A
female
age
36-40,
*zr
writes:My boyfriend of 6.5 yrs told me today that he slept with a German waitress while working on a ship where he spent around 6 months.I am so numb.Not sure what to say to him.We met 6.5 yrs ago and got attracted to each other though he is 9 yrs older than me.In a few weeks he told me that he was in love with me and wanted to spend his life with me.He wanted to settle down in a quiet,peaceful place like Switzerland or New Zealand and wanted to take me with him.I love being with him.I can be myself.I can do/say things that I feel.I am happy and smiling all the time when with him.We had small fights too but nothing serious.We would make up soon.We grew closer and closer.Then decided to get married after I finish my studies.It was a relationship when you know and feel everything is just right and things only get better as days go by...with a few fights sometimes.Financially,things were not so good for last 3 yrs.He lost his job due to recession.His company closed down.He had a high paying job with a great lifestyle.But he had to do jobs for which he was over-qualified.It wasn't easy.People were calling him for unpaid credit card bills,bank loans.He even told me that if I wanted to leave him,he would understand.He had suicidal thoughts too.I am studying so I couldn't help him much.We used my savings too but it was not enough.Things were difficult most of the times but we were happy to be together.He was over worked,unappreciated at work while he tried to make ends meet.He was looking for better paying jobs.Then he had to take a job with some UK company.He was away for almost 8 months in UK,of which he spent 6 months on a ship.He never called/ texted me or wrote to me all this time.I was worried sick thinking about all the dreadful things.He didn't even call his mom.He was back after 8 months and called me from his hotel room when he was back.Honestly I didn't know what to make of it.He never gave any satisfactory explanation for no communication for 8 months. But I missed him so much and actually his absence made me realize how much I love him.May be its stupid..I was just glad that he was back home safe.Those 8 months were one of the most difficult periods of my life.Since then 3 months have passed and my life is back to normal.Rather it's happier since we avoid fighting and take care of each other better.Today,while talking on phone,we were talking about sex. I just asked him(just to tease him) if he slept with someone else while working on the ship?Here's what he told me on phone-(sorry if I am over sharing but I want to know if I am reacting/thinking irrationally). He said-There was a German-Brazilian waitress who wanted to suck him.So she pulled his trousers down in a corridor and they ended up having sex.He said it was a one time thing.Nothing emotional.I asked him "why did you come back to me?"He told me that he loves me.I didn't say anything.Just remained silent.Just didn't know what to say.When I was about to cry I told him I would call him later.He sent me 3-4 texts telling me that it just happened.she initiated it.He couldn't resist when she pulled down his pants.It was nothing.Just happened once.Nothing emotional.(Honestly I feel he's scared I would break up with him so he is getting defensive.I don't blame the girl). I didn't reply.But when he asked me to say something.I wrote-don't know what to say.He called me after 1-2 hrs,I asked him why did he give up everything we shared for 6 yrs? He said the same thing again.I don't think he was emotionally involved or it was a relationship.He told me that he loves me.But he cheated and I am so lost.I didn't cry which is making it worse for me.I know he loves me though he did what he did.He still remembers our first kiss,our first night together.He makes me smile when I am down.Life is so happy just knowing that I have him in my life.We always thought we were going to share our lives together.Wanted to be with him when he gets a a nice job he deserves and things change for better.Till he tells me about this incident today.I would have never known if he hadn't told me.But I don't know what to do.Should I forget about this incident of cheating?Should I go away from him?I still love him.Will love him for all the wonderful things we shared for 6 yrs.But I am so hurt.Not angry.It's more than that.Really don't know what to say to him.I am sure it was just physical.Now he's scared I would break up so he's getting defensive.He is telling me how much he loves me and wants me.Actually,we were very happy together..may be happier than before.I feel so numb thinking about what he told me today.Feeling better as I am writing this.Can you guys help me.Should I forgive him?I still love him
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female
reader, dzr +, writes (8 February 2015):
dzr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie,
Thank you so much for your thoughts.Appreciate your response.
I broke up with him today.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 February 2015):
 Sorry, I would want to get my saving back that you spend on him and then dump him like a hot potato. Seriously.
You might never see that money though.
NO ONE leaves for 8 months and just drops contact. THAT is not a relationship. Heck, my husband spend over a YEAR in Afghanistan and I heard from him AT LEAST once a week and later a year in Iraq and the same. (though he didn't let me know he got air lifted to Germany, I found that out from his CO and gave hubby hell when he DID call - HE didn't WANT to worry me.) He's been gone for training and school and STILL managed to call the kids and I to say hi & goodnight.
YOUR "BF" is full of excuses. You want to be with him so bad you are swallowing his crap. He couldn't control himself because she pulled his pants down? Next he will tell you he stumbled and his dick JUST landed in her vagina, OOPS!
I'm sorry, he hasn't even EXPLAINED why he never "bothered" to call you .. or write you? NO one on the boat had a phone he could use? Or a computer he could use? BULL CRAP.
I would lose all trust and respect for this guy. And I wouldn't WASTE any more time on him.
If you want to forgive him, go for it. It's YOUR choice. But you really need to stop being naive about his treatment of you and have a SERIOUS conversation.
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A
female
reader, dzr +, writes (7 February 2015):
dzr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo male reader #2,
Thanks for your help.Appreciate it.
I guess I deserved it.For trusting a person like him.For being so foolish to let him back into my life.
Though I never believed his reason for absence..I never grilled him cuz I thought he already has so many financial troubles.That's just stupid and utterly foolish of me.
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A
female
reader, dzr +, writes (7 February 2015):
dzr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo male reader #1
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.I have been so lost and confused.Appreciate your response.
