A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So this is probably something I should have done 3 months ago. It's too late now, but I still wonder if I am truly insane for having the opinion I have about my issue.I am a mid-twenties female and work non-stop (60 hours, 1 part-time job and 1 full-time job. I have/had a twenty-something boyfriend in Law School and we lasted almost 2 years with talks of marriage, kids.... basically planned to spend the rest of our lives together, but we finally found the one thing that would drive us apart. My boyfriend's lease was going to be up at his old apartment complex last June and he had nowhere to go. He did make several different plans to find himself a place to stay, but ultimately everything would fall through the cracks. I was still living with my parents at the time and we offered him to stay with us. In my opinion, I felt he was weirded out by the idea of living with me (in his opinion he says it was me being weird). Anyway, I asked a co-worker/friend of mine at work if my boyfriend could stay with him and his boyfriend for a month until this other apartment my boyfriend finally found was ready for him to move in.They said yes, charged him a tiny amount of money, happy go lucky, right? THIS is where everything went wrong.One week into my boyfriend living with my friends/one is my co-worker, they all decide they're going to keep the arrangement permanently.This decision was basically made without my knowledge.So it gets sticky from here, I kept expressing to my boyfriend that I was uncomfortable with him living with my friends (who I have converesed with in depth about relationship problems we've had) and my co-worker (at my part time job where I want to be full time, and all I do is try to impress everyone that works there). I felt I had to be 'on' all the time and could never truly have an alone night.My boyfriend kept explaining no, the benefits are so great that I cannot turn this down. I want to be fair with how I tell the story, so the benefits he claims are: He knew these guys okay and got along okay, it was $100 cheaper a month than the other apartment he was going to live in, and it is 2 miles away from his school (the other would have been 5-7 miles I believe). Basically, I don't see these benefits as good enough to mix church and state.I also don't think it's fair he just jumps into my friends life without my permission and basically when I do speak out about it, tells me it doesn't matter what I say, he's doing it, the benefit is too good for him to worry about me saying 'it makes me uncomfortable'. This argument has gone on and on and on and I feel I have tried to explain this to him in 8000 different ways. He is now living with them, obviously, I can't make him move out, but when I mentioned it this weekend he got upset saying we would not be together if he knew I would always bring up that I don't like the fact that he is living with my friends.Am I wrong to feel I should ALWYAS bring up something when it makes me uncomfortable?Anyway, we are no longer together, that was the final straw for me that realizing his benefits will always come before me and I just want to know if I am being insane and controlling like he claims? Or was it truly not fair to me that he just jump into my work life and have no concern for my feelings?Had it just been friends, I know I have no ground on this, but this is my co-worker. I don't want people at work to know my boyfriend was late on rent, drank all their beer one night, and goes out a little bit more than he should. I love him for everything he is, but I don't need those things reflected on me at work! Let alone, MY DREAM JOB!Please let me know what you think. Again, it's too late now, the relationship is over, but I need to know for a learning experience what the hell happened here.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 I can't say I can relate to your frustration.
I think that saving 1200 usd. a year, and being so close to his school are very good reasons for preferring your coworkers's apartment over the other one. Considering that he gets along with his new roommates, while he does know how it was going be with the new ones. If it ain't broke don't fix it. This arrangement was making you " uncomfortable " , but maybe he was " uncomfortable " at having to move from a good situation just because you said so.
As for not mixing church and state, that was YOUR church and state , not his. You were two different entities, he was not your teenage child, and I doubt the way he acted had to reflect badly upon you in your work environment, this is a guy you were just DATING , not a husband, not a son, how his - very minor- misdeeds are to involve you and your evaluation at work ? As a matter of fact, if these guys are still glad to have your now ex around, and haven't kicked him out, it means he's not that bad a roomate after all !
As for you not wanting him to " take over " your friends and coworkers, why, do you have the copyright on them ? Did you pay for exclusivity rights ? I'd thought that one would be always glad to see her bf fitting in with her gang ! But, anyway, if you feel that boyfriend and coworkers should not mix.... then don't introduce them to each other. Keep them apart. You can't put people together then demand they have among themselves the kind of relationship YOU want and no more.
Moral, yes, that sounds controlling to me, and apparently to the ex too. I also think that the real issue was not socializing with your coworkers, and making you " uncomfortable ", the big issue is that you'd have wanted and preferred moving in him with him. Understandable , but why not just telling him straight ? " Hey buddy, I feel it's time to bring this relationship to the next level ". Rather than bringing up other "church and state " stuff to mask your disappointment.
