A
female
age
36-40,
*susual
writes:I started to tell the whole, long story. but it turned out to be about 20000 words.. so here is the short version:My boyfriend's best friend forced me to give him head. He was drunk, i was not that drunk. My boyfriend was sleeping on the couch next to where we were.I said no to him, and he insisted that 'i wanted to.'I ended up giving in, because i was afraid of going to my boyfriend, because i know he really likes his friend-- and i never wanted to be a girl to come between them.. i dont want to ruin their friendship. Not to mention, his best friend is a really nice guy! this whole act was completely out of character (or so i thought, i guess...)I also feel like.. i would get the short end.. it doesn't seem right to get forced to give head... he didn't have a gun to my head or anything.I'm not sure my boyfriend would even believe me, or if the friend would change his story(the next day i did get an apology via text message, but we agreed to never mention it)I know i didn't want to do it, that is no doubt in my mind.But, how is it possible that i ended up giving him head, when i didn't want to? Is that assault?Should i tell my boyfriend?I've been trying to forget.. but it's been bothering me. This happened on new years.I just feel like it's my fault. i could've been stronger, i could've run away, or yelled for help.What are your opinions?
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female
reader, asusual +, writes (3 April 2010):
asusual is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess when i diluted the story i ignored a major part.this whole incident began with him making me touch him.he was laying next to me, and grabbed my hand and put it on his penis.i pulled it away, and he just kept grabbing it and placing it where he wanted it.he was relentless.this went on for a good amount of time-- him grabbing my hand, me pulling away--- this all had some force too. i was pulling away as hard as i could.. and naturally he was stronger than me.he then sat up and began forcing my head down.. again i resistedbut i can only resist so much.i believe that, yes, i could've punched him, or bit him or yelled...but at the time, i couldn'ti was confused and scared, and i didn't want my boyfriend to know.i dont know why.but i was definitely verbally coerced as well as physically forced
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (3 April 2010):
 Many people are not aware about how it feels to be sexual assaulted or how different people react in situations of danger.
It's easy to say, people should shout, fight back, run away when they are in fear. However not everyone works this way. All human beings react to danger in different ways. The "fight or flight" reaction should kick in, but not always. In many, many people fear means that they fail to be able to do anything. It's hard to fight, (too scared), there thinking process slows down, they can't scream (to scared) and instead of running or fighting, they actually seize up in literal fear.
Ever heard the phrase "like a dear caught in the headlights"... Fear pumps chemicals into your body, sometimes adrenaline which allows you to move and fight, but sometimes you get "paralysed with fear" and are unable to do anything to protect yourself... many, many rape victims report the same thing, that's why million's of women all over the world are frightened to come forward.... "you didn't fight back, you didn't scream, so you must have enjoyed it"....
Blaming the victim lets the attacker/rapist/abuser go free to do this again to somebody else....
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 April 2010):
Coercion by definition involves force or intimidation....
Intimidation definition from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/intimidation
Etymology: Medieval Latin intimidatus, past participle of intimidare, from Latin in- + timidus timid
Date: 1646
To make timid or fearful; frighten; especially to compel or deter by or as if by threats (tried to intimidate a witness)
Synonyms
Intimidate, cow, bulldoze, bully, browbeat mean to frighten into submission. intimidate implies inducing fear or a sense of inferiority into another (intimidated by so many other bright freshmen). Cow implies reduction to a state where the spirit is broken or all courage is lost (not at all cowed by the odds against making it in show business). Bulldoze implies an intimidating or an overcoming of resistance usually by urgings, demands, or threats (bulldozed the city council into approving the plan) Bully implies intimidation through threats, insults, or aggressive behaviour (bullied into giving up their lunch money). Browbeat implies a cowing through arrogant, scornful, or contemptuous treatment (browbeat the witness into a contradiction)
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (3 April 2010):
 Now that is a whole other story (your update) to what was originally portrayed. Having your hand forced and your head shoved down is definately being abusive, and I am sorry you gave in to this.
I've had a guy do the exact same thing to me (when I was 17), ... but I told him if his dick went in my mouth, my teeth would bite down and his knob would come off. Remember that line, ..coz it deterred the guy in oh about .02 of a second.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): Those details definitely change my views on this - it was assault, no doubt. I still don't understand why you didn't just wake up your boyfriend since he was in the same room, but I guess that's one of those things no one, including yourself, will ever really understand.
