A
female
age
30-35,
*ebble
writes:My boyfriends mum is driving me insane. I am pregnant and this is her first grandchild so I understand that she is super excited. But she's being so controlling, it's unreal.She treats my boyfriend like he is a child (he's 23), she speaks to us in a way that suggests she doesn't think we are capable of doing anything for ourselves. She works with disabled children and speaks to us in that same stern and patronising tone.She comes over uninvited and makes it obvious that she's checking for mess. She'll look behind the sofa or into corners. Or will comment on any unwashed plates in the kitchen.She calls my boyfriend every other day and if she can't get through, she'll come to me to pass on messages. Like I'm not busy myself. Something I find irritating because my own mum would never go through my boyfriend to get to me. She'd just wait until I was free to call her back.Since announcing that I'm pregnant, she comes round even more. When she's here, she'll take control of anything (in my own house grrrr) that might be going on. Everything we do is wrong and she's always got a better/faster/easier way of sorting things out.She also treats us like a charity. Any friends of hers that are throwing stuff out, she always brings it to us first. I'm grateful for the help but it's all the time and we only have so much space. We already have a bedroom full of baby stuff from God knows who that we're not going to need for another four months. And because of this my own mum feels pushed out, like she can't do anything to help us because it's already been done. I just want to scream that we're perfectly capable of doing it ourselves.She's recently got a Facebook page so she can keep up with us online and even posted my scan pictures online without asking me. We'd had a miscarriage scare - I was high risk, I was in hospital for two days, that's the only reason I had the scan in the first place. I didn't want people seeing them before we even knew whether our baby would survive.She's so controlling and it's only going to get worse when my baby arrives. I don't want to be told that what I'm doing for my child is wrong. And I certainly don't want her taking my baby out of my arms to do the job properly.(She took the vacuum off of me once to do it herself, is there a wrong way to vacuum?!) She already makes me feel like I cannot take care of my house.Where do I go from here? Thanks :)
View related questions:
disabled, facebook Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pebble +, writes (15 June 2009):
pebble is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks again for all the replies :)I've been with him for two and a half years. Lived together for five months. My boyfriend's brother has just left with the army so that has had a huge effect on how she's feeling, I'm sure. She does feel we are too young to be having children, me especially (I'm 19) and was the only person to suggest abortion. I understand where she is coming from, our baby wasn't planned but we are both so ready to take on this challenge and be the best parents we can.She's has admitted herself that she did absolutely everything for her boys as they were growing up and that she hopes I carry on looking after him as well as she did. It's so much pressure, like I'm not good enough. Or at least, not as good as her.*sigh* Time for a serious chat with the boyfriend I think.I appreciate the advice :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): He may take her side over yours, but you still need to let him know how you feel and that it really is bothering you this way you are staying open and honest. Still though, if this is making you feel bad put your foot down. As said earlier if he cares about you, the kid and all else he will handle the situation. Time for him to be a man and set the boundaries with his mother. If he does take her side, try to understand why and come to a middle ground. One poster stated that help is a nice thing with a new baby and this is soo true. She may come to be someone whose help you really value so don't burn a bridge. Also, when someone does something offensive to you like taking a vaccum straight out of your hands... Don't be afraid to take it right back and let them now you won't stand that type of treatment. You can be just as strong willed as her. There is nothing wrong with taking up for yourself tactfully.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): Anonymous has a point, although it could have been made more tactfully. For the record, I'm an atheist and a strong supporter of marriage. Just because a tradition is old does not mean it is "outdated"--though that's no argument in its favour either. Children do deserve a home where parents are committed to one another. The fact is marriages (and civil unions) are much more difficult to dissolve than relationships. And while there are many stupid and foolish marriages, the legal penalties make it more likely that a wedded couple is serious in its intentions. Furthermore, expense is a cop-out. Lavish weddings are not necessary. My wife and I had a simple service in front of a judge with only the two of us.
Your private life is your business. I mention all this only because it is possible your boyfriend's mother evaluates your relationship by those standards. Marriage used to be the norm in Britain, and it was very much a family affair. Only a generation ago, a pregnancy out of wedlock would have been a "situation"--and it would have been her job as the paternal grandmother to take care of you. She may instinctively assume that role without realising she's insulting you. My advice would be to have a calm, mature talk with both her and your boyfriend. It isn't wise to brief behind her back. This could turn a well-intentioned misunderstanding into a bitter feud. I do think you should be happy for support from his mother; in my own family, we never had that sort of help. Don't make the discussion too long or exhausting. You're pregnant, so take care of your health first and don't aggravate yourself unnecessarily. However, the sooner you have the talk, the sooner you can clear this mess up.
Congratulations on your baby.
Cheers,
Paul
...............................
A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (15 June 2009):
 Geez- anonymous poster's reply winds me up! If you're committed to each other, why would you need to sign a binding agreement to stop you from leaving each other?? Surely if you don't feel secure in a relationship without getting married then you shouldn't be getting married anyway?? If you think that's the only way to stop your partner leaving...?!
Don't get me wrong- by all means get married if you want to- wedding dresses are VERY pretty, after all! And, yes- its a lovely sentiment.
To Pebble- I wonder, would it help you to think forward to when your child is a little older and asks you, (Mommy, The Protector!) why you have to do things grandma's way instead of your's? Assuming that your child prefers the more modern way you hoover, imagine yourself protecting your child's best interest to grow up with modern views, simpler roles/ greater equality/ eduction etc- and a less stressed mum!
