A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am falling out of love because every time, my boyfriend and I have a problem, he tells his mom and she never gives great advice. She tells him to dump me but he is my first boyfriend. I don't understand. I thought she liked me but I guess not. We have been together for four years and we are in our twenties. We both attend college so he lives with his mom and I live with my parents. It kills me when my boyfriend would rather communicate about our problems with his mother instead of me. He tells me try harder in the relationship but he's the one acting like a child! It is my first relationship after all, so I don't exactly know how things work (good and bad) regardless of how long this one has been. What should I do? I don't like having to think that I would marry my boyfriend and having a hateful mother in law. In fact, she makes me not want to marry him at all in the future. I have spoken with him before about confronting me with his feelings but he still goes to her.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 July 2016):
 His mother is just being a good mother to him, she is not being hateful. He is the one being hateful about you to his mother, and that is why she suggests breaking up, because she sees that her son is unhappy and always complaining about you. I have to agree that him running to his mother complaining about you is not a good way to handle things, as she will eventually begin to dislike you. He should talk to you about your relationship. Talk to him and tell him how this is making you feel.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (18 July 2016):
You should not come between your boyfriend and his mother nor should you grow to dislike her. Instead you should focus on the issues you have with him and continue to enjoy your freedom. Now is not the time to think about marriage, you both are no where near ready.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 July 2016):
 She is not being a hateful mother-in-law. She is being a practical, rational one.
If these arguments happen often , and you and yor bf are often having "issues" ( as I suppose it is the case- I don't think you would resent him so much for having confided in his mom once )- if these disagreements are NOT a very exceptional evenience, but more like a recurring one, what's the woman supposed to say ? " Dump her ! " Meaning, no, it's not true that " true love bickers " and stuff like that , in fact a high degree of pre-marital conflictuality is one of the most reliable predictors for divorce. It's only in sitcoms ( The Jeffersons and such )that people stay glued together 30 years always bickering, in real life they get tired much much sooner.
Mum thinks : you are just barely over 20, you are not married, haven't got kids, do not share properties or bank accounts- if you can't manage to get along, then just split up ! The voice of common sense.
It may be , yes, that your bf is a bit of a mama 's boy who exceeds in running to mom for comfort whenever he is stressed out. Oth, that's not so unusual, people DO tell their worries and troubles to their parents,( at least, if they have a good,warm relationship ) whether it is about money, health, or love . That's what families are for- you can talk to them.
So , yes , it may be that your bf is a bit of a cry-baby, but, IMO, the real problem is not that he tells his love issues to his mother- the problem is that so far he has had repeated occasions to have love issues .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 July 2016):
 I agree with Aidan here,
The reason the mom is telling him to dump you is because YOUR BF is painting you with an "ugly" brush, making all the issues your fault, and... a mom would take her child's side if she believed him or... didn't want to suss out the truth. When my mom was alive I would run things by her, not so much about my marriage, but my children and issues I was dealing with. It's not really uncommon for people TO talk to their mom/dad. But if he ALWAYS talks to her instead of you, it's something you two need to figure out.
And SHE isn't the problem, she is giving advice on what HE tells her and the little that she sees/hears.
HE is the problem and YOU are the problem. The fact that you two don't communicate very well is not going to help either.
Whether it's your first or 5th relationship, there is no manual, you learn as you go. EACH relationship is different and the people in them are different or.. at different stages in life.
Maybe... you two have outgrown each other?
Telling you to try harder is hardly useful. What would he want you to try harder doing? Is HE trying harder too? Other than him running to his mom, what ARE your issues?
All you write in you whining over him talking to his mom, and him being childish...
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (17 July 2016):
Maybe his mother does like you, but if your boyfriend is constantly moaning to her about all your problems, I think he’s painted you in a bad light to her. She’s probably been led to believe that you aren’t suitable for each other. This happens on Dear Cupid sometimes: we can’t always fix relationships and sometimes we have to tell the poster to end things. It’s not because we dislike the other partner (who we don’t even know), it’s just that if they’re claiming to be miserable in the relationship, they have their answer. Your problem isn’t this woman, it is your boyfriend, who frankly needs to grow up a bit and start dealing with his issues rather than bitching to his mother, for whom I have quite a bit of sympathy. I think you need to tell him very clearly and directly that you can’t be with some-one who isn’t capable of communicating functionally and maturely with you about whatever his problems are. I think you should tell him that you’ll consider ending it if things don’t improve after a while, and I would have in your head a timescale you can live with, after which you should leave if things are unchanged. If ‘softly softly’ isn’t working, he needs an ultimatum: start helping you out or it’s over!
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2016): Your boyfriend shouldn't go running to his mother every time you have a little disagreement. Maybe this is something he'll eventually grow out of, or maybe not. I guess you'll have to decide if this is something you can continue to put up with...
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