A
female
age
41-50,
*onfuzzelled
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. When we first met I'd only been divorced 6 weeks. Spark flew but I needed time. We stayed friends for about 3 months until I decided I wanted to be with him. But now he was going through a tough time and didn't want to be in a relationship. It took another 3...emotionally stressful months for us to be together. About 6 months in I found out he was still talking with his ex and had met her for coffee behind my back. Also, he'd been flirting with a girl at his work, sometimes sending her 30+ messages a day and deleting them out of his phone. I wanted to break up but he carried on and what not, I decided to forgive him but have had a really hard time trusting him. Because of the lack of trust sometimes I flip out on him. I've gotten drunk and verbally abused the crap out of him. Slapped him. Thrown all his clothes out the front door etc. Basically been a crazy person. But over time our relationship has healed and I honesty trust him now. He is completely transparent. We don't fight. We get along great. And are a lot happier than I thought we ever could be. Things have been good and settled about 15 months. Last month my friend killed himself. I was very upset. My boyfriend hadn't ever met my friend (who I worked with) and didn't understand why I was upset. We went out to dinner, I was drinking and I just got really sad. My boyfriend accused me on cheating on him with my late friend and I lost the plot. I went nuts at him. I haven't lost my temper like that with him in ages and I'm really embarrassed. My boyfriend says he can't live with me anymore because he can't be around me when I'm like that. He says he needs his own place to go to when we fight. He needs his own space to get some of himself back. But (!!!!) he wants to stay together. This has left me all kinds of confused. I feel like he let me down so much at the start of our relationship that taking a step back like this is too painful. I started counselling because I don't want to be so aggressive when we fight (which apart from that night has been hardly ever). He says it doesn't matter how much I try to better myself he needs time out. He wants to move out for 3 months and see how things are. But I'm convincing myself if I let him go he just won't come back. I'm not mentally strong enough to cope with letting him go just a little. I feel the only way I can continue to work on our relationship is if he stays here, with me. Is it wrong of me to want to break up if he insists on moving out? Do you honestly think our relationship could better from this given previous trust issues? Do u think he's trying to break up with me but just doesn't have the guts to do it like a man?
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divorce, drunk, flirt, his ex, spark Reply to this Question
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male
reader, MAX D  +, writes (3 April 2011):
 To begin with, you entered into a relattionship far too soon, as you were only divorced six weeks when you met this guy.As someone who is divorced myself, it takes time before you would be ready for a new relationship, at least a year or two, if not longer.It is good that you are getting counselling.Let him move out and take some time out for yourself, and get your life back, by all means be friends with him, and by being apart for a time you will both find out what you really feel about each other.if a relationship is strong enough it will work, but the only way to find out is to be apart, I would say 6 months, but you also must have honesty ,and trust with each other.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2011): Listen to caringguy his advice is perfect. This guy hasnt treated you right from the start. you are both flawed, its a emotionally dangerous relationship.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 April 2011):
Whether he wants to break up with you or not, I would recommend 100% that you do break up. This relationship is flawed on so many levels that I can't even list them all. There was his sly behaviour at the beginning with his ex. Then there was the violence you showed towards him. Then your friend sadly died and he showed no care towards you, and on top of that accused you of cheating. You then flipped and went nuts. Finally, he's decided he wants to move out.Your post is sadly a very good advertisement for anyone wanting to know whether something that started with issues can get better. The answer is no. It won't get better. Your relationship started on a lie - his lie. And it has never been solid enough to stand anything. At the beginning, he was still seeing his ex behind your back. Now you need him to be there again and he has accused you of cheating and is moving out. Please, for your own sake, get rid of this guy and learn from this. If a relationship starts with a lie, it'll fail. I fear you should have ended it the moment you knew he was speaking to his ex. Now a lot has happened, but nothing has changed. He's still as useless as he was then.
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