A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of three years literally just lost his best friend to a drunk driving accident (it happened last night). He's not a complete mess over it (not crying or anything) but he's frustrated. Yes, they've been best friends for nearly a decade and a half but they haven't seen each other in six years; they were still a HUGE part of each other's lives. He was actually pre-selected to be the Best Man at our wedding when the time came. Basically, this situation sucks.I've been getting him talking about it (not prying or anything but just being there). But I'm afraid that after the shock of losing his best friend if he'll come to accept that he's gone forever... and then resort to something self-destructive like binge drinking or something. How do I avoid this potentially fatal future for my boyfriend?
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female
reader, racheljean10 +, writes (28 September 2010):
Oh my gosh hun, you just described what I'm going through EXACTLY. I'm tearing up right now-that's how exactly alike our situations are. The date, the event, the details, everything. It's only the first day, but I just feel so helpless and useless. He's gone through loss in the past-one of his uncles committed suicide when he was younger, and another of his close friends died in a vehicle accident as well not so long ago, but I wasn't with him then. I'm just having trouble knowing what to do and even what to say to him. I feel like he is being extremely distant-I've hardly talked to him at all and haven't seen him since the accident. I know exactly what you are going through, so hopefully you can find some comfort in knowing that you aren't alone. Your boyfriend's friend, as well as my boyfriend's, will be greatly missed. Time will heal these wounds, just stay strong.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 August 2010):
I'm sorry for your boyfriend's loss, which has clearly become your own as well.
People handle grief in many different ways, so it's impossible to tell you what your boyfriend will do. He may well go on a binge, but he may not.
A few years back, my friend lost both her parents. I knew them, an it did come as a shock, so I do know to an extent how you feel from a different angle. All I can say is that I was just there for her when she needed to cry, and I checked on her sometimes, but not too much. It worked, whilst it was very difficult for her, she has made a lot of progress.
Just be there for your boyfriend when he needs you. And he will, because the shock will hit at some point. Don't do too much. Just do as much as he needs you to. And understand that he may need time alone. Hopefully, you'll get through it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): I am really sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend's loss. Please see this tragic situation as a way to strengthen the bond that you have with your boyfriend/future husband (?).
Through experience of my own, the best thing you can offer him are your shoulders and ears. People handle grief in different ways, he may just want physical affection to sooth his grief or he may need to talk about all the highs and lows that he has with his friend. Don't be surprised if he wants to be left alone for a while, he will find you when he needs you.
I hope this helps and I am sorry for your loss.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (27 August 2010):
 I'm sorry that your boyfriend lost his friend. The only thing you can do is to just be there for him if he wants to talk or needs a shouder to cry on. It is really a shock to lose a friend when you both are so young, and the first time it happens is the most shocking. You finally realize that you are not invincible just because you are young, a bad things sometimes do happen to good people and none of us can totally control our lives. Those things are difficult to grapple with as well as the loss of the friend.
I wouldn't push him to talk, but just let him know how sorry you are for him and tell him you love him, give him a hug, and the rest is up to him.
It is concerning that you think he will self destruct with binge drinking, has that been his pattern before? Simply tell him that you think that is a terrible way to cope with painful feelings, that a person can't run from those, but it's best to just feel them and deal with them. Going to the funeral if he can will be a way for him to pay his respects to his family and to get some closure, although it is painful, it is a healing thing to do for those of us left behind.
Again, I am sorry for your loss and it is a terrible thing drunk drivers, I hate them with a passion....I hope the guy does jail time.
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