeygirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Honeygirl, thankyou for your advise. i have suggested marriage guidance in the past but he says 'no way'. years ago when things were going wrong I suggested marriage guidance. He was living in his own world and would not even sit next to me on the counch, strangely he used to sit on the floor!! And I would have to ask him "why do you sit on the floor?" then he would not answer but just get up and sit uncomfortably by me. He has had a very strange childhood, his mum and dad were very strict to all four children. But instead of his mother giving discipline on the spot when the kids played up, she used to say "wait till your father gets in and I'll tell him then he will discipline you".. when the dad came home he would get a stick out and beat the kids for their' naughtiness'.. i think this is what I'm dealing with. I have not had the best of childhoods either although i think I have more insight to move on. My husband still can't handle any kind of anger or conflict, I am a pretty calm person,, but when he pushes all the buttons I'm a bit like a bomb and I explode because he has not listened to any of the reasoning previous to this. i.e. I often apologize just to keep the peace but he will continue to go on and on and on like a broken record.. even though I am saying "I'm sorry I understand what you are saying.. reapeating what he has said so he knows I've heard,, but he continues then I explode and leave the room.. don't know what he gets from this?? to get him to come around I have to conjole him, he's just like a sulky kid. People that know us well my close family and friends don't know how or why I've put up with it but I am pretty stuck now, financially don't know how I could get out or live on my own..
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (24 June 2009):
Sweetie, it certainly sounds like he has issues opening up to you, and remaining silent for up to a month!! Wow!! Have you suggested marriage counselling? There is definitely a problem if he wont discuss what is wrong. Until he learns to express what he is feeling you will have to put up with his silences for the rest of your married life together. And I suspect since you have written in to Dear Cupid that this is begining to have quite an impact on your relationship.
I still strongly suggest marriage counselling to help open the channels of communication between the two of you.
Honeygirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thankyou you all so much for your answers, I appreciate all your responses. what I need to explain is we do normally communicate very well and are good friends. I find his behaviour very strange though as if he has more than one personality, he can become moody and controlling especially when he is the only breadwinner, which is how it is at the present. When I am also bringing in the money are situation is more balanced and under control. I do not treat him like a 10 year old at all , he acts like a child even sometimes when he is in a good mood, for instance if he has an icecream he calls it an isqueam and dangles his legs swaying them whilst sat on the stool eating it... I then say to him "do you realize that you look like a child when you do that?". We have an amazing sex life which really does hold us together I think. Anyway going back to the main communicating problem is when a problem or dissagreement occurs, he stone walls me and refuses to talk about the issue again, for instance I would say "tell me what is bothering you? Have I upset you in some way?" to which he would reply "nothing". Sometimes these silences have continued for a month
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thankyou you all so much for your answers, I appreciate all your responses. what I need to explain is we do normally communicate very well and are good friends. I find his behaviour very strange though as if he has more than one personality, he can become moody and controlling especially when he is the only breadwinner, which is how it is at the present. When I am also bringing in the money are situation is more balanced and under control. I do not treat him like a 10 year old at all , he acts like a child even sometimes when he is in a good mood, for instance if he has an icecream he calls it an isqueam and dangles his legs swaying them whilst sat on the stool eating it... I then say to him "do you realize that you look like a child when you do that?". We have an amazing sex life which really does hold us together I think. Anyway going back to the main communicating problem is when a problem or dissagreement occurs, he stone walls me and refuses to talk about the issue again, for instance I would say "tell me what is bothering you? Have I upset you in some way?" to which he would reply "nothing". Sometimes these silences have continued for a month
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (23 June 2009):
You mention that " this sullen behaviour and lack of communication has been ingrained in our marriage throughout". 25 years later you are now asking for some guidance. I strongly suggest that since it appears that you cannot communicate with him and he cannot communicate with you that you use the services of a marriage counsellor. When you have an argument, does he fight back or do you do all the fighting? Are old issues brought up every time you argue? How is your sex life?? How do you treat your husband? Or do you treat him like a 10 year old? I am not pointing blame at you I need more information about how you communicate with him and how you treat him everyday. This most recent argument - what was it about??On the other side he was obviously coherent enough not to drive home after the pub and also not to be in someone else's bed.Honeygirl
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (23 June 2009):
 There seem to be two issues 1 the way you both interact and 2 the incident you describe.
From what you said it seems like the way you both interact is still the same as it usually is its that a bigger issue than usual has highlighted the disfunctional way you both communicate (or don't). Its difficult giving advice if we don't know how you both communicate with each other in the first place.
However as far as the incident is concerned it is good to see that he was sleeping in his car and not in someones bed or driving home late at night drunk. Being drunk he of course couldn't or didn't want to talk or answer your texts (being drunk can do that). So his fidelity is not in question and he is safe...all good news.
The reason why he won't talk reflects more about how you both communcate and that's the real issue. I will leave that to another writer to explore that part of your concern.
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