As for what you should do now, I'd suggest you tell your boyfriend about what happened. Yes, you run the risk that he'll end the relationship - and it's probably a high risk - but the alternative is much worse. This best friend has agreed to keep the secret now, but if he's enough of a scumbag to assault you, then there's no doubt in my mind that he's enough of a scumbag to go back on his word. And the longer your boyfriend goes without knowing, the worse it's going to be when he finally finds out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): I guess when i diluted the story i ignored a major part.
this whole incident began with him making me touch him.
he was laying next to me, and grabbed my hand and put it on his penis.
i pulled it away, and he just kept grabbing it and placing it where he wanted it.
he was relentless.
this went on for a good amount of time-- him grabbing my hand, me pulling away--- this all had some force too. i was pulling away as hard as i could.. and naturally he was stronger than me.
he then sat up and began forcing my head down.. again i resisted
but i can only resist so much.
i believe that, yes, i could've punched him, or bit him or yelled...
but at the time, i couldn't
i was confused and scared, and i didn't want my boyfriend to know.
i dont know why.
but i was definitely verbally coerced as well as physically forced
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): Coercion by definition involves force or intimidation. We already know the guy wasn't holding a gun to her head, so unless he was telling her that if she didn't give him head he'd beat her up or kill her, it isn't sexual assault.If someone comes up to me on the street, pulls a knife and demands my wallet, it's a mugging. If someone comes up to me on the street, asks me for money and I give it to them, it's my own damn fault.I'm sorry, but from the way the story is told right now, the blame lies squarely on the OP. "Took advantage of your niceness"? Give me a break. What the hell ever happened to living with your choices and taking responsibility for your actions? If I were the boyfriend I'd ditch the girl and the best friend; they both deserve it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): I would ignore the comments suggesting that it was your fault. This person coerced you into giving head and that is wrong. You have done nothing wrong whatsoever and have no reason to feel guilty. People always try to make the victim of abuse to have 'wanted it' or whatever but the fact is you did not want to give this person head but he made you do it. Whether it was verbal or physical coercion it doesnt matter. There are clearly boundaries that have been crossed here.
It's a sad thing that people often wrongly blame the victim. Even women often blame the victims of rape, for 'being in the wrong place' or for 'wearing the wrong clothes' or something. And then victims blame themselves. The person in the wrong was the person who made you do it, he clearly saw a weakness and exploited it. Do not let anyone tell you it was your fault. The doubts you are having are natural, but you should direct your anger at this other person not at yourself.
Since the coercion was just verbal, you may begin to think that because you didnt refuse physically that you were in some way to blame. People are abused verbally all the time, it is terrible. It consists of seeing a weakness in someone and taking an advantage. You have a right to go about your life without people blackmailing you into sexual favours. No-one is immune to coercion, but typically the person who made you do it will have sensed that it could work. They took advantage of you.
In the ideal world the best thing to do would be to name and shame. However, if you feel like your boyfriend wouldn't understand if you told him then that would be understandable - some guys would find it very hard to cope with that. It depends on how you think the other two would react, and what you want. I would definitely advise you to be very wary of this other guy and to be very careful to not let anything like that happen again, and if it did to go straight to your boyfriend because this guy is clearly not his true friend. If anything happens again, tell straight away. Above all, it is not your fault.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (3 April 2010):
 If you were afraid to say no, it was sexual assault. Someone doesn't have to hold a gun to your head for it to be sexual assault.
I can understand why this happened. Assholes - which is what this guy is, he's not nice at all - will take advantage of a woman who is scared to say no, and force or coerce her into doing something she doesn't want to do. It's not your fault. He took advantage of your niceness and made you do something terrible.
I strongly suggest that you talk to a sexual assault counselor. You can call the RAINN hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE or use the online hotline at rainn.org. They are very kind and there's no judgement involved. I think it would be good for you to talk to someone who understands. Don't worry, okay? Things will be alright.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): I have to agree with the other people on here. "Forcing' you to give him a bj is something very different from what you have described here.
You have to accept responsibility for this incident, you didn't have to do it but you chose to do it.
