A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:so my boyfriend and i have been dating for over a year. i am a bit of the jealous type but not controlling. basically, i was went through his emails without his permission and i found a trail of emails where he went to a strip club with his friends. i was really sad when i saw that but i haven't mentioned it to him and i am pretending that nothing happened because i was wrong to go through his emails in the first place. but the more i think about it, the more i get sad/mad and i wonder why he didn't tell me and why he would even go to a place like that again. this was not the first time he went but he had told me he was going the first time around and i was perfectly fine with it. the fact that he didn't tell me about it this time makes me think he's trying to hide it. i do not want to confront him because then i will have to confess that i went through his emails and probably lose his trust. what should i do?
View related questions:
jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your help and advice. i haven't decided on what to do but this is a great start.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): Yes, you snooped, found something that was probably no big deal, and now are all worked up about it.Look, guys in their 20's occasionally go to strip clubs. If he was with freinds and someone got the brilliant idea, and off they went, he probably wasn't going to call you from the back seat and ask permission.Strip clubs are boring, and girls are usually NOT all that attractive and ALL they want is all the $$$ that a guy brings in. After that, odds are they'd rather go home with one of the other strippers... (bad sterotype, sorry...)Cut the guy some slack... if he's doing it on a regular basis that's one thing... 1 or 2 a year.. NOTHING..
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (15 September 2009):
He might of thought that since you were ok with it the first time, that that gave him "permission" to go whenever. Either way though, I can understand why you are upset and I understand that him not telling you is making you very worried and suspcious of his behaviour. The thing is though, he probably thinks its not big deal. In the young male world, its very common, its socially accepted as something that young gusy will do. And if you acted like you were 100% fine with it in the first place then he probably does see no need to tell you everytime he goes to one.
How long ago did he go to this strip club?
If it was a while ago you could probably bring up the topic of strip clubs in a conversation without it looking to suspicous. Find a way to work it into your conversation and then ask him if hes been to any lately.
Further more, id like to add that it seems to me that your relationship does have a few bigger issues that need to be worked on, and the main one is trust and insecurity. You obviously dont trust him. Ask yourself why is that? Does he give you reason not to trust him, therefore creating insecurities? Or is it more to do with a personal insecurity you may have? only you can be the judge and answer that question. I dotn know enough about you or your relationship to really be confident in giving an answer. Once you work that out, you need to take steps to deal wiht it. Because believe me, if you dont get to the roots of this problem, it will only get worst and it iwll turn into more then just jealousy about him going to a strip club.
...............................
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (15 September 2009):
 You need to do several things. First of all, stop obsessing over a strip club visit. Strippers see guys like him as "fresh meat" as in, they want his money, not his body.
Second of all, guys in their 20's do stupid things like this. I'm assuming he's in your age bracket, and so going to the strip club with his friends is normal albeit not something you're happy about.
What you ought to do is look at him and be nice, and just ask him what him and the guys do when they go out together. No dates, no names, no nothing. Not a word about strippers! Just tell him you're curious because you'd like to do that sometime with him. Heck, if you're feeling curios go to a club with him.
As far as him having some sort of morbid curiosity about looking at naked women working a dance pole, there's a simple cure for that. He's got one at home. Not the pole, the girl.
That means if you want to be happy with him, and keep his trust, I'd say keep out of his emails. Don't tell him you were snooping on him, but ask him if there's anything special he'd like to do with you. Be nice. He loves you.
I hate to say this but when I was his age, and this is reaching back more than a quarter of a century, the nudie bar is the place you spend far too much money, go to drink watered down liquor and watch women strip. In my opinion its overrated. But that's from a perspective of an older guy rather than from that of a young man in his 20's.
If you want to kind of rid him of the eye candy situation, just remind him very lovingly and affectionately that he has lovely skin candy sitting next to him. Frankly, personal contact in a strip club gets you bounced, beat up and possibly arrested.
Skin contact at home with the woman you love, gets you happy.
Here's a couple of other suggestions. Are you two affectionate with each other? I mean spend time holding each other, cuddling and the like? Maybe that ought to remind him that being with you is a lot more fun than getting drunk and paying for the privilege of looking at the skin trade.
And if you make more time to be together, the strip club's an afterthought.
Now as for your situation, try not to obsess over this. Its normal for guys to look. If he's not looking you better call the paramedics because he's not breathing. Its no different than if you'd seen a hunky looking male celebrity prancing around with his shirt off wearing a thong. You'd look too. I know, I've dated girls that went to the male strip clubs and trust me their animals!
...............................
|
