A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together 17 years. We are now approaching 40, and we have no children. We both really want a baby so we have tried fertility treatments - no success. We are now in the midst of an IVF cycle. I have loved our 17 years together. Lots of ups and downs, but in my mind, more ups than downs. However, for him - without children, we have no future together. It is this important to him. He is relying on this IVF cycle to 'hold the marriage' together - at least 'get something out of our 17 years together'. He thinks if the IVF cycle is successful, our problems are resolved and our marriage will be good. If however its unsuccessful, I suspect our marriage will be doomed. From my perspective, I love him ... but if its successful then I have to face the fact that he's only there for the child - and if it fails, then I have to face the fact that he'll probably leave me. Even if he doesnt, i live with the fact that i've failed in giving him a baby - and by staying together, I'm depriving him of his only wish.What do i do? I'm depressed and stressed - and I know this doesnt help the IVF cycle ...
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female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (3 April 2010):
 If your husband feels he needs to 'get something out of our 17 years together' it sounds like your marriage is already doomed.
You have to love your child before he/she is even conceived, and that includes providing them with the best situation possible. Bringing a child into a marriage that one spouse perceives as having no future is not the best situation possible. Using a child to try to keep a marriage together is not the best situation possible.
You might want to evaluate whether or not you really want to stay in this marriage before you continue the IVF treatments.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): Has you husband actually said all this? Or is it something you think will happen. You have to stop thinking of it, that you are depriving him of something, you're not, this isn't something you are doing by choice, you are not say, no honey I don't want any kids. The sad fact is, not everyone can have children. I have been married for 21 years and we have not been able to have children, I had a child before I met him, so I know that make it easier, but I would still loved us to have them, but at the end of the day, what you both have to decide is do you want to be together, without kids.
You are right though, all this stress is not good for the IVF.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): I am only 19 so I am in no position to offer any real advice, but I want to tell you a couple stories that may give you some hope. Firstly, i highly recommend natural ways to become fertile. Research herbal drinks and remedies, meditational exercises, incenses, oils, whatever! Some times when you try too hard, your focus is not really there.
For example, a dear friend of mine for YEARS could not get pregnant and for many years after she went through many failed attempts at fertility treatments. Eventually became pregnant with twins, due to the fertility drugs. Unfortunately she miscarried. The miracle? She gave fertility treatments one more shot a few months later and now she has the most beautiful baby boy ever! Her baby was born on the exact anniversary of her twins death.
Another example, my sister... she had sists on her ovaries that made pregnancy difficult for her. She, too, turned to fertility treatments. They did not work. After stopping treatment and taking the pressure of having a baby off, she made love to her husband. Now I am a auntie!
Miracles do happen! These may not of been the best stories to share but just relax, have no fear, and just love your husband and tell him he needs to do the same! It is like when your so stressed out your period becomes irregulated. Your body knows things like when you are so stressed about having a baby, your making impossible for your body to react properly.
If you honestly can't have children... Why not have a 'seroget mother' type thing, or adopt?
Overall, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you are blessed with a child, be it your own or a child in need of a home and love.
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A
male
reader, MrBrightside90  +, writes (3 April 2010):
This is really alot to digest,
But anyway Id like to ask you the question; 'Do you think getting a kid is going to solve your problems?'
And really I cant understand that he has such a view on the 17 years of marriage with you, that only a kid would make him think that he has got something out of it.
And what if you get a kid. What when the child grows up and moves out, what will the situation be like then ?
And I feel sad when I read that you feel like failing him, because you cant get pregnent. Isn't he the one failing you for wanting a child so badly that he will actually leave if it wont happen ?
And finally, have you two concidered addoption ? It can be as fulfilling as getting children in my opinion.
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