A
female
age
36-40,
*ndrea_c
writes:Here it goes.My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. His ex-girlfriend, who found out she had leukemia about a month before they broke up (about 2 years ago) passed away about 7 months ago. My boyfriend still talks about her, and often says he misses her, which I was fine with at first, but is now getting excessive. His facebook picture is still a picture of the two of them. When he knew she was on her last days 7 months ago, he didn't go see her at the hospital, which I was against, and encouraged him to see her. I feel as if it's taking a major toll on our relationship. I told him about a month ago that I was in love with him, and he said he was NOT in love with me. Now, I feel like I'm being strung along, just to serve as a distraction from his real feelings (guilt, sadness, etc.) he has for his deceased ex girlfriend. Ugh, there's so much more to this story, but I don't know what to do because I care and love this person so much but sometimes I feel like he's just not that into me.
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female
reader, andrea_c +, writes (12 October 2010):
andrea_c is verified as being by the original poster of the question And thank you, Auntie Snap, because your response made me cry but put things into perspective. He has not spoken to a grief counselor. The subject is beyond touchy with him, I've only brought it up maybe 2 times in the past 7 months to him. I agree that he didn't accept the fact that she was passing. The reason why they broke up almost a year before we started dating was because it was too much for both of them to handle. You're right.. I have put my own emotions and feelings aside because I dubbed them as less important than his, given the situation. I just feel a little cheated out of this whole situation.. I put in way more than I recieved, but at the same time, I'm walking away with more than what I had. Thank you so much for your words.
And TimmD, thank you too for your advice. I agree, there's no point in waiting around to see "if" he'll fall in love with me.
A
female
reader, andrea_c +, writes (12 October 2010):
andrea_c is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFunny how I wrote this a couple hours ago because for #1, he called me a few minutes ago and said that his ex girlfriend's mother wrote him a message on Facebook telling him she thinks it's time for him to take the picture down...
#2, he said he doesn't think he cares as much about me as I do about him. I, quite honestly, am thoroughly heart broken and have a sick feeling in my stomach, but at the same time know it's true. And last, probably THE least,
#3, said he needs a break, but that he still wants to see me. I said (while hiding the fact that I just bursted into tears) that may not be a good idea since it will only be a tease to know that I can't have him whenever I do see him, during this "break".
This website is my savior right now, sadly, because there's no one I can talk to about this without having a biased response or idea. I cannot imagine being without him but I guess I have to tell myself "tough shit" everytime I think of it. I, without a doubt, cannot catch a break when it comes to relationships. So much good karma is owed to me it's seriously unbearable at this point. And I'm starting to think that the timing of him calling me and saying all of that, and the fact that I posted my question a couple hours ago is no coincidence. Or I'm being paranoid.
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A
female
reader, AuntieSnap  +, writes (12 October 2010):
Hi Sweetheart,The death of someone close is always hard to deal with, but with someone so young it can feel like the end of the world. You did a wonderful and selfless thing by supporting him during these last days of her illness. I think by not visiting her in the hospital he could almost convince himself that her illness was'nt real as he could'nt accept it. He should not feel bad about this as he probably wanted to remember her in his own way. Seeing a loved one in the last stages of a terminal disease is very very hard to cope with and it stays with you forever. I don't think he is stringing you along, I think he is almost pathalogically scared to tell you just how he feels as his ex dying must have been so awful for him that he never wants to feel like that again so that is why he has adopted this clinically cold attitude towards you. Has he spoken to a grief councellor about this? There is still a long way to go and he really needs to offload this guilt that he is carrying. We all have our different ways of coping when a loved one dies and what works for one person does'nt neccessarily work for another. Sometimes it is easier to talk to a stranger. You have undertaken huge burden in the last seven months, you have set your own emotions aside, totally supported and been a strength for someone who has not always been pleasant or supportive of you but who clearly needs you. You are a truly amazing person and don't let anyone tell you any differently.I hope things work out for you both, let me know what happens.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (12 October 2010):
 Your initial thoughts and feelings are correct. While I wouldn't necessarily put it as "stringing you along" he definitely cannot commit to you. He still loves his ex and he misses her a lot. And I'm sorry to say, but if he still has a picture of her and him as his Facebook pic it means he is not your boyfriend. You two might be "dating" but he isn't your boyfriend.
He needs time to himself to not only mourn her death, but to be single again. You are the rebound girl which rarely ends well.... couple that with the fact that she died and that just compounds things.
I'm not a big fan of "taking a break" in a relationship, but in this case I think you two need to go your own separate ways for a while. Eventually, once he gets over her he may be able to give you the type of relationship you deserve. Otherwise, I don't see any reason to just wait to see "if" he can finally say he is in love with you.
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