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A
female
reader, dzr +, writes (7 February 2015):
dzr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo female reader #1
We were very much together before he left.He said he loved me.He was even sorry that he had to go away.
He told me we would be in touch.He would call once he got a new phone number from UK.He took down my email id too.I sent him emails.
He were going to talk on phone.Send emails when calling wasn't possible.And he was coming back after his contract had completed.
Thank you.Appreciate your time and effort.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2015): I know you didn't break up officially but leaving you 8 months no contact is ridiculous, I can't believe you didn't move on and frankly I feel sorry for you in this situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2015): Do you realize that 8 DAYS of unexplained no-contact, after he just left the country, is a breakup in the eyes of many people?
If he suddenly cut you off for 8 months then he didn't have any right to complain if he had come home and found you married to another guy. Forget about the waitress and focus on what happened with that unexplained cut-off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2015): I just want to add one more thing. It seems like you are trying to find justification in what he did by bringing up that supposedly he did not call his own mother either. I don't buy it. His mother's loyalty is to him, not you. Especially when you have a grown man showing such an immense lack of character, I can guarantee you he has the type of mother that protects and defends all of his shortcomings. So, if they did talk, all he would've had to do is ask her to keep mum about it. And to protect her son's shitty behavior, that's probably exactly what she did.
Don't be naive. These people suck. I am sorry you are going through this but I hope you have the strength to see through this and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2015): I find the whole thing strange. If my boyfriend were leaving to go work abroad for 8 months, the first thing I would do is bring up fidelity and what our plans are regarding that. For the obvious reasons, that we are human and 8 months is a long time. If the plan is to be faithful during this time, then I would expect phone calls, being able to reach him at all times, and would even plan out periodic trips to visit each other during this period. So what exactly did you two discuss before he left? Based on the fact that he never once contacted you, not even to check in and see if you are alive, it would seem like he was under the impression that you two were not together. Was this an arbitrary decision he made, without you even knowing? I don't know the details but I take it you are implying that he was DEFINITELY your boyfriend when he left and you both discussed the distance and both agreed that you would stay in the relationship and be faithful to each other. This was discussed and agreed upon, right? If this is the case then you have bigger problems than just the cheating. If this is the case then you are dealing with a guy who, after 6 years, couldn't even break up with you to your face. He did it in the most undignified manner possible. He broke up with you by leaving and never calling you again. Not calling you was his way of breaking up with you. I don't know how he found any justification to do that to you, but he did. So in his mind, when he "cheated" on you, you two were broken up. In his mind alone. He probably thought that after the third month you hadn't heard from him, you would've taken the hint. THAT is why he didn't call you. That is why he can't give you a satisfactory reason for not calling. Because he didn't and still doesn't have the balls to tell you what he really had planned all along. That unbeknownst to you, without discussing it with you, he had broken up with you. And did so by not saying a word to you about it and instead falling off the face of the earth. What he did is horrible. And I do not see how he could find any justification for doing that. You were his girlfriend of 6 years. He should've discussed it with you. He should've forewarned you that this is what he wanted that way you weren't sitting around waiting for him while he was abroad being single (in his own mind) and doing as he pleased. No. You should absolutely not in any way, shape or form forgive him. What he did is so low. He doesn't deserve you. Stop idolizing this man who does not deserve it, and instead give him a taste of his own medicine. Stop answering his calls and move on. If and when he wants to come clean and admit what he did, admit how shitty it was to do to you, and apologize profusely, then and only then you could hear him out. But all in all you should cancel him out of your life and keep moving forward. He doesn't deserve any second chances.
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A
female
reader, dzr +, writes (6 February 2015):
dzr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Midnight Shadow,
Appreciate your time and effort to answer my question.It means a lot cuz I am so confused and numb.
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A
female
reader, dzr +, writes (6 February 2015):
dzr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anonymous,
We never broke up.He went away to work on a ship for 8 months and didn't stay in touch.
He came back after 8 months.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (6 February 2015):
 I wouldn't forgive him - main reason being that he said "he couldn't resist when she pulled down his pants" - I'm very sorry he treated you like that, but it's a laughable excuse that you'd be silly to accept, since it could happen again and he claims he's not in control of a girl comes onto him. Also, are you naive enough to believe this random German-Brazilian waitress sexually attacked him with no previous flirting or anything of a sexual nature? Honestly, I call BS. If no flirty conversation happened before she suddenly pounced on him, how did he know she was German-Brazilian and not just one or the other? That means there was chit chat and she obviously felt, from whatever he'd said/done, that there was mutual sexual chemistry worth acting on. On top of that, she ravaged him in the corridor, where she could have been seen and fired on the spot, all for a guy who hadn't given her any obvious reason to believe he'd accept her advances?He's right that it wasn't anything emotional for him, but does his story sound plausible to you when laid out and analysed in the way that I have above? Which means that there's a 99.99% chance he's lying to you about how one-sided it was.Like I said, I wouldn't forgive him because his story is fabricated to make him seem as innocent to you as possible and I couldn't trust him to even admit the truth about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2015): Wait. Hold On. This guy didn't contact you for 8 months? Doesn't sound like you were in a relationship during that time. Did you forget to mention something here? I don't think you would call that a relationship....sounds to me you guys were broken up.
If he slept with someone else whilst you were broken up....well what do you expect? 8 months is a long time. I would just assume that there would of been another woman during that time.
It's not ideal for you...we all want the fantasy that someone will abstain from any relationships are remain loyal during a break...but it rarely happens. I would say let it go and have realistic expectations. If you were apart for 8 months in an undefined relationship then he didnt do anything wrong. Sorry.
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