A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just looking for a little advice and input from others, especially other women. I am 27 and have been with my boyfriend(33) for 6 months now although we've been seein each other for 9 and basically live together at his place although I have my own apartment. after the first 4 months, he said he loved me and that he wanted me in his life.we had already been having protected sex by then. Before the "i love you's" i had a casual approach to our relationship cos we had both said to each other that we're enjoying each others company and the sex is exclusive and we'll see where it leads us,unaware that we'd develop deeper emotions for one another at a later stage.Now the root of my worry starts here.During the infant days, I saw several things like papers with mobile numbers and details of call girls,and on one occassion accidently saw a private chat he was having with another woman on the computer.when asked about it he was truthful bout the chat,cos it was evident i guess, but a bit offish bout the escort list,said it was for his friends and that i should trust him. I have since found out that he has used them before.obviously I told him that I wasn't prepared to sit on the fence about this matter and I think he’s not being truthful but want him to get rid of the numbers,and know that the decision is his if he decides to go out of his way and act upon any desires outside our relationship. He has since been “well behaved”. We have a great connection and are very alike and he has also stated that he wants to be with me and stated that his worst fear is being cheated on. After that we were good until he recently went away for 2 weeks. Before he left, as I was packing away something in his travel bag,I found 2 condoms in the side sleeve. Now, I know that they have been in there for sometime,cos I used the bag once before however upon his return, the condoms were gone. I have’nt asked him about it yet cos I don’t want to drag up the “trust conversation” that seems to plague our relationship. He trusts me and hasn’t insinuated anything , but I think its probably cos I don’t give him any reason to doubt me. At the same time He reassures me quite often of how much he loves me and how much I mean to him . I want to trust him with my entire being cos it feels so good when we’re together and we have an active sex life,so I cant think why he would look for sex somewhere else,.However, at the back of my mind, I still have this naggin thought that I should worry bout his sexual past and the fact that he used to pay escorts for sex and erotic massages and he has friends that encouraged it. he also used to have 1 night stands,which he has told me about. Basically his view on sex is very casual. . I know the past is the past, but it also says a lot about a person's character,doesn’t it? I know that all this happened while he was single and has to my knowledge not cheated on me,but Im finding hard to trust him let alone believe him since he so blatantly lied about the numbers being for someone else. I ve looked through his phone a few times and, I know its not right as I wouldn’t want him goin through mine (not that there is anything to find) but I did find out that while I was away he called an ex fling and ex girlfriend,and these are only the numbers that I know...Am I just being insecure and paranoid that he might have another agenda and cant wholly be trusted or should I give him the benefit of the doubt and not ask about the “missing” condoms and move on with life with the hope that he’ll be worthy of my trust?Im not pretending to be holier than thou or want to pass any judgement on him, I just need a bit of advice,cos it seems our relationship is moving in the direction of a seriously committed partnership.however, I dont know if I should keep quiet about any suspicions i have until i have solid proof-as hurtful as that may be- cos I cant shake this uneasy gut feeling, that it is actually possible to look someone you love in the eyes and lie.at the same time I dont want to create a rift between us rather than workin on our relationship and have him be convinced that I don’t trust him at all and maybe risk losing a bad guy turned good...??? any advice will be much appreciated.THank you !!
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cheated on me, condom, escort, ex girlfriend, insecure, move on, sex life, sexual past Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (5 October 2010):
 I'd keep my feelings in check. Infact, why even date a guy with such a sexual history. There are loads of perfectly normal guys out there who don't and never have seen prostitutes. Its just plain gross on so many levels.
I'd be very careful if I were you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey there, thank you so much for your reply :) I truly appreciate your insight and believe that our relationship is currently on a "weighing scale" ..Hopefully with a bit more time,I'll get a clearer picture.. :)
Thanks again (",)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): It's absolutely possible to look someone in the eyes and lie to them. If he takes such a casual view of sex, he might not see sleeping with a woman only once and not continuing anything with her as "cheating" or doing anything wrong, since it was just "meaningless" sex.
It strikes me as very odd that he took condoms with him on a trip and came back with none. Although it's not very respectful of you to go through his things, I'd say you doing so came up with this fairly important evidence against him. However, he could have realized they were in there while on his trip and thrown them away or given them to a buddy who needed them. What would bother me most is that it took him so long to get rid of the list of call girls.
I'd say keep your eyes open and don't go into denial about his behavior if it continues to happen. If he continues to show signs of still living out his past behavior, you have to decide if he's someone you want to be with long-term.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Umm, your question was well written and I see what you are saying. However, it appears that your boyfriend has the knack of compartmentalising his sexual behaviour down to a tee. He DOES want the relationship with you, he probably does love you but unfortunately, I also feel that he is getting casual sex elsewhere. He knows where to get it, it is no strings and gives him the variety and excitement that he needs. It is not that you are not a good lover....I think it's about his issues with sex.
This is classic double-life stuff, probably putting some strain on him and ideally he'd like to just have you but now that he's experienced the illicit thrills that lie elsewhere, these are hard to give up. Addictive stuff.
Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Sadly, I think you are right. Listen to your instincts.
x
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