A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi.. whoever is reading this I do hope I can get some good advice or some kind of understanding as to why I feel the way I'm feeling at the moment! I met a wonderful Man back in July 11 -still together.He has not had any sort of relationship in the past eight years apart from a couple of dates four years ago.His past love died eight years ago, they were together for two years when she found out she was dying she pushed him away - finished the relationship.He has told me after three weeks of knowing me,'He has falling in love with me'.The feeling is mutual on my side! Now at this stage I have questioned his pasted love,at the start he said he doesn't like to talk about it but infact he has opened up to me something he said he has never done with Family or close friends. Any questions I have asked he answered - spoken of how he planed to settle down,loved her, say's he is over her. Ican't help but think.... because a couple of weeks ago was her birthday,a day after his Father's birthday. I questioned does he think about her, he replyed yes - the odd day! I told him he will always carry her in his heart, that he was not over his past. He replyed No is over her.. then a week later I asked him the same question , he replyed, 'I don't think so'. I expressed How I feel I'm second best or a replacement untill he leaves this life and meets his true love/ soul mate??, I'm finding it very hard to trust him. He say's I'm the one,i'm nothing like her, wants me to have belief in him.. I have a past of not trusting men - because I was hurt. But I feel this situation is different. I would be greatful of any advise given . Thank you!
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 He has trusted you enough to Open up to you. That is a very good sign. Treasure him for showing so much trust in you. It sounds like he is feeling you are understanding and loving enough for him to finally let down his guard? And he is ready to move on.
But he needs you to understand that someone in the past was also very important to him. A person who was a significant part of his life.
And he sounds like a Good loyal man. That's a Keeper if the chemistry is also there, and you feel attracted to him. It can only get better.
I would never have remarried to a man who was not secure enough to accept reminders of my first husband. To me it is not inconguous. I have a child from my first marriage. Why should I banish all reminders of my child's father. Sure My child now has a wonderful second father. But I believe it is important that my child know I did love my first husband (and father of my child) very much.
The clincher for me was when my guy picked up a wedding photo, admired it and put it back. I asked, "are you uncomfortable with that photo being there?"
His reply was perfection. He told me that I was not to put anything away. That was a part of my life and always would be. And he was the second father, not the replacement father. And that reminders of that time in my life were fine with him. He is even comfortable explaining sporting awards on the wall in the hall. He has his own alongside.
A jealous insecure man would never work in my family. It would bore me to tears.
I appreciate that he is sensitve to the date of death each year, to the birthday each year. That he is respectful towards my first in-laws family as I am to his family.
If he was the jealous type I think it would harm the trust that exists in our relationship.
And I appreciate so very very much that he knows I loved my first husband and I love him too.
If it had been a divorce that ended the first relationship maybe it would be different. But it was not. It was an unexpected and unwanted death. which I am over now. But I still believe in honoring the past and the present and the future. Because each part of my life is a part of who I am as a person.
I like the unique parts of both relationships. And I don't see why I need to erase the good memories of the past. But my late husband is no threat to my current relationship. One is a living breathing lively red blooded male. The other is a treasured memory only. Surely no contest?
If you can put the Green Monster where it cannot hurt you then your relationship will be enriched as a result and the Trust will grow.
But starting off with a lack of trust becomes like a nasty mould, you never know how much it will taint in the future.
I do hope your future works out very well.
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (4 October 2011):
Now look: it wasn't very nice of you to tell him you feel as if you're second best, you know!
I realize it's been eight years since his other love died, but the truth is,as any widow or widower will tell you, if their relationship was happy, they will eventually move on, BUT, there WILL be times when they still may grieve or be sad. PARTICULARLY anniversaries or birthdays. The path of widowhood is different for everyone. The conventional wisdom is that it takes at least one year, and often longer before someone might be ready to try again.
For your boyfriend, his significant other actually ended their relationship when she knew she was dying. That in and of itself, would have been a terrible loss, to know that he wasn't to be permitted to "be there" for her through her end-of-life process.
Being widowed is different to being divorced, in that it's an unwelcome and irrevocable end. True, sometimes it isn't so bad if the marriage was an unhappy one. That is a different kettle of fish.
You, on the other hand, have only known him three weeks - and he's already told you he's in love with you! That is way too soon. If he's only had a couple of dates since her death, keep in mind that you could be a "rebound." No man or woman wants to be that, but it happens. Possibly you're sensing this at some level, and it could be the reason you don't entirely trust him.
You'd be wise to pull back on your feelings of falling in love with him at this point; recognize it's very early days, that's it's normal for him to miss her sometimes, and just take things slow and see what happens.
Do try not to be anxious, and make an attempt to put your past history of other men who hurt you, and caused you not to have trust, behind you. Maybe those others were dishonest, unkind, or manipulative and didn't treat you very well. Maybe you made some not-so-wise choices of men you dated......
Going forward: assume that this man is telling you the truth, and don't question him again. Try to relax, have a bit more confidence, enjoy his company, and don't wear your heart on your sleeve! See how it goes over the next few months.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 you are not being fair to him to keep questioning him about this. you know that the problems lie within yourself don't you? you went into the relationship being untrusting because of what happened to you in the past.
you are jealous of this deceased ex because in your mind you probably think she was so perfect and that if she had been alive still, they would have been together still. you cannot possibly KNOW this though, they may have fizzled out like lots of relationships do. so are you gonna be jealous of the past of every boyfriend you get? you cannot go on like this. you need to address your old issues, stop punishing other people for what someone in your past did to you. you have only known him for a few months, your relationship is early days so don't wreck it with your jealousy before it is even an established relationship.
if you cannot handle the fact that he sometimes feels sad that someone he loved died tragically young, and this still makes him sad sometimes then maybe you should break up with him and find yourself someone with a more happy past. you cannot dictate to someone how they should feel. it is a very sad story and i am not surprised it has left him with an emotional scar. he would not be a decent human if he could honestly tell you that he never thinks about their relationship and her untimely death
x
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (4 October 2011):
 Ok so I understand how you are feeling. But you are right she will always hold a part of him. He will think about her from time to time, because she was a part of his past. But sadly she passed away and am sure this was very hard for him to deal with as well. It is sad that you feel the way that you do. The woman is dead and now he was left to pick up the pieces and he had to learn to love again. He has found love with you now and I just wish this was enough for you. You say you don't trust him because you feel he is not over her. I am pretty sure he has accepted what has happened in his past, and honey it should be OK for him to think about her on days like her birthday or anniversary. You need to let this go before you destroy a perfectly good relationship. Don't let yourself become jealous of someone that has gone and won't be back. Instead enjoy your relationship.
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