A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this guy for almost a year. He treats me like his personal assistant, and I am finally sticking up for myself. But he is so sensitive that when i do he acts like Im hurting his feelings. For instance he wants me to make and cancel his appointments. He wants me to always pick up things for him when I come home from a long day at work while he doesnt do anything during the day. I dont know how to set a boundary in a way that wont "hurt his feelings". He never spoils me or treats me like a princess. We rarely go out and when we do I am usually picking up the tab..Any advice?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 September 2013):
 You are making excuses for him because you are afraid to stand up for yourself. Breaking up is rarely easy. IT doesn't feel good to dump someone or be dumped.
You say he is a lovely guy for the most part. Is that part BIG enough to make you happy? What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?
You presume that you somehow can "fix" him, if only..... you do this or that.. or tell him how he makes you feel. I doubt that will work. If he treats "everyone" like this then THAT is WHO he is.
The guy you want and WHO he is doesn't match up. You are waiting for him to "bloom" into this AWESOME boyfriend - who will open up, be passionate and treat you like a princess and not boss you around, but honey.. WHAT you see is WHAT you get. He has had ALMOST a year to "open" up... It's not going to happen. If wishes were fishes... It's all good and well but it doesn't work that way.
IF you don't WANT to be treated the way he treats you, then you NEED to either LEAVE him or STAND UP for yourself. IT IS allowed to say no to your BF.
"No, I don't want to cancel your appointment, you can easily do that yourself - I'm not your mother".
" No, I will not run and fetch "*insert whatever he wants you to fetch* - I JUST got home from work and I need to put my feet up and relax a little. - I'm not your mother".
"No, I'm NOT paying every time we go out, either we go 50/50, or we don't go out to eat, at least not together."
You can't just say, I DON'T want this or that and then do nothing about it. It's like having a flat tire. Saying I don't want a flat tire now! Well, you got one so you only really have a few choices, sit in the car in denial, change the tire, call for a tow truck/taxi/friend. And even the first one, to sit in denial will only last so long, because you will get hungry, need a bathroom, need to get to work or sleep. ACTION is REQUIRED in life.
So figure out WHAT you actually want and GO for it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 September 2013):
 Well you have a couple of options.
1. When he asks you to do it say “ok I’ll do it but I can’t get to it for about a week, it would be better for you to do it” OTOH.. I will tell you that I do all my husband’s scheduling since we moved in together…
2. You could be very passive aggressive and SAY you would do it then “forget” but that’s a very childish way to be.
3. You show him the post here… say “darling I do not wish to hurt your tender feelings but enough is enough… since when did you forget how to take care of yourself?”
As for going out… DO NOT PAY.
Give him back exactly what he gives you…
NOTHING…
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys so much for all of your answers I really appreciate it. I am new to this site, and I really like the feed back I am getting. I don't feel strong enough to break up with him, but I don't feel good being with him. Its a double edge sword.We dont even have sex !!! He isnt a really sexual guy, never has been, and i thought the longer we were together he would open up and it doesnt seem like that is going to happen..I've seen the red flags from the get go yet decided to stay with him. He is a really sweet guy, just has a lot of issues. We do have a connection and I don't know if he realizes what he is doing because he seems to treat everyone like this. I just don't want to be treated like this anymore..I dunno what I'm saying, I'm just rambling at this point.. any advice?When I think about actually going through with a break up I feel so weak because I distanced myself from everyone.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 September 2013):
 P.S. Good "personal assistants" get paid from $80,000 to $150,000 per year!!!! Ask him if you can get on his payroll!!!!!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 September 2013):
Let's focus on this sentence in your submittal:
"We rarely go out and when we do I am usually picking up the tab.."
I consulted my "Guys' Book of how to take advantage of women in every possible way"... and found THIS in the chapter titled "How to get her to pay for everything and STILL feel that she is not doing enough for you"...
"It's important that you put on a pouty-face, and imply - or infer - that she isn't doing NEARLY enough to be worthy of you. Remember, your Mother used to iron your underpants... and, why can't this b**ch do the same thing for you???????"
Once you realize just WHAT he expects from you... you will realize that you are pissing in a gale (wind) as you try to be "good enough" for him. IF/ONCE you see that, you will be comfortable saying to him:
"Hey, (his name here) are you INSANE, believing that I'm going to be not only your s*x partner... BUT, also, your personal valet, such that YOU don't have to do a darn thing for yourself, as you go through life????"
When you get to that point, things will get much better.. I GUARANTEE IT!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 September 2013):
My guess is that you did all these things in the beginning to show how great a GF you are and he just started to take it for granted and adding on "chores".
I agree with iAmHereToHelpYou - it does seem more like how he might treat his mom, more then a PA.
Now if it was me, I'd say, sorry you need to make/cancel your own stuff. And If you want me to grab stuff on the way home send me a text in good time or GO FETCH it yourself.
Does he live with you? Does he have a job/income? (you said he did nothing all day so I presume, he doesn't work) if so.. how can he afford taking you out or even treat you? (other then treat you great in a non monetary way)
If this is not what you want from a BF/relationship then end it.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (4 September 2013):
 Tell him to stop. If he won't stop dump him.
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A
female
reader, DearApril +, writes (4 September 2013):
Dump him or just learn to say, "no I cannot do that because I am really tired from working all day but I would LOVE if you would run some errands for ME during the week! You would really be saving me so much stress!" If he says yes then say, "You're my hero!" and keep him. If he says no then dump him and do not look back. If you do not and keep him "as-is" your future could be you having children and supporting them and him and running yourself ragged taking care of them all because he is a lazy a#% that showed you early on he was useless, and you did NOT listen or see the nightmare you accepted into your life! And you could end up paying HIM alimony after all that. Don't be that doormat. You deserve better!
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (4 September 2013):
 walk away and dont look back...this guy is and always will take you for granted.
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