A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:*Mod Note - This post contains 4 seperate postings that have been made in to one* 1/ My boyfriend broke up with me 5 months ago, and it broke my heart, but he came back to me a month later and told me he really wants to be with me, and it took the time apart to realize that he truly does love me. Ever since then, though, I haven't told him 'I love you'. I used to before the breakup, but I can't find it in myself to say it. He tells me all the time, and I feel like I still do to when we're apart, but I just can't in the life of me tell him 'I love you'. I think sometimes 'how long should I make him suffer?' Thats a poor choice of words, but I was hurt really really bad. It does make me feel bad when he tells me and waits for me to say it, but I can't. I feel like it should be when I'm ready. I don't want to be hurt like that again, but what if he gives up on me? He's been distant lately, but maybe thats because he's a guy. I dont know, it scares me to think he's getting distant because now he knows how it feels to be hurt and wants to back out of the relationship. What should I do?2/I tend to make a lot of guy friends, it's easier for me to talk to them. I don't know why, maybe it's issues with my mother, but girls just seem really petty and fake to me sometimes. I have a couple good girl friends, but they are really down to earth and are easy to talk to (I'd rather have close friends, than multiple friends). Anyways, most of my guy friends end up liking me, so therefore I have to back off from them a little. My boyfriend knows that some of these friends like me, but he says he trusts me so it's not a big deal.Well, I have a problem with my boyfriend having female friends. He doesnt have many but when I see him chatting with some female I feel like he would cheat on me. I know he checks out other girls, but he is a huge dork who girls never 'seriously' talk to. All his good friends, who are guys, are actually surprised to see him with me. I'm afraid he will find another attractive girl like me and fall for her like he did with me. What if I'm the starter girlfriend?I also get jealous when he tells me about some girl in his class that seems cool. He says he's only trying to make new friends and thinks we should hang out sometime (he also wants to replace his sister/close friend). When we got into a fight a few weeks ago, he texted this new girl about our relationship to get advice and what not. Is this normal?He told me it's a double standard that I can have guy friends but I get jealous if he has female friends. I really just dont want him to ever hang out with some female I dont even know alone. He also says he wants a new female replacement because it helps to have a girl's opinion. I hate being jealous, but I dont want to get hurt again. Also, I'm scared about next semester because I'm transferring to a 4yr universtity 45 min away, while he is staying here. What if he chats up some new girl who is cool and starts hanging out with her all the time because I'm out of town, and falls for her?What are your opinions.3/ I love my boyfriend, we've been together two years, but lately I've been questioning this. I only really like him when it is just the two of us, or I'm around my sister who is really my closest friend, the only person in the world who gets me. Anyways, I get really irritated when we are around a lot of other people. He acts like a different person, not in an abusive way, but just acts like a class clown or something. I'm shy and have trouble being open in front of a lot of people, but he doesn't. He speaks whatever is on his mind, and sometimes the things he says are ignorant and make no logical sense at all.Like I said before, I love the time we have when we are alone, but when he gets in front of a class or something like that he makes everything a joke.Does this mean I love him less? Or is this one of those times where every person does something annoying and aggravating?4/My boyfriend hasn't had many relationships before, our's is actually the first serious one for both of us; therefore, he doesn't know how to make a girl feel special. We've been together 2 yrs and I still don't feel safe or comforted with him. He tells me he loves me, but I don't know or feel that he wants to comfort or protect me. He has hinted at marriage, but I don't know if I want to because it doesn't seem like he wants to be the best man for me, or that he wants to provide all my dreams for me. Am I being to cliche?I want to give him everything he wants and more. I want to be the woman he wants and needs. I support him in everything he does, and I pray that he achieves whatever goals he has, but I'm not sure if he feels the same way. Is there a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone? Do I love him or am I in love with him? And vice versa?How do I explain to him how I feel? I'm terrible with words and speaking, I always get my feelings and words tangled up, but if I write him a letter he doesn't grasp the full meaning.I want to be loved and wanted. I want to know that my man feels this way, but I do not know this so now I'm insecure about our whole relationship. Please tell me what you think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks naive that put it into more perspective. It's off putting and unattractive when he acts immature in front of people, but he does acknowledge me as his girlfriend and talks about us to all his friends or coworkers. I do love him.
And no almas he didn't cheat on me, he was unsure about things, and that broke my heart cause I couldn't imagine myself without him, and I still cant, but I'm still insecure with myself at times and that's why I lack trust at times. I know this isn't a good trait, but I'm still working on the whole discovering myself thing.
A
female
reader, naieve1 +, writes (8 April 2010):
 Alright, I'm going to try and take a shot of this :)
1/ I feel that sometimes guys do need their space, but I don't think that's the reason why he's distancing himself from you. Sometimes in order to give love, you need to receive it. & not getting those words in return can be somewhat discouraging, so maybe he's just pulling away a bit--maybe too afraid to put in more effort since he's not reaping awesome results. However, it is understandable that you are hesitant in saying those words to him because of the hurt you've gone through. Throughout time, you should be able to build that trust again and feel comfortable enough to return those words back to him. In the mean time, maybe you should at least mention it to him why you aren't saying it--at least let him know you're interested in him and still want him around, but you're taking baby steps to build your relationship back up again.
2/ Trust is a big issue on this one. It's normal to feel jealous about this...heck, I feel a bit jealous too when my guy talks to a girl about our problems! But, the reason why he needs to talk to a girl is because they're a lot more understanding and give more advice compared to guy friends. Girls are more emotional and nurturing whereas guys have that "suck it up" kind of attitude and it's a bit difficult to open up to them. Also, just hope that the girl does not have a questionable reputation...or that "kind" of girl (if you know what I mean). & the bigger picture is your boyfriend--in the past, has he proved his loyalty and faithfulness to you? If so, you have nothing to worry about. & if he does chat up w/ another girl while you go to a different university, then to put it bluntly, then he feels that your relationship isn't worth saving. Just accept it, and find a guy who won't do that to you.
3/ I have a similar situation to this also. Yeah, sometimes he acts differently around other people and doesn't show all that "lovey dovey" stuff, and acts more immature than usual. It is a turn off, but that doesn't mean you love him less. He probably just wants to entertain his friends and have a good time, as long as he still pays attention to you and acknowledges you as his girlfriend, you should be happy.
4/ Yes, there is a huge difference when you love someone, and when you're IN love with someone. For example, I love my friend but I'm IN love with my boyfriend. When you love someone, you want the best for them and everything like that. But being IN love is more deep, where you can't imagine living your life without him. Would you rather be alone than WITHOUT your boyfriend? Can you picture being with him for the rest of your life? & as for telling him how you feel, I think showing it is a lot more important. & avoiding those three words just aren't cutting it if you really do love him. So express how you feel more, and don't be afraid to take another chance if he's willing to do it for you. You don't want to lose him due to the fact that you were too afraid to take a chance, so if things are going really great and he's showing his hard effort into showing how he cares for you--go for it. You don't want to look back and think to yourself that you "should, could, or would" have done something differently :)
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