A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I am looking for some advice regarding my boyfriend and his friends, one of his friends in particular. Boyfriend and I have been dating just under three years now and I have met some of his friends and for the most part, I get on really well with them and we often meet up for drinks and a chat. However, he has a friend who he has know since school and I get on well with this friend, but I just can't seem to connect with his partner; let's call her Sammy. My boyfriend just seems to try and push me to like Sammy because he is friends with her. The first time I met Sammy, we both had a few drinks in us and we talked and had a chat. We then met up in February for a double date where I found things were far more awkward. She gave me one word answers or answered any questions just straight and matter-of-factly, not in a friendly manner. I just could not seem to break down this barricade that was there. She was super chatty with my boyfriend and asking questions and laughing but just seemed to be really dry with me and lacked any interest in anything I had to say or ask despite me asking about her job and her past time. My boyfriend did notice this and another friend of his pointed out that she had a hard time with Sammy too when they met up. He said that it "confirmed" what I had said.There was another time were we were planning to go around to their house, but my boyfriend decided against it as Sammy annoyed him. His friend's brother's girlfriend had came over from Canada and Sammy sent in the group chat that her and the other girlfriend would go upstairs for some girl time together, whilst the guys stayed and had a drink, and watch a movie - without me. When my partner asked about me, she said I could come if I wanted to. Did not feel overly welcoming. My boyfriend was annoyed at first, but when I brought it up again, he seemed to change his tune and kept saying that she would have invited me too despite her initially not doing so and despite him being aware that she was only planning on her and the other girlfriend to spend time together.Two weeks ago, my boyfriend and I went around to their house for some drinks, but before we did, I explained to him that I was not really comfortable with her after the last time we met. He just said: "She is just difficult at times."We got to the house and Sammy had her friends over too. They are all neighbours and know each other. I am not from the area so I had not met them yet, but I tried to get to know them throughout the night. Sammy sat on the couch and just spent her entire time on her phone, chatting to her friends and talking amongst themselves. I managed to get myself into the chat a few times, but again, she did not speak to me and either stayed looking at her phone, or speaking to one of her other friends.Then, without knowing initially, her and her friends stood up and all walked outside. I thought they were just going out to have a cigarette or cool down as there were a few people in the house, but they were out there having a chat and a laugh together for around 10-15 minutes. I was the only girl left in the room after they had left. I don't want to come across as petty or needy, but I just did not want to just tag along as I had to move to the side to let them passed and I just felt that if they wanted me to come along, they would have asked me.When we left to go home, my boyfriend mentioned that her going outside with her friends did annoy him a little and that she could be "clique." However, he then went onto say that I could have made more of an effort despite me trying to get into the conversation multiple times with what I could hear as between the music and them talking amongst themselves, I could not hear much and they were all sitting on the couch on the other side of the room which made it even more difficult for me. She spoke to me once the entire night.I just feel that the times that I have been quiet, in my partner's eyes, after a drinking occasion with his friends, he will mention that I could have made of an effort and spoke out a lot more. However, he does not seem to take her being dry and going out with her friends into consideration and how that could be off putting for most people. I just feel that he is really pushing me to be friends with Sammy when it is clear, to me at least, that she is not too bothered about being friendly with me. I do not mind that at all because we are not meant to get along with everyone. I understand that it will make things easier for him if we all got along to some extent, but I just cannot seem to click with her.The last few times we have been out, just him and I, which is extremely rare, he always asks if he can invite Sammy and her partner for drinks. I have told him that probably not for the best as it brings my mood down a little when I feel that she does not want to speak to me. He will just say: "I would like my friends to see you in the same way I do - funny and bubbly." and "You just need to speak to her and ask questions."I don't know what to think or do, I get on with pretty much his entire friend group, but he just does not seem to understand that Sammy and I just not really friend material. I am quite introverted but I am pushing myself out of my little bubble and getting to know all of his friends as best as I can.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2022): First things first. Stop allowing your boyfriend to make you dip beneath your dignity to grovel at the feet of this catty-female. Your parents didn't raise you to bow and scrape for anybody's approval or acceptance. Keep your chin-up and your back straight!
Sammy's cattiness is rooted in mean-girl jealousy. I've seen this petty kind of behavior too many times to count! If you happen to have physical attributes or a personality she envies; and/or have the best looking boyfriend in the group, she automatically hates you. She may even have a little crush on your boyfriend, but don't feel threatened by it. She's the one with the issues.
