A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm unsure if I should leave my boyfriend of 6 years. We're very different people but it works. We have very similar values and I think that's why we've been together for so long.He's a lot more of a going out to clubs type than me, whereas my downtime is a lot more chilled, working out, seeing friends for dinners, etc. To me, it's not hugely attractive for a 35 year old to be doing that. I'm looking to settle down and this makes it feel like I'm still at university. Every time key parts of the year would come up, (his birthday, Christmas, new year) I'd always get the sense that he would rather go to a club night rather than do something with me. He would end up spending that time with me but he'd always lightly float the idea that he might go do that - and I wouldn't be joining (appreciate we're not joined at the hip at all, but do I do love spending time with him in key occasions and hate feeling like he's 'stuck' with me). This has been a bit of a recurring theme in our relationship that keeps me wondering if we're right for each other. Last year, his friend moved abroad and he would go out with him almost every weekend and come home at 5am. I said I didn't want this to keep happening because he'd spend the weekend going out, getting drunk and then spending the rest of the time hungover. He also didn't bother to message so I'd wake up in the night and worry if he's OK. Just basically acting like a single guy.I told him I didn't want this to keep happening and wanted a bit more respect. When his friend moved away he stopped going out as much. (this was about a year ago) A few months back, another one of his friends came to stay with us. My boyfriend was really quiet with me and when I asked what his plans was he didn't respond. I had a plan to go out with my pals early in the morning to go to a fitness class and I got woke up by doors slamming back and forth In the house at 6am. He had not once text me to tell me he was OK/alive - and I had no idea what was going on and was kept up by my boyfriend and his friend being loud for hours. I was so angry and then when I woke up in the morning, his friend had left the bathroom in such a mess. My home is such a safe space for me and I was pretty mortified. I asked my boyfriend to not be home when I got back when I left that morning and needed space. When I was young, my parents were addicts and used to come back home very early and cause havoc in the house. It's a real trigger for me and I didn't realise this until I spoke to my therapist about it when this happened. Me and my boyfriend spoke about it and at first his attitude was terrible - no accountability and accusing me of saying he can't go out with his friends (for reference, I always tell him to make more time with his friends as I see mine often and value having my close pals) We spoke about things and I said I was so close to breaking up with him. I got help speaking to my therapist as I wasn't coping very well being so upset..and we decided that if he does go out then he will make an effort to communicate and tell me what's happening so I don't worry. and that 5am is too late to be coming back to our house drunk.He has been amazing since then - and I think he really panicked thinking he'd lose me. But...I haven't felt the same about our relationship since. Part of me feels like I've just completely fallen out of love with him. I just feel distant, I want my own space so much more. I feel partly checked out. I don't want to be. What do I do?Please note - I hate the easy accusation that women try to keep their boyfriends all to themselves. I have a life of my own and lots of friends, so please do not judge here. This is me having some boundaries and wanting respect of my space and time. Any advice would be so appreciated.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 May 2023):
 For me, your whole post can be summed up by this: "I haven't felt the same about our relationship since. Part of me feels like I've just completely fallen out of love with him. I just feel distant, I want my own space so much more. I feel partly checked out."
It sounds like the damage has already been done and - for you, at least - there is no going back. Your boyfriend had enough warnings but it took the threat of you leaving to actually make him sit up and listen. Ask yourself, is this how you want to live? Are you content to need to resort to threats of breaking up to get him to actually appreciate what you are saying? From your post, I doubt it very much. You sound much more "together" than that.
I read/heard somewhere once: "if you can't imagine yourself married to this person for the rest of your life, don't waste any more of your precious time on them". If I had been in your shoes, he would have come home once at that time. After that, I would have moved on.
It's over for you. Finish with him, kindly but firmly, and move on. Past trauma or not, regularly staggering home drunk at 5am is no way for anyone in a relationship to behave. He's cleaned up his act now but, as the saying goes, "too little, too late". The damage has already been done.
Listen to your gut instinct and do what you feel is right for you. In my book, you deserve much better.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 May 2023):
 It's posts like yours which reminds me of the old Dear Cupid.... Well written and coming from someone sensible who needs genuine advice.
As I said, you sound like a very mature and sensible person who has her life pretty much figured out. You know what you want and more importantly, you know what you don't want. Your boyfriend unfortunately doesn't share the same maturity as you. He's fine with the partying and club scene but that's not really your thing ... And it would be tolerable if he knew how and where to draw the line. But he doesn't. And I can understand why this would be such a trigger for you, because as a child you've faced the same thing from your parents and are obviously still very hurt and its had a huge impact on you. It is understandable and perfectly reasonable that you would not want a repeat of this in your life. As you said, your home is your safe space and very rightly so. If you have a baby with this man-child, you will be putting your child through the exact same thing that you went through. So yes, all things considered, this would be a deal breaker for me.
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