A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My 28 year-old boyfriend was here to dine with me. He got a call from his mother, who asked him to meet her to give her something. He left and said he'd come back very soon.So I left his food on the table and waited. He didn't show up.An hour and a half later I texted him asking if he wasn't going to come back. His answer: "sorry, something happened, don't worry, I love you". He knows I get very sad when he stands me up and doesn't even text, so, instead of saying something I'd regret, I just answered "Ok. Have a good night. Kiss".Instead of asking if I was ok, he texted back saying that I didn't even said that I loved him.I told him I felt hurt because he didn't even bothered to text me, but still he was mad because I didn't reply with an "I love you". He stopped texting after that and will probably stop talking to me for some days, which will just make me sadder.Everything in our lives is great, we get along, we love each other, but he sometimes acts like this and just makes me so miserable.What should I do?
View related questions:
I love you, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 “was here to dine with me”
At your home? A meal you prepared???
His mommy called him to ask for something… if it was NOT an emergency then she needed to wait. The fact that his mommy said JUMP and he did is a bit disconcerting unless what he had to give her was her heart medication that he had in his pocket.
The fact that you waited 90 minutes and you had to contact him is not good either. WHY in the world would he be so rude. Was he NOT planning to tell you he was not coming back? I mean when did he find out that “something came up” Was it BEFORE you sent the text or was the text just a REMINDER that he was on a date that he left.
He did not stand you up… he showed up and he left you. Personally if it was me and my boyfriend had to leave our date to go take his mom something, I would have gone along for the ride… was there a reason you did not?
You said you get very sad when he stands you up… how often does he do this to you??? IF he does it frequently enough that you know you get sad, then perhaps you are not high enough on his priority list.
Does your bf through “I love you” around as a way to say “I’m sorry”? I used to say I love you all the time to former partners. My husband and I got together a few years back and I had to learn that “I love you” is just words.. for some it means NOTHING more than “hi” and “bye” I used to long to hear those words thinking they meant something… they don’t if they are used all the time… I have heard my husband say “I love you” 3 times since we met… ONCE at our wedding so I would have it on video forever. And yet I know this man loves me more than any man who has ever said it to me on a regular basis.
You sent a text back to him that was appropriate IMO… why in the world would you expect him to ask if you were ok…. To me if you expected him to ask if you were ok, then you were game playing with him and if only on a subconscious level you knew it.
What happened next is where it really breaks down… He texts back that you didn’t say “I love you” so clearly it’s an expected way to say goodbye to each other… it really doesn’t carry much meaning anymore right?
What you should have done instead of taking something SERIOUS to text message you should have told him “we can talk about it the next time I see you” NEVER have serious conversations via text.
He’s mad because you didn’t say “I love you” well that’s just BS in my book. It’s just his excuse to CONTINUE to treat you poorly. I say continue because walking out on a meal with you and not contacting you with a status is the ultimate in disrespect. He thinks you are just always there for him and he can mistreat you and you will “I love you” to him… like those three little words make it better. Overuse of them makes them meaningless.
You say he will probably stop talking to you for some days… and that will make you sadder….
ME it would make ANGRY and SINGLE… ignoring problems does not make them go away.
Everything in your lives is great? I don’t buy that… if it was great you would not be posting this on a message board for a bunch of strangers to read and advise you.
Everything in your lives is great? Really…. So why are you miserable?
What should you do? Seriously? Do you really want me to tell you what to do….
Are you willing to be disrespected for life with this guy? Getting up from a table at a meal with you and leaving and not contacting you and coming back is ACCEPTABLE TO YOU? Did you cook the meal? And his disrespect of you is acceptable?
Do yourself a favor and make a few lists.
List one:
Everything you want in a relationship…. It can be as simple as ‘I want a man who will paint my toenails for me like in Bull Durham” or more complex stuff….. NOT the stuff you have with your boyfriend now… I want a LIST of WHAT WOULD YOUR PERFECT RELATIONSHIP look like.
It’s just for you…
Then take a fresh sheet of paper
Draw a line down the middle
On the left list all the things that are wrong with your current relationship and boyfriend
And it can be as detailed as “his second toe is longer than his big toe” or anything else that irks you… he doesn’t call, he stands me up, he chooses his friends over me, his mom is more important than I am (at 28 unless she is dying it should not be the case) or anything else… like he is immature or he sulks or he “punishes” you… (which btw it’s not his job to punish you that was your parents job and you are an adult punishment time is over)
On the right side of this paper list all the things that are good about the relationship… and it can be detailed and as personal as you like… these lists are just for you…
NOW compare the list on the right with the FIRST list and see how many things that are right in your relationship meet your ideal….
Then look at all the things that are wrong… would you want your best friend, your sister or your mom to put up with mistreatment like those things listed? NO? so why do you?