A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (4 October 2011):
He sounds like a helpless man. He couldn't find his own place and then took advantage of your generosity. THEN had the nerve to dismiss your feelings.
He sounds like an opportunist.
Only lesson here - be wary of being too generous. Yes. Any rational person who cared about your feelings would have moved out and gotten another place once you explained how important it was too you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): It seems that your boyfriend's behaviour has hurt you more because of what you had imagined would happen in the future ie. marriage and staying together for the rest of your lives.With this future in mind, you tried to both of you one step further towards that by finding him somewhere to live. Had you not imagined staying with him forever, maybe you would not have done this and/or maybe it would not hurt you in quite the same way.At this stage, however, you were ultimately putting in more than he was in terms of trying to ensure that your future worked out. You are obviously an extremely capable and hard working person - doing 60 hours is no mean feat! - and this indicates that you have the maturity to take on responsibilities. It seems that this very healthy trait has extended into your relationship, where you, in finding him somewhere to live, took on a responsibility that he himself had not - now let me be clear, here, I am not saying that he did not make any attempt at all, just that, in the end, it was you who really made it happen.As soon as he got into a situation (which you had basically 'provided' for him) in which he has LESS responsibility ie. not so far to get to school and not so much money to pay, he decides that this is what he wants. And he wants you to agree to it because that means, for him, LESS responsibility to think about the future and to sort things out for both of you.Your boyfriend has shown, however hurtful it is, that he is just not mature enough to take on the responsibility of building a future with you. In a sense, you have taken on the traditional "male" role - sorry to be sexist about this but it is the only way I can explain - by seeking out a safe and good 'shelter' for your mate, whilst he has basically acted like a bit of a flirty girl and said "thanks for the gig, I'm off to have fun now".I think you need to look again at your relationship and see if there were other times when this guy showed a lack of interest in really - I mean really - putting things in place for your future together in a way that showed that he was willing to go through some real discomfort and real inconvenience to make sure that you would both be okay.I am not of the view that you are simply "nagging" him - although I can see that it might seem like this to others. A lot of "nagging" is actually a symptom of a couple not working together and the woman compensating for the man's lack of input - emotional, actual etc - into the relationship - she basically ends up having a conversation with herself because what she really wants is a meaningful conversation with him, but he is just not up to it, so she ends up effectively playing out both parts, his and hers.It is good that you found out that he is like this now, rather than later.In regard to your workplace, it is very important that you simply carry on and remain very dignified. You did a really good thing for someone that you can now begin to regard as an ex partner, however hurtful that may be. It was not your fault that the guy basically took advantage of it. If your co-worker starts to really bond with the guy and/or gossip about you, you must do your utmost to ignore it and find ways to distance yourself from the situation. Do NOT get drawn into any conversations about their home situation unless it is absolutely necessary for your role at work. Remain professional and distance yourself from that part of the situation.And, in private, you can find ways to let all your hurt out and be comforted by people that you trust. In future be careful about 'over-compensating' when a guy does not come up with his part of the bargain - try to spot this early on. If a guy makes moves to put things in place for your future, support it but don't do more than he does himself - otherwise you will end up in a relationship with only you and not a two way one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): Your discomfort was brought on by your own solution to your bf's problem. If it was good enough for him to stay there part-time then why not full time? The only problem is your being controlling yes. You shouldn't have suggested it in the first place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): I see your point in that you don't want him living with co-workers. It is like not having your boss as a facebook friend just in case that drunken picture of you gets posted. (Although at some companies they can still find ways to dig that stuff out.)
I guess it comes down to your co-worker. If he is very gossipy then it would be a big issue if your boyfriend is less than stellar. But I think a lot of guys go out drinking too much, etc, especially in mid-20s. Guys at work are different than guys at home. Lots of guys are not gossipy, but some are. Some have that whole "guy code" of no kiss and tell.
I think what went wrong is more that you kept bringing it up. Yes, you should always say when something makes you uncomfortable. But if you bring up 8000 reasons and keep bringing it up, even after he has made his final decision, then he will shut down and leave, which is what happened. Men hate to be nagged.
It is unfortunate that he didn't see your point. He had some good points, too. Saving money and travel time are both good things. I think it is too bad it ruined the relationship.
And I think that now you are in more danger of him living with your co-worker reflecting badly on you at work. If your co-worker is gossipy, then he's now getting the other side of all those things you've already told him about your relationship. He's also getting the negative prespective of you from your ex, things that may have been kept secret if you were still together, but are now fair game as "guess what else she did."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): Simple. We create the drama in our lives. You should've never suggested to your bf that he stay w/ ur friends/coworkers and would not be going through this anxiety today.
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