She's like the typical mean-chick you see in the movies and TV shows; who picks a target, and rallies a clique around herself to make the target feel left-out and ignored. While using passive-aggressive demeaning tactics to make you feel you should speak only when spoken to. As if you're a child among grown-ups. You probably have lovely hair, sparkly eyes, a sweet charm about you; and her boyfriend probably checks you out. She probably noticed it on the first day you were all introduced. I would speculate this might have made you her enemy.
Tell your boyfriend stop blaming you for her behavior when he knows how she is. It has nothing to do with your efforts to deal with this female. She wants you to feel left-out and ignored; because she can't handle her jealousy. Stop making any effort at all, and just plant a smile on your face when you see her. Say little or nothing, and when she tries to be funny, don't laugh; keep your pleasant dignified smile planted on your lips. This will show, you know what's-up, you're no longer bothered; but you'll be the grown-up in the room. If they go outside, or pullover to a corner to exclude you; don't show any concern, just find your way back to your boyfriend. If he makes anymore stupid cracks about "you not trying," tell him you've had enough with him doing that! It's not fair that he's taking her side knowing how she is. Just stop blaming you! She's not your friend, doesn't want to be, and you're not going to give her anymore satisfaction of watching you making a fool of yourself to be pissed-on like a pathetic beggar. Enough is enough!
Let your boyfriend go speak to Sammy, she's the one being a beeyotch! He has no right to blame you, because HE doesn't have the balls to step-up to her. So blame you?!! It is his job as the boyfriend to see that all his friends treat you well and show you respect. You'll demand respect simply by being yourself, and being a mature and decent person. That's all you'll ever have to do.
You do not bow to the graces of Sammy! GOT IT?!! Let Sammy be Sammy. You're the new girl in the group, and she doesn't want you to steal her self-perceived thunder.
Your quiet smile, and relaxed composure will irk her. She'll wonder what's on your mind? Next time, bring one of your own girlfriends along to add balance to the situation. If she wants to gather her subjects around her thorny thrown, let her. Then you and your girlfriend can pull-aside, and have your private little giggles and chats. She'll for sure think it's about her; but don't even let her name soil your thoughts or taint your conversation.
Do everything I've suggested with subtlety. Don't purposely perform for her benefit. Just be poised. If you're too obvious, she'll know she's getting to you. She has to notice you to ignore you.
Have a good-time, enjoy drinking her liquor, and always be polite to the hosts. Even when they stink! Tell your boyfriend the next time he pushes you on Sammy, you will leave when you've had enough. You can't force people to like you, and if you have to make an @$$ of yourself for them only to treat you worse, that is weakness in your character. Let no-one, including your boyfriend or Sammy, make you go beneath yourself for their acceptance.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (2 June 2022):
 Sounds like it's all on YOU to make every effort and to accommodate this rude madam. That doesn't sound very fair.
I would advice you to start sticking up for yourself and just point blank refusing to put yourself through the ordeal of spending time with her. It sounds stressful and no fun whatsoever. Certainly foursomes with her and her boyfriend should be off the table. Perhaps agree to compromise by inviting another couple or more so that it is not just the four of you. Then you will hopefully have others to talk to and you won't need to keep trying to make conversation with someone who is not interested.
I have been with my partner a lot longer than you have with your boyfriend, and we are a lot older than you. We have found, over many years, that it is ok to keep our friends separate. I don't particularly like my partner's friends and he doesn't really jell with mine. Apart from occasions like birthday gatherings, weddings or other celebrations, we just don't mix with each other's friends. It has worked well for us for years. Perhaps a bit of this could also be an option for you?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 June 2022):
"You just need to speak to her and ask questions."
Just tell your BF that he can't make "Fetch" happen.
Sammy isn't interested in getting to know you. Maybe SHE is annoyed that she is "expected" to be friendly with any of the guy's new GFs? Maybe she is just a but if a cow.
She is her whole own person and can decide IF she wants to make the effort or not.
Just like YOU can decide that. So far it seems like she can't be bothered.
This isn't kindergarten where kids just HAVE to get along and become friends. You are all old enough to decide if the other person seems like someone you want to get to know.
I'd say if there is a group of his friends, find someone else to talk to. He needs to stop pushing it. Who knows it might happen over time, but only if he stops pushing.
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