Aren’t you worth time, effort, respect and kindness?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): He is a mommy's boy and is tethered to her apron strings.By the way, are you "sure" it was his mother calling and not some other woman? Why would he leave you in the lurch like that and not even have the decency to explain the situation to you. Sounds pretty shady to me.Personally, if he is always like this, then I would be moving on. You can't count on him to be there for you if a situation arises where you do really need him, like say you needed to be at a hospital for surgery or if your car breaks down (I've experienced that in my past). At the drop of a hat he will be running somewhere else. You are not high on his priority list.I'd go cold turkey. No more texting from you to him, don't answer his phone calls, delete him off your phone. Drop him off any social media sites, like Facebook. It's time he had a reality check.Find someone that respects you. You are worth that and so much more.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (14 February 2013):
 I presume the meal was at your home. I would have gone bonkesr that he didn't text you or ring you to let you know what was going on. Surely this is a matter of common courtesy. You indicate from your post that he has done these things before - well it is not on. Next time anything like this happens you give it 20 mins and then bin the food or if in a restaurant go home. Even if it is as simple as him being late to pick you up/ meet you somewhere do not wait. Guys like these need teachng a lesson. He must be on cloud cuckoo land if he expected absolution from you with an 'I love you'. Never going to happen and nor should it. It takes less than one minute to send a text or an update. He seriously should be begging your forgivemess. I would not let this treatment continue or he will think he can get away with anything and there will be no repercussions.
I really would give him the cold shoulder for quite a while, then explain to him why you feel the way you do and then follow through on not waiting if his behaviour continues. He sounds extremely immature for 28.
...............................
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Hi
If treats you as a girlfriend as a doormat, it will get worst in a marriage. I would also have been very sad and hurt. Just dont call him or send him any messages. He needs to apologise and mean it , that is not to do it to you again.
I know it hurts being apart and missing him, but if you end up grovelling, he will continue to believe he did nothing wrong. This distance and silent treatment is going to test how much he loves you and regrets his action. If he does not come back beggining u for forgiveness and with a bunch of roses, I am afraid you dont mean much. More out of curiosity, what is it that is so important , that he thinks it justifies leaving you humiliated and alone at a table waiting for him?
...............................
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Sorry I forgot two things...
1) This guy is 28? Sounds like he's 12
2) When you say "he knows I get very sad when he stands me up and doesn't even text" it sounds to me like he does this all the time. Time for you to give HIM the silent treatment and DON'T do what HE wants and text him "I love you" and all that crap.
Give him the silent treatment and move on with your life. When he asks you "why haven't you been in touch" just tell him "I've had enough of you standing me up like I don't matter... It's over".
...............................
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (14 February 2013):
You deserve better I'm afraid. If I was on a date and my mum, and believe me I do love my mum, asked me to drop something off/collect something I'd tell her I'm busy right now but I can do it tomorrow.
The only reason you leave a date is if it is a genuine emergency. i.e. someone is in hospital. That's it.
Even if I had to go to the hospital to see my mum/family/friend I would CALL you saying I'm really sorry but it looks like I'm going to be stuck here for a while.
However, this guy didn't even bother to send you a message.
He has shown a lack of consideration, manners and respect. You deserve better. And if his mum is playing games to get him to show her, she is the only woman in his life then all the better you are out of this.
Get rid of him and find someone who prioritises you over stupid errands for his mum. He sounds like a wimp to me.
As for his you didn't say you loved me (even though I abandoned our date and didn't call) that is just wet. This guy needs to grow a pair and work out his priorities.
Kick him out and find someone else. This guy is a wussy mummy's boy and you'll only going to have to put up with this time and time again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (14 February 2013):
Hi there. Was this dinner date at your house, or at a restaurant?
You didn't say this, so I'm wondering.
When he's on a date with you - regardless of whether it's at your place or a restaurant - he is with YOU.
And therefore, he ought to be staying with you on that occasion.
You had obviously made previous plans, so he had committed to the date with you, hadn't he?
And to just drop everything, simply, because his mother calls him to ask him to do something for her, is extremely rude of him!
And very INCONSIDERATE of her!
I mean, she had to have known he was on the dinner date with you, surely.
He could have said to his mother when she called him - "I am busy at the moment Mum, but I will do (whatever) on my way home, okay? I'll see you later."
So I am now wondering what kind of control his mother has over him.
And it does sound like he lets her control him, don't you think?
Remembering, that you also said here, he does this fairly often, doesn't he?
It's NOT the first time, is it?
It sounds like he is drawn in two directions - between you and his mother.
And it also sounds like his mother is the one who usually wins.
Does it sound familiar to you?
Even though you and him get along really well, and love each other as you also mentioned here, it still doesn't give him the right to treat you so shabby.
Do you honestly believe that it's okay for him to treat you this way?
Surely not.
Don't you really believe in your heart of hearts, that you deserve better?
Of course you do.
That is a very poor excuse of his, to say he didn't get back to you again, because you didn't say "I Love You."
That is absolute nonsense.
He does the WRONG thing, and then he tries to blame you for his abominable behaviour!
How dare he?!
He clearly doesn't give his actions much serious consideration for the consequences it causes, now does he?
Well, he really needs to do so.
Before he LOSES you altogether.
I would NOT be tolerating that kind of really bad behaviour, at all.
No sir.
You DO deserve much better than this.
...............................
A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts +, writes (14 February 2013):
 Wow I'm sorry, but no matter how great your relationship is, this just makes him sound like a tool. If he has any respect for you at all, it's his responsibility to contact you first when he changes his plans after telling you that he'll be back. The fact that he didn't bother telling you till you asked him is just poor behaviour. And it sounds like he has stood you up quite often as well. And to leave you for his mother just to give her something? I hope it was something important like diabetes insulin shots or equivalent because otherwise you guys could have gone to meet her after dinner. You know, you have every right to be pissed off at him for leaving you and then for not telling you that he wasn't coming back and then for not explaining what it was that was keeping him from returning. For him to give you the silent treatment just because you didn't feel like you loved him particularly much at that moment is poor form. To give silent treatment is poor form. He's into emotional blackmail and double standards. No respect for you but wants respect.
...............................
|
