A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I live with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. I am 38, he is 41. I have a young daughter and he has 2 young daughters, both from previous relationships. He wanted to marry me and we loved being a blended family together. We have been arguing alot though lately, and last night during an argument he decided to inform me that he had slept with my daughter's aunt, the sister of my ex, before we met. He then went into extremely graphic, lurid detail, describing all their sexual acts in full color while i lay sobbing in a ball on the floor. Now my daughter's aunt is someone i interact with on a regular basis. They both kept this secret from me for over 2 years. He would even say how he used to know her, but she was so annoying, always hanging around, drinking all his beer and stuff. He failed to mention that he stuck his dick in her repeatedly! I told him to be moved out by the end of the weekend (my house he moved into) or I would call the police to remove him. Told him I never wanted to touch or be intimate with him again. He went on and on about "why does it matter, it happened before we met" , then tells me how he kept it "all in the family". My question is: are my feelings of repulsion and betrayal justified? Shouldn't one of them had the nerve to tell me in the beginning, so I could have made an informed decision about whether I wanted to be in a relationship with a man who had sex with my daughter's aunt? If i had known, l could have looked for happiness with someone elseinstead of wasting over 2 years with this person and having my trust and faith in men destroyed. Plus my own and my daughters heart broken (she adores this man and his kids so much). Am I overreacting? And why go into graphic detail describing every sexual act that happened between them like it was yesterday? Why does he want to destroy me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2014): I think you have been a little bit betrayed actually. It would have been straightforward to tell you? The fact that they didn't means it was a dirty secret. People that lie so easily to people they care about can do it again. That would concern me the most - irrespective of who, what and when.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 June 2014):
 The only time someone has a "right" to know about sexual history is if their partner is continuing a friendship with them. If a girl has a male "best friend" or likewise a guy has a female "best friend", the partner *does* have a right to know whether or not there is a sexual history in order to decide if they're okay with that, or if they decide that it's not something they want to have in their relationship.
That, in my opinion, is the only time that "right" comes in. Maybe the other one should be if he had had sex with a direct member of the family. An ex's relative isn't family, therefore it's irrelevant. I'd be upset if my partner got that angry about the issue, because it almost sounds like they're not over their ex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2014): Personally I think your Boyfriend should have told you he had sex with one of your family members. Or at least your ex-sister-in-law might have mentioned it to you. Either way though it would have been very awkward bring up the fact they'd had sex. I don't think your discontent is unfounded. I don't want to be having sex with someone who's had sex with my anyone in my family. They might have felt uncomfortable discussing it however. Some people are private.What I think the biggest concern is the fact that he brought it up in lurid detail. That's highly inappropriate and a major red flag. Unless you were also being cruel and through your past lovers in his face he should not have went into details. That you were 'crying in a ball on the floor' and he continued to mock you with details is very worrisome for your relationship. You've been with this man 2 years. I wouldn't let the fact he had sex with your ex's sister put you off. I would worry about the fact that he graphically described it to you. Let the break up be about the character of the man not about his past. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2014): The past is not staying in the past when it involves people you still know or your partner knows.
The OP had the right to know about her BF's sexual history with this person.
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A
female
reader, Jennygirl +, writes (8 June 2014):
His past is just that...his past! I am sure you did not give him all your sexual past stories, or even a play-by-play of everything significant that happened to you in the past. My guy knows my number but he has no idea who they are. He has even met a couple without knowing that I had slept with them. Why? Because I slept with them long before I even knew my guy existed. I know for me, if we were out and about and he ran into a girl from his past, I wouldn't like it if he would turn to me and say "hey, guess what, I use to have sex with that chick!" Some things I just don't want to know. So, don't be mad about something that doesn't even involve you or your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): He slept with your ex`s sister. You slept with his ex`s brother. It sounds very balanced to me. What is unbalanced is your jealousy.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 June 2014):
He didn't betray you by not talking about it. His past is his business. I wouldn't have cared if my boyfriend slept with an ex's sister. Stuff like that is bound to happen in social circles. It's only a matter of stress if he had done it while we were in a relationship.
However, he was deliberately cruel, relishing in your reaction, telling every lurid detail and loving your pain. To someone who sounds like you suffer from retroactive jealousy, he was cruel. I'm interested in the argument that led up to this, because he obviously knew it would press your buttons to talk about this.
Before this icing on the cake, what have you been arguing about? That plays into this, and I'm wondering why he became cruel like that? Why were you arguing, and what was the subject?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 June 2014):
 Well, if you actually feel repulsed and betrayed, that's what you feel and I don't think that anything another person can say would change your feelings- or, that we should even attempt to change how you feel, you are entitled to feel whatever you want. But, since you ask, : no, personally I don't think your feelings are justified. Maybe that's a strange concept in a time of oversharing and even exposing our sex lifes on social media for all the world to know, but it used to be that sex was a private, personal thing,like , you say the sin, if you want, but never the sinner. In other words, do not kiss and tell. That was before that you even met, he had no idea you were going to end up together and you do not have right of approval on his past lovers. As for you feeling weird having to know that he had sex with your daughter's aunt, it's not much weirder than him having to know that you had sex with his ex lover's brother . These things may happen, therefore they are best dealt with restraint and tact and good taste.
Which your bf failed miserably to do , of course, - it was nasty of him bringing up the subject for no reason and with such abundance of graphic lurid details, just because he knew it was probably going to upset you. Your guy does not fight fair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): Thanks CMMP. I know he isn't a virgin, he was married and had dozens of lovers before. This doesn't bother me, it's the fact that it's my ex's sister. I am close to her and I talked to her many times about my boyfriend! I truly feel they should have told me when they realized the connection, so I could have made an informed decision before falling in love and planning a future. At my age I am truly ready to settle down and 2 1/2 yrs seems like a long time to waste. I could have found a man that hadn't slept with my daughter's aunt!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 June 2014):
The manner in which he told you is the only problem I see. I don't understand why you are so freaked out by this. Did you think he was a virgin?
I also think it's weird for you to expect them to have mentioned it to you. Those kinds of details are personal.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 June 2014):
The manner in which he told you is the only problem I see. I don't understand why you are so freaked out by this. Did you think he was a virgin?
I also think it's weird for you to expect them to have mentioned it to you. Those kinds of details are personal.
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