A
female
age
30-35,
*neStar
writes:Hi , A few weeks ago i found out my boyfriend had a passion for joining Infrantry with the Army. At first i didn't believe he'd make a go for it but yesterday we went shopping and he walked into BA centre + collected some forms. They took his weight and height + other details. The thing is im only 17 , only just turned. Im in college first year and start my second year in september 2011. He's also 17 , turns 18 in July + we've been together 5 months but previous to that were seeing each other for 3 before we made it official. I was totally against him going at first but i know im just being emotionally selfish. Im proud of him that hes made this decision and this is what he wants to do and i want to support him as much as i can. Recently ive heard stories which have given me more the reason to go against him going. Although his mind is set and as a stubborn person it's not budging. Anyway besides the fact if he gets selected to be in the army and deployed he'll be away for months at a time people have been saying that when lads go to the army they cheat, the contact is low (i already knew that) , they come out of the army nasty. He knows im already paranoid and as this is my first proper relationship i didn't expect this to happen. I guess im just looking for advise? I dont want to leave him. So many people on yahoo answers were like leave him, your too young, your not ready for this, he'll break your heart when he cheats. Thing is i know he wont cheat, he said he wanted to get engaged when im 18, so next year + i was a little shocked. Nervous i suppose. I could just do with some reasurrance or some personal adivse towards how ill cope. Please dont tell me that i sound childish etc. I do love him + im willing to wait months for him to come back + i wouldnt dream of cheating on him or moving on.I suppose the worst thing other than a tragic accident is knowing that hes cheating while hes away on deploy or training.Any advise or help would be great.
View related questions:
engaged Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, OneStar +, writes (7 June 2011):
OneStar is verified as being by the original poster of the question Being independent of this decision. Your talking to me like im 5. Dont you think ive looked at the things i already know. Atleast give me a chance to find more things out before you jump down my throat. Don't forget its hasnt been long since i found out + i wasnt really prepared for that shock at first.
I've looked at the problems that ive been told of for starters. Im being independent on my decision and look about how it will turn out. Yes , theres a chance he will cheat but i haven't said im leaving him because people have told me to. Im giving it a chance.
I haven't talked to my parents in detail about it because i feel as if it is my issue to look at and at 17 i feel as if i should be the one finding out the information instead of having mummy wipe my ass like half of the worlds teenage population do.
Atleast im trying to find things out by myself.
I feel as if i can cope with the pressure. There's alot , i know that. People with more experience still find it hard and i know it's not going to be as easy as cooking a pizza.
But atleast at this age im trying to be reasonable,mature and responsible and im considering the outcome of the decisions and choices i may make.
Alot of young teenagers don't.
A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 "I know im making a long committment at a young age but i think it's more about being independent ?"
Hmm.. independent of who or what? Your family?
I'd really like to know what you feel you're being independent of.
...............................
A
female
reader, OneStar +, writes (7 June 2011):
OneStar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Honeypie.I intend to carry on education and i know it's going to be hard but many women have made it through and are still making it through and i'd like to think im mature enough to take this on. I know its going to be a challenge but im prepared to stand by my fella (:Congrats on your journey though :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 I've been an Army wife for 14 years. It is NOT an easy life. And I was much older then you when I made that choice.
There isn't much you can do about him wanting to join. It might be his dream. It might turn out to be something he doesn't want to do.
I would be honest with him and tell him how you feel about it. Also I would strongly urge you to continue your education.
People will tell you horror stories or make it sounds like cake walk. I would venture to say it can be somewhere in the middle. It all comes down to the two people involved.
...............................
A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (7 June 2011):
I've been in a relationship with my fiance who is in the army for about 2.5 years now. We've been living together for quite awhile now too, and I can tell you it's hard. So far he hasn't been deployed overseas yet, but I know he will at some point. He has had to go to places for work and training and what not, and has been gone for a couple months at a time. And soon we will probably have to move when he gets posted to another city.
It's not easy being with someone in the army. I think that we can make it through the deployments and everything else, but I can admit to myself that I'm not even sure all the time. Deployments are long and the contact during them is very minimal from what I've heard. I see many relationships break up in the army. It's not even the cheating that I would be most concerned about. It's the fact that the army will be #1. He has to go where they want him to go, and do what they want him to do. And if you want to be with him, you end up getting dragged along for the ride. Some resentment can build up, when you have to uproot your life to follow him. Or when the army life keeps him away from you for months at a time.
I'm not trying to be harsh, but realistic. I'm not saying that it can't work. There are perks. You get great benefits if you're married. Good job security. You can travel. The army does take care of him and thus you by extension. You meet a lot of people. They have functions and they have support for families.