I know its hard to be direct with your partner's parents, but you focus the all-encompassing 'I would do anything to protect my child!' emotion, it might help to clear your mind as to what you need right now. You're pregnant, (and prone to be emotional if you ever need to back-track!) and you need looking after- and if you need space, then she should look after you by giving you space and time to relax. That does't need to be offensive- because its not. -You'd say the same to anyone who demended so much of your time and energy when you've got so much on. Maybe phrase this in so much as YOUR needs rather than her being too demanding/ intrusive.
Ideally, your boyfriend would deal with this without you having to get involved- because that puts you in an awkward situation. But, at the least perhaps you could ask him to act as a shield between you- answer the door, and let you nip upstairs for a 'nap' every other time that she comes round?
Also, maybe try to be at your mum's when she's likely to visit? Then your mum gets more of a look in too, and you get to reduce time spent with your partners mum whilst you see her!
Also- Congratulations! -you must be very excited!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): First, age does not convert to maturity. There is no such thing as "acting ones age". It's all about personal upbringing, environment, perception and emotional intelligence.
Second, marriage does not automatically mean couples are seriously committed to each other, but the concept of marriage is that couples are seriously committed to each other by default. Else they would be marrying each other for reasons outside of this concept, which then would make marriage redundant.
Marriage is an out-dated format that certifies two people being together. It is ancient and only meaningful superficially, even if it means something sentimentally. All people, regardless of their gender and religious affiliation can in fact be unionized through civil unions and recognized by the law that these two people are together. However, why do civil unions and marriage exist in today's modern day and age? Even without being married or unionized, couples can still be recognized by living together for a good portion of the time, especially if they have children together.
Alas, this sort of discussion would be more suitable for an actual forum, rather than hijacking a question.
-----
Pebble, sometimes parents with their own personality traits, may take a condescending approach to handling situations like yours. However, so far, you have only provided one side of the story. You have only told us about your perspective but you have not told us about hers and his.
It is possible that your boyfriend has expressed immaturity and acted on the lack of experience and logical reasoning. How long have you known him? Have you experienced much with him? Are you perceptive in his personality?
Further, it is possible that you have expressed yourself in a way that counters her belief of "getting things done and done right". It is also possible that she feels you two were having children 'too' early in your lives. It is also possible that she is over protective considering the circumstances that 1) this is her first grand child, 2) she has been influenced from her youth and wishes to support the baby in her own way, 3) from her perspective, you two are not experienced enough and wishes to take many things into her own hands and 4) excited about babies and may remind her of when she had your boyfriend.
There are many many possibilities.
How would you try to make her control less of your life? You can't per se. I imagined how I would try to ask my lover's mother less controlling of ours, if we had children. To do so, unless she was perceptively understanding, she may take it negatively if you and/or your boyfriend try to bring it up with her. It may hurt her feelings and possibly even segregate her from further contact with you two. This in turn may ferment in her heart for a long time.
When it comes down to it, it really means how you and/or your boyfriend talks to her and reacts to her. No one here can truly give you an accurate advice, unless you and/or your boyfriend is capable of perceiving another person's moods, body signs, reactions, words, feelings, etc.
In this case, compromise may be a key factor. As others have mentioned, remind your boyfriend of the stress you feel and have him relay that information to her in a way that allows some compromising.
...............................
A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (14 June 2009):
 Omg anon!!! Can't believe how old fashioned your response is!! People have babies before they are married all of the time for many reasons! Many people want to save the money they would spend on a ceremony and spend it on their child instead! Foolish views you have! I think you need to step into this century with us because you're living waaaaaay in the past! X
...............................
A
female
reader, pebble +, writes (14 June 2009):
pebble is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo marriage always mean that two people are seriously committed to each other? There are lots of posts on this site that will beg to differ. Maybe if you knew anything about my track record of responsibility then you would have the right to comment on something I did not ask for your opinion on. Welcome to the 21st century! Take your old fashioned/religious bullsh*t somewhere else.
Idiot.
But thanks everyone else for your advice, I do realise that I need to talk to him. The thing is, he doesn't seem to be as bothered by it as me. I get the feeling he almost likes her taking control, but I could be wrong. He'll do things that she asks straight away, but when I ask he'll put them off until I feel like I'm nagging him. She's pampered him from childhood, whereas for me and him it's been a hard slog to get to where we are and I don't want to cause conflict between the three of us because sadly, I fear he would take her side over mine.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): Perhaps she is treating you like children because you and your boyfriend insist on acting like children. Adults get married before having children. A child deserves to grow up in a secure home, where the parents are seriously committed to one another. If you had a track record of responsibility, you might have standing to complain, but not in your present situation. Grow up.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): Get your boyfriend to talk to her with you. He should know how you are feeling. You are pregnant and do not need the extra stress of her interferring. You seem really understanding, I wouldn't put up with it. This is your baby and not hers, you are an adult and can take responsibility for yourself. Tell her it in a gentle, subtle way, if this fails, be honest. She won't hate you, she probably doesn't realise she's doing it with good intentions at heart and all. If she causes a fuss, it's her loss, but I doubt she will and she'll take a back seat because she cares for you and her son and future baby. Don't worry but talk to her asap to sort it out.
...............................
A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (14 June 2009):
Have you spoken to your boyfriend? You need to see how he feels about this. If you both feel the same then sit down with her and talk about what is acceptable and what is not. X
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): Your boyfriend should talk with his mom. Have you told him how this all makes you feel and your future worries? I know you probably feel a little guilty for having these feelings, but don't its natural. She does need to back off, its just not your job to ask her to do so. This way it will be coming from the mouth of her son and you are not the bad guy. Also you don't want to come across as a rock in their relationship either so walk softly and handle the situationi delicately. If your boyfried cares for your feelings and values your relationship he will handle the situation.
...............................
|