In light of this I would probably advice you not to tell your boyfriend. What you did was wrong and you obviously feel very guilty over it, hopefully so does his so called mate and this will NEVER happen again
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 April 2010):
 You were under the influence of alcohol and was in the wrong place and time. You made a mistake ,learn from it and you need to move on .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): if you didnt want to give him head then you wouldnt have done it. im sorry but when you say that you dont want to come between your boyfriend and his friend thats just stupid. If he was a friend he would not betray his best friend like that. And for you to say about some one that forced you to give him head a really nice guy i think you really did want and he is not the only one to blame you are. You both betrayed your boyfriend and he should know so he can decide if he wants to speak to any of you
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (3 April 2010):
Coercion is part of sexual abuse... exactly ms anonymous reader you are totally right...
Sorry babes, I can understand why you gave in and didn't fight. You think your boyfriend loves this guy, thinks of him as a brother or something. You didn't want to betray that love, you didn't want to break them up.
Then again, you weren't sure if your boyfriend would dump you and choose his friend instead.
Damn.. I hate secrets, especially when two people know... I can't tell you what to do.. If you tell, then it plays just as you thought. Your boyfriend will either blame the friend or he will blame you. But if you don't tell, then there's the sexual act and the lying on top of it....
You puts your money in and you makes your choice.... I can't help you decide.
But if it happens again, you scream, and scream loudly as hard as you can.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (3 April 2010):
If he did not physically force you or otherwise threaten you, you did it of your own free will and choice. A choice you clearly regret now, but if you did not want to do it, ... well, then you simply just should not have. Get assertive!
A lot of guys are probably gunna want to get blown by you or in to your pants over your life time and you can't just give in to them all then try to paint a picture that labels them as 'forcing' sex on you because you later wish you had said no. That is not fair!
Not saying he is not a dog - coz he is, but that is a far cry from a rapist/sexual assaulter.
Giving in is not being forced, so as I see it (from what is written) you did not assert yourself, made the free will choice to blow him rather than wake your man up, walk away, scream, threaten him you would tell your boyfriend if he did not pack his shit up, etc, (lots of other options were available to you to prevent this) and are excusing your choice in actions by calling it an act of protecting their friendship??? What friendship??? He is not a friend - friends don't hit on their mates girlfriends.
I would not give a rats about the boyfriend and friend having a falling out if you open your mouth about this - it is a bogus friendship anyway, ... but be aware it is probably YOU and your boyfriend who will fall out because I think he will see too that you could have done so many other things besides give the guy head, ... and if he did not actually, truly, no choice in it, forced you, ..well then it just looks like you decided to do it - regrets or not.
Perhaps too you should watch your drinking, coz it lowers inhibitions, and you may find yourself doing things you would not if your judgement was not impaired and then regretting it - like in this instance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): Coercion is part of sexual abuse... There isn't much of the story here... BUT if you said NO and he kept asking you to and pushing you to do it after you made it clear you did NOT want to you were being coerced. It's common to blame yourself in these cases... But you have to know that it is not your fault. Things happen. I hope all turns out well for you in the end.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): Your story doesn't make sense. On the one hand you say he "forced" you to give him head, but the way you tell it makes it sound like he asked you to give him head, you said no, he asked again, and you just did it.
That's not assault, that's not being "forced," that's cheating on your boyfriend with his best friend and trying to cover your ass by crying rape, which is absolutely despicable.
If he was grabbing you by the hair and forcing his dick into your mouth, then yeah, that's assault. But you don't mention anything like that. And since you say your boyfriend was asleep on the couch next to his friend, I'm thinking he would've woken up if he'd heard a violent assault going on next to him. There are a tonne of holes in this tale, that's for sure.
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (3 April 2010):
He didn't assualt you. You gave in and now you regret it. That's it. You could tell your bf or you could not but what if he finds out? What if his best friend blackmails you and makes you do it again otherwise he will tell his buddy about it. I don't know just something to consider.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 April 2010):
 Hey bad girl, your excuses don't add up. Even hypnosis won't work if the participant would not cooperate. There was no assault unless he grabbed you, pulled your head down and threatened you if you didn't do it. You did it because he was asleep! I can bet your boyfriend is not as aggressive as his friend and you wish he was. You could have just woke your boyfriend up. But no, now you want to tell your boyfriend he tried to assault you, after you wanted to protect their friendship by giving in. Isn't that contradictory?
You can't face your hidden dark, secret desires so it's all his fault? Time to spice things up with your boyfriend so when another horny guy hits on you you won't get tempted. It's safe to explore sexual fantasies with your boyfriend. He will never assault you. You had agreed to never mention that incident again. Keep that promise.
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