A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Boyfriend's family makes me feel like a burden?I am cordially invited, but when I am there, I feel like I am in the way. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (7 August 2017):
Don't take their invitations. They only invite you just for not being rude. But they really don't care about you being there, as it seems. That's the way toxic parents work.
Only hang out with people that enjoy your company, otherwise, you are just wasting your time and energy.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (7 August 2017):
 OK, you have posted two separate posts. In this one you say you feel in the way when they invite you and a burden. In the other one you feel jealous that they invite your boyfriend's brother's girlfriend to things you are not included in.
Firstly, it is up to them who they invite. Secondly, if the brother's girlfriend has been around for a while, they are bound to include her in family stuff and it has nothing to do with you whether she is invited or not.
I suspect the problem is yours, not theirs. YOU feel like you are in the way. YOU are upset if you DON'T get invited to something, but feel a burden if you ARE. Your boyfriend's family really can't win, can they?
Do you try to fit in when you are invited along to something, or do you just sit there and expect to be entertained? How exactly are you made to feel a burden? Are you overly fussy/picky about what you will eat? You give minimal information in both your posts. Are you like that when you are with them, just sitting there and expecting everyone to do all the work? If they have food gatherings, do you offer to help with preparations/clearing up? They may very well refuse your offer but they will still be pleased you bothered to offer. Do you try to chat with family members while you are there? Do you tell them how much you have enjoyed being there and thank them for a lovely evening?
I'm sorry, with so little information, there are more questions than answers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2017): So what do you do or say to mingle and fit in? If you are cordially invited, they want you there.
Next-time, bring a delicious desert, wine, or flowers for the hosts. Make it your business to greet everyone warmly; even if you feel awkward about it. If you're not warm, they'll freeze you out.
If you sit waiting for someone to notice you; but you don't participate in conversation, you're a guest who wants to be left alone. Must they prod you for feedback for to join in?
I find it odd that your boyfriend is unaware that his family ignores you; and makes you feel excluded, while he's sitting right there with you.
How people react to you or ingratiate you into the family unit often depends on your outgoing-personality and willingness to be included. If you assert yourself, show friendliness, and eagerness to be included; they become endeared with you, and you get treated like one of the family.
People really don't like shy quiet people at parties and family-events, or celebrations. They just fade into the wallpaper. Unless they open-up and mingle.
In family-circles, their culture and traditions are important details you must acquaint yourself with. You slowly work your way in.
If you really want them to like you; befriend his mother. Ask her how to prepare a certain dish, compliment the food, the decor, or her dress. How she styled her hair. Always give her a smile, and a hug. If she avoids you. She doesn't like you. Period. If you don't extend warmth, that's why.
If you sit quietly, that is taken as snobbery; and they will treat you accordingly. You're expecting them to celebrate your appearance; when you make little or no effort. Plus, your boyfriend is oblivious they're not making you feel included.
Families who are traditional and tightly-knit take time to warm-up to outsiders. If they simply don't like you; then I guess your boyfriend should make you feel welcome at his family gatherings, if no one else does.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 August 2017):
 Who invites you and to what?
Over for a dinner? To family events?
It might be they invite you to be polite, not because they actually want you there :( which I guess kind of suck.
How does your Bf handle this? Does he notice? Does he help you feel more at ease?
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