If you want to make it work, remember that communication is key. You will have to talk about important decisions that the both of you will have to make (like posting preferences, etc.). And you will probably have to talk about how the military fits into your lives and your future family's life. I know I've had to have many talks with my fiance about whether he will be there when I get pregnant, and we have kids, etc. Talk about when he might retire from the army. Talk about how I feel about having to move from place to place. Sometimes it's hard for the army member to realize how hard it is for their partner to be left behind and have to change their life for them. And it helps a lot to talk about it. My fiance shows a lot more support and consideration of me since we've talked about it.
I do recommend taking it slow. Adjusting to the military life is a learning process. It'll take time before you know if it's something you are willing to live with for the rest of your life. I wouldn't recommend marrying him before you find out what it's like when he is away for training/work/deployment.
...............................
A
female
reader, OneStar +, writes (7 June 2011):
OneStar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do believe i can trust him but it's just that niggling feeling i get sometimes, i suppose because of my past im worried it's going to happen again. I know it probably will at some point in my life.
I know im making a long committment at a young age but i think it's more about being independent ?
I have explained to him how this is making me feel and he said that it will prove how much i care for him if i wait for him but he said if i didnt want to put my life on the hold until he gets back i can end the relationship now and get out but i dont really see it as an option considering how shit my past has been.
+ i had a rough upbringing. My dads never been well so my mum took the reins aswell as full time work so ive been left to my own devices. I made my mistakes on my own + i don't blame them for bad parenting at all.
...............................
A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (7 June 2011):
It sounds like you would be signing up to a life of being very alone, and very lonely.
Life is short, you should enjoy every opportunity you can have so why start a life with someone you know you're going to barely see? You will always be second to his career, I hope for your sake that this relationship does not work out, and you instead end up with man who can make you the number one in his life.
The fact you've already been beaten up and treated badly by partners at your young age should be an eye-opener to you that something is wrong, and that you need time out from relationships to work out; where is your self-esteem, belief in yourself that you are worth meeting a better person? What's gone on when you were growing up that has led to you being this way?
...............................
A
male
reader, Drew21 +, writes (7 June 2011):
Ah, i misunderstood what you meant by "proper". I understood that as being your first relationship.
At your age, you've really already been in a relationship where you were physically hurt? I am very sorry to hear that.
I can understand a bit more why you would be asking this question at this stage, since this does seem like a good guy.
I would just ask myself: do you, deep down, believe you could trust him when he is off on his own?
If the answer is yes, then I would say give the relationship a try. See what happens. It's not like you ARE committing to marriage.
I would take it day by day. See where it goes.
But the most important aspect is that you feel you can trust him. If you don't think you can do that, then is there really much point in the relationship?
Won't lie to you. Long distance relationships are hard. I would sit down and have a discussion with your bf about this. Make sure that the both of you realize what you are getting into, ya know? Make sure you both understand what each other is looking for.
...............................
A
female
reader, OneStar +, writes (7 June 2011):
OneStar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI haven't agreed to marry him don't worry. I'm not stupid. As for proper relationship i ment as in i've had past relationships where i was beaten up, cheated on etc. This is the first relationship i've felt comfortable in + haven't had change in feelings.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): I agree with "Drew21" in slowing things down, it will be for the best in the long run. If this is his dream and you really love him and you see your future with him then support him.
The most important thing is trust. Only you know deep down in your heart whether your bf is capable of cheating while he is away from you. Had he a reputation before you got with him? Is he attentive to you?
Besides they are kept very busy in the army just as long as he is in contact with you when he has free time, make sure you know when he has free time and when he hasnt, there is a very limited chance then that he could cheat.
You need to remind yourself that while he is not with you or in contact that he is busy training/working. Thats really all you can do to give yourself peace of mind. Don't allow yourself to imagine all sorts of things will be going on.
If you know he has free time and gives you the cold shoulder, or ignores you, then start to worry, but until that happens, allow him to follow his dream, support him, most importantly trust him.
Hope it works out for you both.x
...............................
A
male
reader, Drew21 +, writes (7 June 2011):
I do think you're at a pretty young age to be experiencing all this, especially when it's your first proper relationship.
There is so much left for you to experience before figuring out what it is you really want in life, and what kind of person you want to settle down with.
8 months, to me, seems like a really short time to decide you want to marry someone. I mean, i know it happens, but when you factor in your age... I'm not sure that you're quite ready to make THAT form of commitment, yet.
I won't say LEAVE him. I will say you may want to slow things down a bit.
...............................
|
